Post # 1
I went under an anon name just in case SO sees this. I don’t even know where to begin. Sorry this may be a little long. I have been on these boards for awhile, in and out every few years. I feel like I’m getting to a point where I can’t wait forever, and I don’t know how long my heart can take this. I love my SO with all my heart, we have been together over five years, and we have a built a life together. We have a great relationship but getting engaged seems to always be on the back burner.
He said he was going propose last year by his sister’s wedding, it didn’t happen. Then he said he would propose by the end of last year. Now I feel like he is just stringing me along.
I know 100% for sure he has a ring, and has had it ready for well over five months. He always has said he wants to marry me, h talks openly about marriage, and has never been the type that is afraid to get married. I just feel confused, and hurt that he hasn’t given it to me yet. I feel like actions speak louder than words.
I know he wants a perfect proposal but it’s really starting to get to me. My brother’s recent engagement, and planning his wedding is really contributing to this. I am a bridesmaid, and really close to his Fiance. We talk weddings a lot, and I find myself crying a lot lately.
I feel like my life is being put on pause. I am back in college, and moving on with everything in my life. I also feel completely ridiculous that I may leave because he hasn’t proposed. It feels so backwards to leave someone I would want to marry, and spend my life with. I have decided that if it doesn’t happen by the end of my school semester that I am moving out which is in May. It will be 5, and a half years for us in May.
The big problem is that he is in my brother’s wedding in September. Should I set my internal deadline for then instead? It may cause a lot of havoc if I break up with him a few months before the wedding. My brother has become great friends with him since we started dating. What should I do? Any advice?
Post # 3
Try and be patient for a little longer – I know how very hard it is and saying this from the other side is a lot easier than living it. If he has the ring it is coming soon. He may be waiting because of your brother’s wedding and wants you to have your special moment. My Fiance had my ring for over 5 months and was trying to plan the perfect proposal before realising that asking me in our home together – just the two of us – was perfectly us. I’m sorry you feel like this – hopefully you don’t have to wait much longer now xox
Post # 4
I can’t imagine how impatient I would be after two missed timelines. Plus, I complete understand how your brothers upcoming wedding only makes it more difficult. I’m sure you are not wanting to talk to SO about it and some people will tell you to wait quietly because he has a ring but I tend to disagree, especially if you are considering an internal timeline for yourself. He needs to know where you are at. I’m sure you don’t want to throw off a suprise proposal if he is planning one so it is a risk to speak up but I think it is necessary to atleast gently express you believe he is moving forward but that with the past and present circumstances you are becoming more unhappy with the situation. You can always just express your desires that you understand the situations around you but that you would like to be engaged by the end of the semester. If I were you, I wouldn’t make it ultimatim(ish) but would let him know my comfortable timeline. Then if the timeline is missed I would consider staying until September before I left, to give him a little extra time to suprise you and to make things easier on the other wedding. I hope it works out for you whatever you decide and that you feel better about it all soon.
Post # 5
Thanks for the advice ladies. Last time we talked about getting engaged he kept saying he had a date, and it was planned. This was around 2 months ago. I’ve been trying to lay off the subject. He also said that he was stressed at work, and while he wants to marry me he felt like his mind was on other things than getting engaged. His work enviroment isn’t the greatest, and he boss keeps dangling a raise that never seems to come in front of his face. I will have to talk to him about this in a week or two. Right now his boss is gone so he has a huge work load on his shoulders, and is trying to impress the owner of his work.
Post # 6
Compare the boss dangling a raise in front of his face to him dangling a ring in front of yours. Maybe then he’ll see how you feel. You have every right to make an internal timeline and 5 years seems pretty reasonable to me, especially if you warn him. At this point it wouldn’t be an ultimatum, he already bought the ring…
Post # 7
@Moja Milosc: I agree. I think you should set an internal timeline that works for you. It’s okay to be a little bit selfish when it comes to your life, so don’t feel like you have to wait until after your brother’s wedding if May is really better for you. Also, I personally wouldn’t tell him about the deadline. That way you won’t be giving an ultimatum or pressuring him to propose if he doesn’t want to. Even if you don’t talk to him, if he really wants to marry you, 9 months of having the ring is more than enough time.
Post # 8
@waitingtoolong: How old are you two?
I agree that it doesn’t seem right that he has actually HAD the ring for such a length of time, but yet hasn’t given it to you. It seems selfish to keep you in suspense so long. And for what? I completely feel you pain when it comes to your brother’s wedding, that always leads to awkward moments (ppl asking “so when are you two going to….”) and understandable hurt feelings.
