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Hello bees,
I have been going through a custody battle for about 6 months now... I am trying to move to LA to be with FI and my daughters father wants her to say in FL with him. FI and I have been together for 2 years this year and my daughter is 3. So FI has known my daughter since she was 1 and her bio father has been very involved in my daughters life as well. Anywho.. someone has been telling my ex everything I do, my plans, things I say etc. I just had this feeling to look through my mom's cell phone (she never just leaves her cell phone lying around) and I see these messages to my ex telling him that is said this.. i didn't want this.. etc The leak in my circle is.. my mother. She has also been seeing my daughter when he is with her (even though I live with her and have her every other week) who knows what they talk about when its not over the phone u know? Needless to say I am devastated.. I am out of school right now because I transfered to a school in LA thinking this process wouldn't take FOREVER.. all I am asking is to relocate with my daughter.. the answer is yes or no! I am not working because I did not want to commit myself to something for a few months and then have to quit but now I am wishing I never left school and got a job because, heres the kicker, FI and I are also at ends. This long distance thing is getting to us, and its getting really bad. When we are together things are perfect but when we are apart things fall apart... I just told him I needed a couple months to figure things out... :(
Wow, I'm so sorry! I don't know what to tell you that will help other than stay as strong as possible and we Bee's are always here to listen. ((HUGS))
Do you live in Florida right now? Or is your ex trying to get full custody?
If you both currently live in Florida and share custody of your daughter ... I'm sorry but I think it is wrong for you to move to LA and separate your daughter from her father, especially as you say he has been involved in her life. I know you want to be with your FH and you probably have an exciting life waiting for you in LA, and that's hard. But think about how you would feel if your ex tried to take your daughter and move really far away. No way would you be okay with it. And unfortunately your daughter's interests (being close to her dad) must come first ....
Will your FH not move to be closer to you instead of vice verse?
It sounds like your mother doesnt want you to move and is using your ex and the custody battle to prevent it. Its best to speak to her and explain to her why you think this move is for the best.
Of which I have to ask, is it? If dad is a good dad, why would you want to move your child so far away? Be sure you are moving for all the right reasons, not just because you want to.
@moonadea: My FH is an airman in the united states air force and cannot relocate. I do live in FL right now. Exciting life? I just want to be with my FH. My ex is a 40 something year old uneducated man who preys on teenagers and has lived his whole life in FL. He has nothing to offer my daughter. He also wanted me to have an abortion.. so... yea thats all
@lefeymw: He is a good dad, but I am also a good mother. My daughter will have to be without one of us...should it be me because I have found love?
@lefeymw: my mother has not objected to the move in my face.. she is really two faced and has never been very motherly. I just never thought she would stab me in the back
@Karissa: Well generally, its not about you or him, but whats best for her in these situations... which may be the same as what is best for you. But if it comes down to it the court will decide anyway if he doesnt want to give you permission.
I assume that he cant move to FL? Good Luck
@lefeymw: yea...... The court has been deciding for about 6 months now. Everything keeps being amended over and over and over and then there is a 90 day wait period and mediation that gets booked a month out.. which can't be booked until all the amending is done.. so pretty much this will never end...
@Karissa: He has nothing to offer your daughter? I could have sworn that you said he is a good father. And that he loves his daughter. I know you feel bad about your mother being the leak in your circle and that sucks. However, if your daughter's father were my brother, I would tell him not to let his daughter to move out to a place where he can't see her often. You said you have her every other week so that means he has her every other week. Imagine seeing your daughter that often to seeing her sporadically because she is out of state? I don't blame him for fighting to keep her with him. It sucks all the way round because you feel like your life is on hold, trust me, I've been there. But you know what, time will go by and like as not, the court is going to decide soon. I hope it's something all parties will be satisfied with.
i am sorry that you are in this very difficult position-but I agree with PP, are you really considering your daughters best interests? I don't want to sound like I am criticizing you - only you know exactly what you are going through, but I can't help but feel this isn't fair for your daughter. She's a child and I think she needs to be the priority. I think its unfair to relocate her away from her father. I am a school counselor, and I see the effects of similar situations on children all the time. Its not a pretty outcome for them - they suffer and usually end up resenting one of you. This is your decision and of course depending on the courts decision at this point, but if I were in your position I would work it out so that FI moves to me. Is this possible at all in the future?
