Post # 1
I know this board isn’t for advice about divorce, but I can’t seem to find a divorce board like weddingbee.
When your first marriage ended, how soon did you file paperwork? Did you try a legal separation first, or go straight to divorce?
Did you file the papers or did your ex?
Don’t feel obligated to answer. You come here to talk about your new and healthy relationships, not the past. But if anybody has any wisdom to share, I am in the thick of it, and everyone I know seems to have an opinion – but few of them have been here.
Post # 3
I’ve been there. And I’m terribly sorry that you are too. I read your “hypothetical” post and I do think you are doing the right thing. It is hard and you will question yourself, but a year from now, i think you will be relieved. You deserve a man who is with you and only you. You also do not want someone who could treat you like that to be the father of your future children (assuming you plan to have them).
I did not file until probably nearly six months after he moved out. But I really waited too long. The reason was we had a child. I knew custody would be a HUGE issue. I wanted to do a dissolution (where we agree on everything before hand) rather than a divorce, becuase I hate conflict. But because my ex-husband had anger issues and wasn’t always rational, that was a bad idea. Everytime we tried to work out an agreement, he ended up screaming at me, hanging up on me, throwing his phone, etc. He didn’t want the divorce, so he wasn’t at all cooperative.
So I filed for divorce. And honestly, I felt better once I had. After that, my lawyer had to deal with him, not me. The fact that a divoce proceeding was filed with court MADE him have to respond. And because he hired a lawyer, it was much better. His lawyer explained to him what would happen and what he could expect and forced him to be more reasonable. I filed in May and we had come to an agreement by September.
As for a legal separation, I don’t think I’d bother with one. My understanding of them is that they are very rarely used. They usually are done to split up marital assets and child custody and make the spouses all but divorced, but leave them legally married — usually when one spouse is dependent on the other for health insurance.
Again, I am so so sorry this is happening to you. Please know this is not your fault. I know it feels like a failure — but it’s his, not yours. No one can fault you for this. I know it is especially humiiliating so soon after a marriage. I wanted to get a divorce about three months into my marriage, but I was embarrassed to face my family…and then I found out I was pregnant and ended up staying four years “for the baby” Please don’t let that happen to you.
Post # 4
@Neva: what is the difference between dissolution and divorce?
What I am looking at now would just be uncontested divorce, I think.
Post # 5
@QuietOne: It varies by state.
Where I am, in a dissolution, the parties file together and are in agreement on all terms. They bring the court a separation agreement that spells out who gets what assets (and support if that is to be included). The court sets a date for hearing, the parties show up, the judge asks both if they want the divorce, and then grants it right there. A dissolution is sometimes called an uncontested divorce. I’m guessing the name may vary by state.
A divorce is filed when the parties are not in agreement (or one party doesn’t even want a divorce) and the court is called upon to split up the assets. There are hearings and it can drag on for a while if the parties really fight each other.
A divorce is uncontested if one party files and the other doesn’t respond. If the judge finds the other party has been properly notified but just didn’t respond, and he is satisfied that the divorce settlement agreement is fair (or he can make it fair), he can issue an uncontested divorce. It’s also called an uncontested divorce when a divorce is filed and then the parties later come to an agreement on their own (which is what happned in mine).