When is it ever appropriate to talk a loved one out of getting married?

posted 3 years ago in Family
  • poll: It it appropriate to talk my sister out of getting married?
    It's never appropriate : (38 votes)
    41 %
    It's only appropriate for a parent or sibling to step in : (26 votes)
    28 %
    It's ok for a bff to step in : (16 votes)
    17 %
    Everyone should have a say : (12 votes)
    13 %
  • Post # 2
    337 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I think you can have the conversation with her, but ultimately, she is an adult, and she’s going to do what she wants. You can’t protect her from everything, and some people have to get burned before they learn. I completely understand your concerns, and if it would make you feel better to get your feelings out there (but make sure it’s done from a place of love, and that she feels that way about what you have to say) then go for it. It’s totally ok for a sister or loved one to express a few concerns. But you have to realize that ultimately it’s up to her. Maybe she will realize too late and she will end up divorced, but maybe they will figure it out. Who knows? You only have so much power in this situation.

    Post # 3
    913 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard

    Wow that sounds like my sister being totally controlled by her hubby. I, too, tried to talk her out of it as did everyone else in my family. He was verbally and emotionally abusive and we all tried to warn her. She didn’t see it and ignored us. We later saw she was being physically abused as well with constant different bruises. She would always come up with some excuse of tripping over the dog, falling down, etc. We knew and we told her. She still denied it. He finally had to be arrested a few times for getting in fights in public before he changed. I still can’t stand him but they have been married 17 years now and have 2 kids and he’s still controlling but not as bad. I really feel she got lucky he changed, as I know that is not always the case or it could be worse. 

    My point being, you can try and step in, but it might be to no avail. At that age, they think they know everything and those older and wiser, know nothing. Love is blind sometimes. You can try talking to her but she may still just do her thing. At least you can get it out in the open in how you feel, but let her know you still support her decision and love her no matter what.  

    Post # 4
    7920 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

    I think an intervention is in order where there is abuse, but I just dont see that from what you posted. Yes theyre immature and need to figure out how to work through their shit without a passport stamp- but every couple has shit to deal with.

    There shouldnt be a need to check up on each other, and no one should be shaming the other for their past- that you should tell her. Make sure her confidence is up and shes truly happy and knows she doesnt need to take shame from anybody. Help her learn her way through this and encourage her to challenge him to wise up as well. Warn her about the seriousness of marriage. Who you pick is just about THE most important decision for your lifes happiness. Get her to open up more about it and have an honest, non judgemental discussion about your concerns.

    A stronger hand, or implying shes blinded by the money (which she might be) will likely just alienate her from you and towards him and will be drama drama drama.


    Post # 5
    2364 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    princesslettuce14:  Wow this is incredibly tough.  I was in the same situation with my best friend, said nothing and they are getting divorced a year later.  The thing is she was almost 30 so I felt like she was ignoring the red flags for fear of being the dreaded “30 and single”.  I felt she was smart and mature enough to make her own decisions, so I kept my mouth shut.  I didn’t want to be right, but I was.

    However, at 21, you are almost OBLIGATED to help guide her out of this bad decision!!  Not to insult your sisters intelligence, but it doesn’t seem like she’s mature enough or had enough life experience yet to make this decision for herself!  She’s trying to change for him?  That was the ROOT of my friend’s problems with her ex.

    Maybe they won’t even make it to the wedding.  It doesn’t sound like it.   


    Post # 6
    744 posts
    Busy bee

    First of all, I’m sorry your sister is in this situation.  It’s so hard to see someone you love making a choice you know will be bad for them in the long run.

    I don’t think “talking her out of” getting married will work.  It’s confrontational, even if said lovingly, and likely to result in her rebelling and pushing you away.  What I think can be effective (but not always) is to start asking her some probing questions when these issues come up.  Ask her how certain situations make her feel, for instance.  Basically, help her come to her own conclusions.  And if she doesn’t, just try to be there for her.

    Post # 8
    41 posts
    • Wedding: August 2015

    Personally I dont think that not drinking alcohol and sleeping around less is emotionally abusive.. if anything it exposes you less to liver disease and potential STDs. I know that people always say “you should never change yourself for anyone” but really, this is BS.. everyone changes themselves in some way in a relationship, in order to accommodate the other person, get along better, or even (ideally) to become a better person through the relationship. I think what you might be worried about is that your sister is coerced into something she doesnt want to do, or that her BF is controlling her somehow (checking her phone sounds sketchy to me). But from what you’re describing the situation just doesn’t seem really dangerous to me.. he could simply be concerned for her well-being. I also know that certain cultures don’t consider it desirable when women have lots of partners.. you mentioned his parents being Indian, maybe that might also be playing into his concern about her previous sexual partners. I think as long as your sister doesn’t feel pressured to conform to something she doesn’t wish to you really can’t interfere with her plans to get married. If it was my sister, I’d offer her my support and my opinion if she asked me for advice, but I would also try and give her potential husband a chance, even if it was only because my sister loved him.

    Post # 9
    23 posts

    princesslettuce14:  Idk.. it sounds more like you are imposing your own beliefs/expectations on to her. If she wants to be a “changed” woman and a future housewife – and that will make her happy – then why bother trying to convince her otherwise. For all you know she will be completely happy in a long marriage. Its her decision and so long as this man isn’t risking her life/hurting her then you need to let her make her own mistakes

    Post # 11
    41 posts
    • Wedding: August 2015

    Adding: I don’t think there is anything wrong with being a housewife with 5 kids. Different people have different dreams in life- not everyone wants to be a career-woman. I think as long as your sister makes sure she COULD find a job (by doing a degree/finishing an apprenticeship) if she found herself in need, there is nothing wrong with staying at home and being a mother if that is what she feels would make her happiest in life, and if her potential husband is OK with that, too.

    Post # 12
    14 posts

    I’m in a similar situation as you.

    For me, I know saying something to my sibling would result in destroying our relationship completely – forever, I know this because any time anything even semi-negative came up about my siblings S/O the shit has hit the fan really dramatically/disturbingly. If you think you can get away with saying something to your sister, without causing too much drama/hurt feelings – than do it. Otherwise, just don’t.

    She’s an adult and will make whatever decisions she thinks are right, regardless of what you say. Just be there for her, love her for where shes at and support her decisions, its hard but if you have no other option (like me & my family) its just about all you can do.

    Post # 13
    4138 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    In my experience, there is no point trying to talk someone out of a bad relationship or decision. They have their mind made up. They only end up digging their heels in deeper and resenting the people trying to talk them out of it. If they ask for advice, give it honestly and kindly, but otherwise (unfortunately) we have to mind our own buisness and let them live their lives and make their own mistakes. 

    Post # 14
    3756 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    It sounds like there are some cultural differences coming into play here and that your sister is more ok with his culture’s idea of how a woman should be in a marriage and is working towards that goal for the good of their relationship. Whether or not that is a healthy choice for her in the long run? Well, unfortunately I’m not sure there’s much you can do to influence her in that regard. She sounds headstrong and convinced that this is what she wants in life right now. She’s young, it’s easy to be blinded by our visions of a perfect life before we’ve ever had the chance to experience what adult life really is like, I speak from experience… Sure, this may end up being disastrous, but we all have our life’s journey and we all make mistakes and really, we all have to go through this stuff in order to learn and grow as a person. Of course you want to protect her, but she’s an adult now and has to make her own mistakes and potentially learn things about life the hard way.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  jny1179.
    Post # 15
    3280 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I think there may be situations where families can step in and try to talk, but I don’t think this situation is one of them. Just because you think it’s wrong doesn’t mean she does and she’s old enough to make her own decisions. 

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