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I feel like I am at a crossroads and my life is about to change. I am terrified. I have been with him for almost 6 years (since i was 19). we bought a house together a few years ago. He told me last night that he no longer wants to be with me, that he is fed up and wants to move out. We have been engaged for over a year and our wedding is next April. Our entire lives are intertwined in every aspect. The house is in both of our names, all of our bills are in both, our bank accounts, everything. We have been together for so long, we figured it would always be this way.

I think we both have had enough and are trying to decide whether disrupting everything we have is worth splitting up. We both cant afford the house without the other and in this economy, it will never sell. I dont know what to do. I am tired of putting 110% into something that he doesnt care about.

I work full time, go to school full time, have a very demanding job, very demanding school schedule, and I still have to do everything in the home. I cook, clean, do laundry, run the entire house all by myself. He does not help at all. He works, comes home and sits and plays video games for hrs. The past year has been hell. He hates his job, doesnt have the drive or determination to better himself and is a miserable person to be around. I have tried to be supportive, I have tried to help him figure OUR future out but nothing seems to be working. It has completely destroyed him as a person. He is not who I thought he was. He has just seemed to give up on life and I dont know what else to do to try to help him. I dont want to be with someone who just gives up when things get tough.

Whenever I ask him for help around the house, or ask for him to do something for me, it always turns into a fight. He complains the entire way through it, or asks a million questions and I always end up doing it anyway. I feel like I am in a relationship with myself. If I ask him to clean, its "i will later" or if I need him to go to the store "why cant you go" or if I ask him to do anything there is always an excuse.

Recently, I had a tragic death in my family (close family friend). He was not supportive at all. He didnt hold me when I cried, he didnt even try to be there. He just sat downstairs and played his video games and acted like I didnt even exist. He didnt come to the funeral, didnt act like anything had happened.

I keep telling myself, is that what I want for the rest of my life. Do I want to support someone who doesnt support me. I work so hard at work and at school to better our future, why cant he? When I am stressed and literally bursting with tears, why cant he pick up the slack? Why cant he see that I am drowning in responsibility when he lives in luxury and he doesnt even seem to care. I have tried so many times to explain to him that I need him to help me, I need him to be apart of this team, I need him to be in this relationship, it turns into a fight. He says I nag, or I bitch. Sometimes I do, sometimes i genuinely cry and go to him and cry that I need help. Nothing works.  

I love him, but I just dont know if I can do this anymore. He is all I know. I have offered to go to counseling, he says no. I have checked out of this emotionally, mentally, physically. I am just not in it anymore. I dont want him to leave probably because I fear change. I fear losing my home that I have worked so hard for. I fear being alone.

hive, please help.

Thank you for your openness and honesty, MrsCox28.  It sounds like you have done a lot of soul searching and that this decition, as difficult as it may be, is what you feel is best for you.  Kuddos to you for that.  It takes a strong woman to stand up for what she feels is right for HER.  I admire and respect your strength.  Your words "I have checked out of this emotionally, mentally, physically. I am just not in it anymore. I dont want him to leave probably because I fear change. I fear losing my home that I have worked so hard for. I fear being alone." are so importent.  You have every right to feel lost right now, to fear the unknown, but if you feel that this is what you want then these feelings will pass in time.  You are young, you have a job and a future.  There is so much ahead for you, even if it means going through this heartbreak now.  This is a time to take care of yourself.  Do you have friends or family that you feel you can go to at this time?  People you can confide in?  The house may not sell now, but it will sell in time.  This will most likely be a very difficult seperation for you, but it is better to know now then in a few years when you have even more to deal with. 

Thank you for your honesty.  So many have had to deal with this type of situation and it sounds like you are on the right path for you. 

We broke up a few years ago before we bought the house (about 4 years ago) and we both were miserable without each other. I think things have gotten much worse but we have so much to lose now.

I came home from work yesterday (he has been working from home because he had knee surgery last week) and the first thing out of his mouth was "im hungry, whats for dinner". Not a "hey babe, how was your day?" not "hey sweetie, I am glad your home" he just barked at me to make him dinner. I feel like his slave sometimes. I am always begging for his attention somehow. I cant remember the last time he actually just curled up with me and watched tv. I feel like he is always barking at me to do something.

Truthfully, I have no where to go if he left. I wouldnt be able to afford the house and I would have no where to move too.

I hate trying to figure out the next step is, when I am unsure of so much.

I keep trying to see things 5 years from now, what will it be like? If he is like this now, what will it be like with children. What is he going to show our children; to not respect me? If he isnt willing to try to work on things now, why marry him? I need someone who is going to do everything they can to make it work. He isnt even trying. I just called him to see how he is, to see if his knee is ok and he told me not to call him, that he didnt have time for me.

Story of my life. He doesnt have time for me. He never does. I do everything I possibly can to make his life easier, so he has time to spend with me, and he doesnt. He spends all of his time on the video games and ignoring me.

Ladies, your absolutely right, I dont need this. I have so much to offer, I am a very loyal and driven person. I work my A*s off working 50+ work weeks, I bust my rump taking 15 credits of school and to get good grades, to better my future, I cook, clean, do everything. I need someone who will appreciate that and do the same. I need someone who will love me and not expect me to be their slave.

ugh. I am so tired of crying.

I am sorry to say that it sounds like you know this relationship is over and that you also think its better for you to be done with it since its not really healthy. It is hard when you are used to something to just change everything all at once but in the end you will be so much happier and that should be all that matters right now. I would agree with ccranetobe contact a lawyer and see what you are entitled too since you have been together this long and own a house together. Also I would think about renting right now since the market isnt where it should be. Or sometimes selling it just to be done with it all is also the best solution. I hope it truly does get better for you but normally when we finally make a decision about something it seems to lift a weight off our back.

We have been texting back and forth today, we both agree that its over.

Just have to figure out what to do with the house. We have only been in the house since July of 2008 and we owe more then its worth thanks to our lovely economy.

Time to seek legal advice.

thank you ladies for all your kind encouraging words. Its hard to be so comfortable in a situation, knowing that its not for you and your not happy. Its easier to stay and put up with it, but we have more to lose if we continue with the wedding and have children.

Just gotta mentally get ready for this life changing ordeal. Again thank you

I'm not the best to give advice here, as I don't have the world figured out very well myself. I just want to give you a ((((hug)))).

Update-

After a few days of thinking this over, my FH came to me and agreed to try counseling. He agreed that we have already put so much time and effort into this that he wants to seek help and if we still cant figure things out...then we know we did everything we could.

We love each other, but its not enough. We need to find better ways of communicating and getting what we need across to the other person. We both agreed to do this and see where it goes to see if a wedding is still an option.

Thanks you hive for your unbias support :)

thank you.

Apart of me is very hesitant, because I know we have serious communication issues. If we are already hitting a rough patch before marriage, it scares me. But the fact that he came to me and asked to go, makes me think that he has thought rationally about this over the last few days and feels that he still has it in him to try. That means a lot. Well see how it goes.

teandtoast- i agree. I def will seek some legal advice just to see what my options are just incase things dont work out. Id rather be prepared and aware then look like a fool. thanks for the advice. :)

MrsCox2B....wherever this road may take you...you know the bees "got your back".  Courage, ma cherie!

I'm glad he agreed to counseling!

I'm a big believer in contingency plans - could you open your own, non-joint bank accounts, so that in the worst case scenerio that you do break up, you can change any direct deposit, etc. over as quickly as possible?  I'm not saying your fiance is like this,  but I've seen so many girls with joint bank acounts drained from a guy they never thought would do that.