When it just doesn't feel right…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

It sounds to me like the honeymoon phase is ending. If you have a good foundation and have built a real bond, this will pass. Real love isn’t the same as burning passion. Fire consumes. You can still have passion, but it isn’t something that can burn continually.

Post # 4
Member
1689 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

The best advice that I got is “every love is different.”

My first love was that fire.  It was all consuming flame that was so hot it burned.  It scarred me. 

My current love is water in comparison.  He gives me butterflies while also making me feel calm and secure.  While we are passionate, it is a soft and sweet; never violent/red hot like my prior relationship.  He is stable and wonderful.

I prefer the second one immensely. 

Post # 6
Member
9529 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I can somewhat relate. I too had a very intensely emotional relationship in the past that I found out was too intense and not healthy. He was not the right guy. But then when you start with a new guy it’s naturally not as intense and it feels weird by comparision. But it’s actually way healthier. 

You and your guys are likely transitioning out of the “honeymoon” phase which is totally normal. So take some time and see how the transition works. This is where the real relationship starts.

Honestly, I would never get engaged during the honeymoon phase. Not that I’m judging anybody who gets married quickly, just me. I just don’t feel like I could really know someone well enough if they haven’t been around long enough to see me at my worst. I have a psychologist friend who says that couples are on their good behavior for the first 2 years. It’s only after that time, the honeymoon phase, that they really get to know the real person they’re in a relationship with.

Post # 7
Member
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

While it could just be that the honeymoon phase is over, I think if you don’t feel right you need to either talk to him about it (in a constructive “let’s spice things up!” type of way) or end it.  Most people’s first loves feel crazy, consuming, and passionate because 1. you’re experiencing everything for the very first time and 2. this usually happens when you’re in your teens so hormones magnify everything.

You want a life partner, but you also want someone you’re excited to be with every day.  You mentioned your SO’s grades, so I assume you two are still pretty young.  You have time to find a permanent partner, so I really wouldn’t sweat making the “is this the person I’m going to marry?” decision right now.  Let yourself mature and figure out what you want.  Talk to your partner to see if the passion is something you two can work on together.  If things don’t start to feel right, there’s nothing wrong with moving on.

Post # 9
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@BeachBride2014:  + 1. I agree that “every love is different” so it is hard to compare two different relationships. 

@juliana192:  With that said, I do think you need to honor your gut feelings and intution. Often our bodies speak to us through these feelings and you most likely feel the way you do for a reason. This doesn’t mean you should run and leave straight away, it just means keep paying attention to your body and how it feels day by day and as things develop. 
There is also a big difference between it “not feeling quite right” and not having all the negative but powerful passion you had for your ex. You mentioned a possible lack of ambition and feeling more dominant and less equal in the relationship. My guess is that there are lots of little things making you have this feeling and perhaps blocking you from feeling more good passion. 

Again, just pay attention to yourself. At the end of the day if it still doesnt feel right, it might be time to reevaluate. You don’t want to feel “in love, but” for the rest of your life either. Give him some time to grow into himself and for your relationship to develop beyond the honeymoon period. If this feeling passes, then great, if not, its probably time to leave.  

Post # 11
Member
1234 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with PP- sounds like the honeymoon phase is ending. How long have ya’ll been together and how long have ya’ll lived together?

Post # 12
Member
3097 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - A court...

I felt a similar way before i married my husband and we also got serious fast! Previous ex I was head over heals for which.is why it took me forever to leave him even though he was emotinally abusive. Anyways, a few months after we got married I felt unhappy but I didn’t know why. I was overthinking everything, maybe I should’ve made choices a bit different. But the more I thought the more I realized I wouldn’t still be with my husband. The thoughts slowly went away and though I.still.have those thoughts every now and then (depression ) I realize I’m.much happier with him than I would be on my own. We also got two doggies together 🙂 . Though I notice a few similarities between us of course every situation is different. I think maybe wait til you get your anxiety under control to make a decision. Best of luck.op.

Post # 13
Member
8702 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I like to think of love as a campfire.

In the beginning, it is raw, powerful and it consumes anything it touches. But over time ash covers the flame and instead of this open fire, you have white hot embers smoldering beneath a cover of ash. It’s still hot, it still consumes, it’s still powerful, but it smolders more steadily. Fire burns redily and it burns out quickly, but those smoldering embers remain and keep that fire alive, even though you can’t see it.

Love ebbs and flows, that’s just the way it is. You need to determine if this is an ebb or if it’s a drought, because love is one of the few things in life that should never be mediocre. If you’re not madly in love, even if it isn’t a consuming madly, it’s not worth wasting your short life on.

Post # 14
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

+1 to every love is different. I also received that advice and it’s soooooo true.

My first serious relationship was passionate and consuming and fiery and amazing sex and all of that.

Compared to now, it would make FI look boring and vanilla.

But I love him, and I cherish him as a person. He is stable and he is smart, he is caring and compassionate, and he always knows how to make me feel better. And above all, he RESPECTS me. Which is something I can truly say my first relationship never had.

He doesn’t give me butterflies or take my breath away, and the sex is okay…But I still get excited to see him and miss him when he’s gone and want to spend time with him. And all of the things he DOES give me in return for the butterflies are way more valuable to me. He is the stable foundation upon which I want to build my life, and I’d trade that security and happiness for the passion all day long.

I think maybe just really evaluate who you are and what you want. After my ex and I broke up, I took a couple years and “sowed my wild oats” as it were – dated around, slept around, nothing serious, and just learned to live with and love me. It made me realize what I want from myself and what I want from a partner, and that is how I came to be here. 🙂

Good luck!!

Post # 16
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@juliana192:  I would say you are young and I suspect this is your second or third long term sexual relationship and the heat and passion is cooling off but you don’t know what comes next.  Relationships are not siss boom bah all the time but you should still have some passion for your partner, it just changes and is usually less intense.  But I also think you’re young and you’re trying to make this relationship work when it sounds like he is too young/immature (see: him losing sleep and grades over video games) for a serious relationship right now.  He says he wants it but his behavior shows otherwise.

Be alone.  Seriously.  It sucks at first but give yourself 3-6 months at least, if not an entire year, to be completely alone.  You will learn so much about yourself and have so much more to offer once you start back dating again.

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