Post # 1
If you’ve been in this relationship, I’d like to hear what you did. I’ve been in a relationship for a year and some change, and we got really serious really fast. I do love him, and I care about him a lot. But it just doesn’t feel quite right. My previous (and first) relationship was so intense and consuming – it was too consuming emotionally on my end, and I don’t ever want to get that intense with anyone ever again. But I feel like I don’t feel as passionately about my SO as I should. Maybe I’m just comparing the past (because I’ve forgotten how horrible it was) to now and am unhappy because of it. But at the same time, it doesn’t feel quite right. He makes me so happy overall, but I don’t know if he is what I want. He is caring and loving and honest, but he’s not as driven or determined as I would like. He plays video games to the extent that it affects his grades and sleep, and that drives me crazy. At the same time, he is in his last semester of undergrad and hating it, so I can understand why he’s having trouble motivating himself. I feel like the dominant one in the relationship, and I don’t think I like it. But I know he wants more for himself, and I don’t know if this will change once he’s actually working.
I know that I could stay with him for the rest of my life and love him and have a great life together. I want to get puppies with him and have kids and cook for him and us all the time. Which is why I’m so confused. I know we could be happy together, but I’m worried about missing the passion all the time. I’m also dealing with some anxiety right now (just starting to get treatment) and have been generally dissatisfied for a while. So it might just be because of that. I’m worrying about not being happy enough which in turn makes me more dissatisfied. I’m planning on sticking around at least until I get treatment for my anxiety to see if that makes a difference.
I just have a lot of thoughts floating around and am feeling emotionally detached right now. Have any of you been in a similar situation, and what did you do? Did you leave, or did you work to make it work? I feel horrible because I do love him, and he says that I am his everything, but I am so confused. Part of me feels like I am wishing for the impossible, the passion of my last relationship without all the insecurity and anxiety. But at the same time, I see bees on here describe their feelings for their partners that mirror my feelings for my ex that I don’t have for my SO all of the time (although I do have those passionate loving feelings, just not every day). I’m happy but maybe not happy enough…
Anyone out there get me? Please don’t flame…I don’t want to feel like this, and I’m really confused about it and just trying to figure everything out. Also, this is not at all about my ex himself, just the feelings that I had for him that I feel are missing now.
Post # 3
It sounds to me like the honeymoon phase is ending. If you have a good foundation and have built a real bond, this will pass. Real love isn’t the same as burning passion. Fire consumes. You can still have passion, but it isn’t something that can burn continually.
Post # 4
The best advice that I got is “every love is different.”
My first love was that fire. It was all consuming flame that was so hot it burned. It scarred me.
My current love is water in comparison. He gives me butterflies while also making me feel calm and secure. While we are passionate, it is a soft and sweet; never violent/red hot like my prior relationship. He is stable and wonderful.
I prefer the second one immensely.
Post # 5
@BeachBride2014: Did you have any issues adjusting? I feel like I’m so on and off. I do have those moments with him when I am so immensely happy and secure and feel at home. It’s very stable. I think I cause problems because I’m not used to things being so easy and I don’t know what to do with it. Sometimes I feel like I would be perfectly fine if we broke up and I was single, but then I think about the reality of the situation and how miserable I probably would be.
I think my anxiety is playing a big role in this most recent flare up of doubt…I’ll be unhappy with us about something and then start worrying about why I’m unhappy and then I find it hard to stop worrying about whether we are right for each other or not.
When I put it on paper, we are fantastic. We can and do talk about everything. We support each other 100% (he has dealt with me and these feelings even, and I think he’s incredible for it). He does the little things that I always wanted in my last relationship. But I get so stuck on worrying that I don’t know how to just be happy.
Good thing I have my first therapy appointment in two days…
Post # 6
I can somewhat relate. I too had a very intensely emotional relationship in the past that I found out was too intense and not healthy. He was not the right guy. But then when you start with a new guy it’s naturally not as intense and it feels weird by comparision. But it’s actually way healthier.
You and your guys are likely transitioning out of the “honeymoon” phase which is totally normal. So take some time and see how the transition works. This is where the real relationship starts.
Honestly, I would never get engaged during the honeymoon phase. Not that I’m judging anybody who gets married quickly, just me. I just don’t feel like I could really know someone well enough if they haven’t been around long enough to see me at my worst. I have a psychologist friend who says that couples are on their good behavior for the first 2 years. It’s only after that time, the honeymoon phase, that they really get to know the real person they’re in a relationship with.
Post # 7
While it could just be that the honeymoon phase is over, I think if you don’t feel right you need to either talk to him about it (in a constructive “let’s spice things up!” type of way) or end it. Most people’s first loves feel crazy, consuming, and passionate because 1. you’re experiencing everything for the very first time and 2. this usually happens when you’re in your teens so hormones magnify everything.
You want a life partner, but you also want someone you’re excited to be with every day. You mentioned your SO’s grades, so I assume you two are still pretty young. You have time to find a permanent partner, so I really wouldn’t sweat making the “is this the person I’m going to marry?” decision right now. Let yourself mature and figure out what you want. Talk to your partner to see if the passion is something you two can work on together. If things don’t start to feel right, there’s nothing wrong with moving on.
Post # 8
I definitely see what you mean by the honeymoon phase ending, although I think that it ended a while ago. Maybe I’m fooling myself and this is the real struggle. For such a long time in the beginning I had lingering issues from my last relationship (we met 2 weeks after it ended and started dating 3 months later…the last relationship was 5 years long and I probably should have taken more time to be single). Maybe I’m so used to dealing with things that I’m now makiing things up to deal with and be unhappy about. But he has certainly seen me at my worst, and more than once at that haha.