It's a hard situation, but your daughter has two parents who love her, and that is not something the court is taking lightly. You need to wait it out. I get that you want to be with your SO and that you view your ex as poor role model for your daughter, but look at it from the court's perspective: You are essentially trying to separate your 3 year old from a loving father so you can be with a guy. If your ex pulled this, wouldn't you want the courts to take time and figure out if this is in the best interest of your child and not just let him take your daughter away?
For the time being, focus on what you can change. Talk to your mom, get a straight answer on why she is going behind your back, then decide how you want to proceed with her. Next, work on the situation with your FI. Can you visit him more? Skype?
@bRooklynRocks: he loves her yes, but I also love her. On one hand you have her father who is on food stamps and drowning in debt, has never seen the world and has no plans for furthering his highschool education to be able to get an actual career. On the other hand I am working on my degree in biochemistry AND nuclear physics, have traveled all over the world (my FI has also and has an engineering degree). When I leave, she could either be with a modern day family or with a single uneducated family. If he were trying to take my daughter away, I would be sweating in my boots because I have no income or education to fight for my daughter. Anything he has contributed to my daughters life (college fund etc) he relies on my mother to pay half. He can not afford to provide a life for her and wants me to pay him child support! I just turned 18 when he and I met and he was in his late 30s, now mid 40s. He preys on little nieve little girls and I fell victim to him when I was very stupid. I am living with my mistakes, my daughter shouldn't have to too. Especially when she has a mother who loves her and a step father who loves her and can provide a good life for her and be great rolemodels to her. but thanks for your input.
@Rubies: my daughter has 3 parents who love her. And we have been doing the long distance thing for 2 years. Since my daughter was 1. We want to get married now. We want to be a family
@Karissa: I get what you are saying but I guess we are going to agree to disagree. Good luck with your court case and as I stated previously, I hope things work out to the benefit for all parties concerned.
Ugh, that's a tough one. First of all, it totally sucks to have your mom betray you in that way. You should have a long talk with her about boundaries and trust. As far as moving is concerned, I wish you the best of luck. The Court may take awhile, but hopefully that is because a good and solid decision is being made about what will be best for your daughter. Of course you will always feel that the relocation will be best for her, and her father will always think that you staying close by in FL will be the best decision. That's why we have a court system - to make a choice that is in the best interest of your child, objectively and without passion. I hope that you can resolve this and find a way to have a happy future with your daughter AND your FI - can he request a transfer? I know that my FI was formerly a Marine, and whenever they were up for re-enlistment, there were a number of options offered to them in terms of transfers and changes of job duties. Good luck!
@Karissa: Yes, but the law doesn't consider him a parent with rights. It sucks, but that is how it is. Ultimately, the courts will make the call, but I would hate to be the judge because there is no easy choice, and hard choices make bad law. Your ex being poor isn't a reason to terminate his parental rights, but I can see why you want your daughter to be raised by you and your fiance, you are capable of providing her a life with more opportunities. Have you gotten your mom to tell you why she went behind your back?
@Rubies: i never wanted his rights terminated. I want him to have her as much as possible and continue to have a relationship with his daughter. I did confront my mother and she is basically denying it.. I am not going to make a fight about it.. I will just know to not trust her... sad really
@KSquared: he can request a change but he is trying to make general one day. He has a lot of connections here in LA and would like to make the most of them.. FL air base would not be as geered as LA. He is at the space and missile base and is doing very well. Besides, he cant even request a change for another 2-3years.
First off, I'd stop talking about anything around your mother. If she's doing that, then she needs to be cut out. Second, how much of this does your FI know? Admittedly, a LDR is hell on anyone and this emotional toll is worse when you don't have someone to lean on, but maybe if you tell him everything and how upset you are, he might understand. If you two are really serious and he wants to be a father, perhaps you could ask if he would help you to get a lawyer, if you don't have one already. It's amazing how fast a lawyer can help get things done. You might even be able to qualify for legal aid (free or at a REALLY low cost).
Regardless of how things go, I'd also suggest moving out and getting away from your mother. It sounds like she's afraid of loosing her granddaughter and this might be her way to keep your daughter there.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this and that your mother is being this way. Good luck and I hope things work out for the best.
