When is too much arguing? Is it to do with us or my moms cancer and chemo

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee

Now is not the time to argue. You need that energy and strength for your mother.

Post # 3
Member
528 posts
Busy bee

I would imagine that your mom’s diagnosis is playing a role. I think you need to sit down and calmly discuss your feelings. People respond to news like this in all kinds of different ways. 

Post # 4
Member
6604 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m sorry about your mom. I can see how it can be a really stressful time. I agree it’s time to be less argumentative for both you and FI and just cherish the time you have with your mom.

When is your wedding? I know of people getting married more quickly in order to have their terminally ill parent there, and thus it’s a low key but still celebratory event to honor your marriage and also the life of your loved one. I wish you all the best. 

Post # 6
Member
528 posts
Busy bee

I would definitely find it difficult to be happy and ecstatic all the time under those circumstances. 

Post # 7
Member
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

First off big bear (((((((((hugs)))))))))

I can relate.  I’ve kinda been there.  I’m so sorry for you and your family.  Of course you’re not going to be excited and happily planning a wedding.  You’re grieving.  

After graduating college I went home to watch my mom die.  I begged my b/f (now ex-fi) who lived 8 hours away to come be with me.  He would come visit, but he wouldn’t come down and be with me the whole summer.  I never forgave him for that.

If your FI has not been in your situation he won’t understand and I’m not sure how you can make him understand.  

When your parent has a very life threatening disease you eat, breath, sleep, live cancer.  I’m sorry your FI dosn’t underatnd that.  

no shit you’re overly sensitive.  If you’re not cyring yourself to sleep every night and hell just breaking down during the day, then you’re better than me.

Post # 8
Member
4764 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I completely understand. I’m an only child and both of my parents died before I turned 16. My FI also lost his mom to a brain tumor when he was 17. My grandfather, the only living relative, had a stroke last Sept and went down hill fast. We’re both in school so this past year has been so stressful for me since I was also his caretaker. I studied abroad this summer and while I was gone, FI’s grandpa got diagnosed with pacreatic cancer, so we are watching him go through that right now and it is so difficult. We were in Hawaii in August and got engaged on Aug 15. We boarded a plane on the 16th to come back home, when we landed the next morning I found out my grandfather passed away the night before, shortly after our plane took off. Instead of coming home to celebrate with our families, I came home and planned a funeral. And we very well might have to plan another one soon for his grandfather. It is the hardest year of my life, and I’ve had some pretty hard years. When I was taking care of my grandfather, my FI (boyfriend at the time) may not have known what to say but he was always there for me. He actually told me last week that he hates we haven’t been able to celebrate like expected, but he feels so much closer to me now because he was there for me during the most difficult time of my life. You do not need the added stress of arguing with him. Honestly, I think it’s selfish that he said you’re being overly sensitive. Like a PP said, if he hasn’t had to deal with this he may not understand. I am lucky (well not really, but don’t know what else to say) that my FI knows exactly what I have been through and we can lean on each other during our times of grief. I know that I will have to be his support when his grandpa passes away and I owe that to him because that’s exactly what he was to me. You need to remember, that above all else, you have to take care of yourself. You cannot take good enough care of your mom if you are not taking care of yourself. I know it will feel like you are being selfish, but it has to be done. Also, seek a counselor. For yourself at first, and then maybe your FI can go. 

Post # 9
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2015 - Chapel on Base

I am so sorry.  I truly do understand.  My dad was given 6 months to live immediately after my engagement.   He lived another 5 months.  I lost him this past February.   I hope you find the strength to make each day the best.  Also, based on my experience try not to let everything  affect you more than normal.  It’s normal to be more on edge and have things get blown out of proportion more than normal.   I hope your mom’s tumor becomes operable.   

Post # 12
Member
4764 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Family is very important to us. If you look at the post I made a couple of hours ago, I talk about how we included our mom’s in my engagement ring. Our life circumstances have also made us decided we want me to be a stay at home mom. And all of the kids names we have picked out are family related. Of course this isn’t the same as spending time with family, but it’s a way to honor them. I know you may not feel like it, but try to plan wedding stuff with your mom, it might help her spirit. I bought my wedding dress in April, 5 months before we got engaged, because I was terrified my grandfather was going to pass away while I was studying aborad. We had pictures made before I left and he was so happy to get to see me in my dress! FI’s grandpa just saw me in my dress a couple of weeks ago and made me take pics with him so I would always have those as well. Stuff like that really cheers him up and in return cheers us up! 

Post # 13
Member
710 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m so sorry you are going through this right bowman and I hope the chemo helps!

I’ve had similar issues with my FI when I’ve been crazy emotional (totally different situation that was not as terrible as yours) I found constantly reminded him I’m grumpy and sorry helped. And if we argued forgave him quickly and just said to him “just shut up and cuddle me”. It helped a lot to just actively tell him to hold me or sit with me or whatever no matter how much we argued he would always do it. I can understand both sides of this. 

He is trying so hard to help you through this but nothing is enough (obviously because this isn’t just going to go away over night) . It hurts him to see you and your mum like this, it frustrates him that he can’t help enough. You two are both edgy and grumpy and clashing. In an idea world he would forget his feelings and comfort you. But that is not easy. I think you guys arguing is normal so don’t let that add stress right now.

Post # 14
Member
2219 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

Take a few days’ break from looking after your mum to replenish your energy and to give some time to simply be with your FI.

Post # 15
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee

stefano101:  Have you ever seen you fiance in a similar situation? I only ask because if you have been together for that long I would imagine that he really cares for your mum too and maybe his way of coping with stuff is to shut down where as yours is to need more affection? Obviously as it is your mum it should be more about your emotions etc but some of it could be him dealing with his sadness regarding your mum’s daignosis in a different way to you?

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