Post # 9
@BeachBride2014: + 1. I agree that “every love is different” so it is hard to compare two different relationships.
@juliana192: With that said, I do think you need to honor your gut feelings and intution. Often our bodies speak to us through these feelings and you most likely feel the way you do for a reason. This doesn’t mean you should run and leave straight away, it just means keep paying attention to your body and how it feels day by day and as things develop.
There is also a big difference between it “not feeling quite right” and not having all the negative but powerful passion you had for your ex. You mentioned a possible lack of ambition and feeling more dominant and less equal in the relationship. My guess is that there are lots of little things making you have this feeling and perhaps blocking you from feeling more good passion.
Again, just pay attention to yourself. At the end of the day if it still doesnt feel right, it might be time to reevaluate. You don’t want to feel “in love, but” for the rest of your life either. Give him some time to grow into himself and for your relationship to develop beyond the honeymoon period. If this feeling passes, then great, if not, its probably time to leave.
Post # 10
I appreciate the advice. I think that where we are in life is definitely a hinderance to our relationship. I’m pretty ambitious and successful and have a pretty reasonable plan in place for my future career. He is struggling to graduate because he’s sick of school (which I get) and is probably going to take a while to figure out what he wants after this. But I think that when he finds something he likes, he will be really into it and will be completely different.
Given our potential, I do want to give us the time to see where we will go next, both separately and as a couple. But I also worry about getting in too deep because we are already very serious. He says that if he had the means to right now, he would marry me. And I know that he is serious about it. He is so sure about us. I am so sure about our potential but not quite how it’s working out right now.
Post # 11
I agree with PP- sounds like the honeymoon phase is ending. How long have ya’ll been together and how long have ya’ll lived together?
Post # 12
- Wedding: April 2013 - A court...
I felt a similar way before i married my husband and we also got serious fast! Previous ex I was head over heals for which.is why it took me forever to leave him even though he was emotinally abusive. Anyways, a few months after we got married I felt unhappy but I didn’t know why. I was overthinking everything, maybe I should’ve made choices a bit different. But the more I thought the more I realized I wouldn’t still be with my husband. The thoughts slowly went away and though I.still.have those thoughts every now and then (depression ) I realize I’m.much happier with him than I would be on my own. We also got two doggies together 🙂 . Though I notice a few similarities between us of course every situation is different. I think maybe wait til you get your anxiety under control to make a decision. Best of luck.op.
Post # 13
I like to think of love as a campfire.
In the beginning, it is raw, powerful and it consumes anything it touches. But over time ash covers the flame and instead of this open fire, you have white hot embers smoldering beneath a cover of ash. It’s still hot, it still consumes, it’s still powerful, but it smolders more steadily. Fire burns redily and it burns out quickly, but those smoldering embers remain and keep that fire alive, even though you can’t see it.
Love ebbs and flows, that’s just the way it is. You need to determine if this is an ebb or if it’s a drought, because love is one of the few things in life that should never be mediocre. If you’re not madly in love, even if it isn’t a consuming madly, it’s not worth wasting your short life on.
Post # 14
+1 to every love is different. I also received that advice and it’s soooooo true.
My first serious relationship was passionate and consuming and fiery and amazing sex and all of that.
Compared to now, it would make Fiance look boring and vanilla.
But I love him, and I cherish him as a person. He is stable and he is smart, he is caring and compassionate, and he always knows how to make me feel better. And above all, he RESPECTS me. Which is something I can truly say my first relationship never had.
He doesn’t give me butterflies or take my breath away, and the sex is okay…But I still get excited to see him and miss him when he’s gone and want to spend time with him. And all of the things he DOES give me in return for the butterflies are way more valuable to me. He is the stable foundation upon which I want to build my life, and I’d trade that security and happiness for the passion all day long.
I think maybe just really evaluate who you are and what you want. After my ex and I broke up, I took a couple years and “sowed my wild oats” as it were – dated around, slept around, nothing serious, and just learned to live with and love me. It made me realize what I want from myself and what I want from a partner, and that is how I came to be here. 🙂
Post # 15
@icanhearyousmile: This sounds so much like us! I miss him right now and wish we could be hanging out regardless of how confused I am.
I think part of my confusion is that I didn’t have that time to just be single and figure myself out before I met him. That desire to be just myself and only have to deal with myself and how to just be happy by myself. When I’ve voiced this, he won’t have it haha. He was single and desperate for a long time and insists that after the first rush of being single, I will be lonely and sad and that he’s not willing to give me up for the next guy to snatch up once I’ve gotten sick of being single. And he’s right – since I’ve been in relationships for so long, I’ve gotten so used to having that person to confide in who is always there for me, and I’m not sure how I would handle that alone. So it’s definitely hard at times, but I’m so lucky that he will listen to these feelings and support me working through them and us staying together. He doesn’t like them, and he got really upset when I voiced them, but being with me matters to him over anything else so he is willing to work with me.
Post # 16
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@juliana192: I would say you are young and I suspect this is your second or third long term sexual relationship and the heat and passion is cooling off but you don’t know what comes next. Relationships are not siss boom bah all the time but you should still have some passion for your partner, it just changes and is usually less intense. But I also think you’re young and you’re trying to make this relationship work when it sounds like he is too young/immature (see: him losing sleep and grades over video games) for a serious relationship right now. He says he wants it but his behavior shows otherwise.
Be alone. Seriously. It sucks at first but give yourself 3-6 months at least, if not an entire year, to be completely alone. You will learn so much about yourself and have so much more to offer once you start back dating again.