This story makes me sick to my stomach. You are being COMPLETELY selfish and that make me sad for your daughter. Whatever you think of him, he is her father and it is to late for you to decide that he isn't good enough or whatever. She needs her dad and I don't give a rat's ass what kind of "love" you have found. Any man that would be okay with a woman moving her child 2000 miles away from her father is no man at all! Your daughter will be resentful that you have choosen being with a man over letting her have her father in her life on a regular basis. Shame on you for hurting her.
@burris4: I have to agree with you
@Karissa: I know where your coming from, as I have a son myself and I am going to marry a wonderful man that is not my son's biological father. For your child's sake, please reconsider what you are asking-to move out of state because you finally found love and her father is uneducated anyway. Unforntunatly we can not change the past, her father is what he is and he has rights too. If your plan is to move across the country to be with someone then that's fine, that is your right. When you add a child into the mix, it's a whole different ballgame. I'm not saying you need to be stuck in FL for the rest of your life and miss out on love, but you need to compromise a little here. Maybe you have her for the school year, he has her for school breaks and summers?
As far as your mother goes, there is nothing you can do about that. She betrayed you. I would stop telling her things, you can't change people. She is who she is and probably won't stop.
@Zinzerena: thanks ryna. I already have a lawyer and she keeps telling me to be patient. and i agree with everything else..
@MRYDER325: i never planned on her never seeing her father again. for sure he will have her summers and holidays and is welcomed to visit her any time he pleases.
So sorry for all you are going through. I hope it all works out for you!
Ok, I know burris4 is a bit out of line, but I think you need to reconsider your post back.
Situations like this are really hard, and it might be hard to hear but you really need to make sure you are doing this for the right reasons. I haven't spoken to my mother in 15 years. Yes years. Why? Nasty custody battle, while she could argue that she was getting an education to better herself, she never put me first and choosing to live with my Dad was the best thing I could have done. While he doesn't have a college education he did raise me right and now I've been the 2nd person in his family to go to college and got myself a great career. Now I'm not saying any of this is like your situation, but I did think it would help to hear from someone who's seen this from your daughter's side. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.
@Karissa: I know that this is hard, but this is what a custody battle brings. It is very hard to completely separate one side of the family from another. You can expect this to go on forever if your ex doesn't want to only see his daughter during the summers. Don't you realize how unfair that might seem to him? He goes from just every other weekend or whatever to once a year? And then you'll be fighting over which holidays she gets to spend with whom, and I'm sure a whole hell of a lot else. If you really want to move to LA then that is the farthest away you could possibly take her from him. Is he not willing to move to be closer to her? (your ex)
sorry you are having to deal with this... i hope things getter easier for you!
@Karissa: ugh. From what you said about the dad, I can't blame you. And, really, only YOU can consider what's best for your child. I'm just so sorry you're stuck in such a rotten position.
I hope it works out and you can marry your love and have your daughter move with you, where ever that may be. :) (I have friends who are married to military men and they move often, which is why I said that.) Good luck!!!
@arenyth: no he is not willing to move closer to be with her. I absolutely know that it is unfair to my ex. I completely understand why her father is fighting for her. I would not expect him to do anything less than that. It is unfair to everyone.
@jimbert321: thank you. it did help. I grew up without my father and I absolutely understand the importance a father plays in a child's life. My mother was everything, single parent (luckily she had an education and we did not have to struggle financially) and working all of the time. Unfortunately because of this I was left without a mother and a father. I want better for my daughter. I want her to have parental presence in her life. With a single parent.. she will have to give up a lot. And about education, I do not want my daughter to think that a highschool education is ok. I want the absolute best for her. I want her to go to the best private schools and have everything she needs to be successful in life as well as in happiness. I want her to see the world as I have been fortunate enough to do. I want so much more for my daughter than my ex could offer her. It goes far beyond education. I want her to be surrounded by people who see the world on higher economical level. I want what is best for my child. My ex on the other hand wants her to just be with him. wants her to pass up going to a bilingual chinese and english school with an orchcestra to go to public school because he can't afford to pay for her education and he doesn't care. I am sure our situations are very different and I am happy for you if your situation worked out to your liking. But that will not work out for me, I will not sit back and allow my daughter to be second rate or be raised in that fashion because her father is stubborn.
@Zinzerena: thank you very much for your support. I cannot explain to you how much support of friends and husband and the bees has helped me through this very difficult situation.
@ATP2011: he is my husband. we are officially married. But we have not had our wedding yet. So i call him my FI
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