You’ve had so many convos with him… I have to think a “me-a-matum” (internal timeline, perhaps just a month or so following your bro’s wedding) is called for here, since he may be waiting til that’s over. But after that, I don’t see how he has any more excuses to delay.
Post # 9
Can you have your brother talk to him? perhaps if he realizes how upset this is making you, he will ask sooner. He may just have no idea that this is streessing you so much.
Post # 10
@bumblingbee I am 23, and I will be 24 in May. He is 27 (4 years old than I). Our relationship is good, we are crazy about each other, and so open about everything. The last time we talked about engagement (2 months ago) he kept trying to reassure me he wants to marry me, be with me the rest of our lives, and that I need to be patient. I just feel like “someday” is so far away.
@kerensa I could have my brother talk to him but I don’t think that is the best approach. I feel like as adults we should handle this ourselves.
The reason May would be the time I would do it is so I could work a ton while I’m out of school, save a lot money, and it would be much easier to find a place when I’m not as busy. Maybe I should just work like crazy during the summer, save up, and set my internal deadline until the end of September. My brother’s wedding date is around the end of September. I just don’t know what to do because our lease is up at the end of August. It feels like everything is so complicated.
Post # 11
Tell him exactly that. “My life is being put on hold while YOU decide when to do it”. Try to articulate your own struggle and how you simply can’t understand why you are being put on the backburner.
Post # 12
I wouldn’t set an “internal” timeline, I’d tell him straight to his face (calmly) “I am done waiting for you to decide if you want to marry me or not. You say you do, but it’s been 5 years, 2 missed promises, you’ve had the ring forever, you say it’s going to happen and nothing is happening. I love you and I want to get married but I’m not going to wait another 5 years until the timing is ‘perfect.’ The timing might never be perfect, who cares. If we’re not on the same page about what we want I don’t feel I have any other choice but to move on from this relationship. Marriage has always been a priority in my life, and I don’t think I should have to give that up.”
As far as “Just keep waiting a little longer” or internalizing everything in your own mind, no no no no and NO. First of all, this is why women die more of heart trouble, because we are so damn afraid of upsetting other people that we completely internalize everything and drive ourselves into stress which causes health problems. Secondly, marriage is not built on internalizing wants and needs, why start with the proposal? Now is the time for adult discussion not arbitrary ultimatums he won’t even know about.
Post # 13
@waitingtoolong: I think you should talk to him and tell him how you feel – tell him you want a firm deadline (set by him) and if he doesn’t propose again you will discuss it again/leave as necessary. That’s what is working for me – my SO is very shy about making THAT specific commitment because he was planning to propose to his ex before she dumped him. I felt really insecure not knowing if I would be waiting forever and that it would never happen. SO I told him how I felt and he said that he wanted it to be a surprise but we would definately be engaged by X. I don’t feel like it’s been forced on him because he set the deadline and it’s still 2 years off so plenty of time to renegotiate it if he starts to freak.
Post # 14
- Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings
@KatyElle: I was going to write something but KatyElle pretty much said it. You need you tell him exactly what you are telling us- namly that you are done waiting for him. No need to give an ultimatum or throw a tantrum, just tell him calmly how you feel.
Post # 15
@katyelle and @beautiful bluegrass
I told him something very similair to that over 2 months ago. I told him that I couldn’t take it any longer, and that getting married was a priority for me. He has always known it is a priority for me. I told him that his actions speak much louder than words. I also told him I was sick of him talking about weddings, or getting married if he wasn’t going to propose. He said that he wanted the proposal to be perfect, and he felt stressed about making it perfect. He made no indication that he didn’t want to get married.
We talked about how we were more ready than ever to get married, and how nothing is holding us back. While I can’t remember every word I said it was very clear that if he didn’t want to get married I was okay with it, but that I would move on. We just talked calmly, and I thought that after that conversation we would have been engaged by now.
Post # 16
Sorry you are going through all this. I wouldn’t set an internal deadline – particularly one he doesn’t know about! It sounds like he wants this to be a perfect proposal and maybe with so many weddings around at the moment he wants your moment to be extra special and not clashing with anyone elses?
Given how upset it is making you, I would try to have an honest chat with him about how you feel like you aren’t getting anywhere and your life is on hold. Just pick your moment with him,as it seems like he is stressed out too.