When mutual friends tell you not to tell your FI

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Hostess
14997 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

DH knows everything I know and vice versa. Our friends would never ask me not to tell DH, they know better, but they also know that what is said between the two of us, stays between the two of us.

Post # 3
Member
37 posts
Newbee

I just had the same thing happen. I HATE keeping secrets and I don’t think it’s fair this other person told me anything they didn’t want him to know. That’s just pure assholedness, IMO. It’s not detrimental to our relationship, that’s the only reason I haven’t said anything. Plus, the person that told me said secret kinda scares me a bit. 

Post # 4
Member
1377 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I do think it’s unfair to a point. If it’s just something silly, who cares? lol. But if it’s a legitimate secret that is verging on dangerous or something, you can right bet I’m going to discuss it with FI. 

I also think it’s really the act of “Don’t tell X!” that doesn’t sit right with me. I’m married or near married to this person. Consider them to be privy to any information I get. Don’t make there be something between me and my FI – that’s rude on a few different levels. 

Post # 5
Member
7243 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Ellee16:  When a friend asks me not to tell my husband something then I respect their privacy and don’t tell my husband. Just because you are in a romantic relationship does not mean that you should suddenly stop respecting the other relationships in your life.

If you have a problem with not sharing with your partner then you need to make sure that your friends know this well in advance of them sharing any confidences with you. And if you are upfront then I am pretty sure our friendship would dramatically change because I wouldn’t be able to trust you and what good is having friends if you can’t hash out your fears, insecurities, problems or secrets with them.

For me anyone that shares someone’s secrets is a gossip and not a very good friend. If I found out that a friend told their partner something I had told them in confidence then I would be angry and would probably let the friendship die a quick death because well if someone can do that they are not really your friend.

Post # 7
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

j_jaye:  

+1 I don’t feel the need to tell my husband everything. 

I generally do not stay friends with anyone who tells her partner all of my business. 

 

Post # 8
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I don’t tell my Fi everything. Part of being a good friend is knowing when your friend’s privacy must be respected. 

Post # 10
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

It depends what it is. 

Frankly, 95% of the time, my DH really doesn’t want to know, nor does he need to know. The only time I would tell him is if *I* needed a sounding board or advice that only he could provide or if I felt that it was necessary to involve him. I don’t consider it a referendum on our relationship that I don’t tell him everything that’s going on in my friends’ lives, or that he doesn’t tell me everything going on in his friends’ lives. 

I don’t think it’s an unreasonable request for someone to ask you not to disclose something to your spouse, but it’s also not unreasonable for you to tell them that you can’t uphold that expectation, either. 

 

Post # 11
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I agree with j_jaye. Besides your romantic relationship you also have a relationship with your friend, and keeping your friend secret doesnt take away from what you have with your SO. But telling does show a lack of respect towards your friend. Don’t get me wrong, i tell my FI things, ( depending on the info) but if its that important to my friend to specifaclly ask me not to, i respect that. Even if it doesnt seem like such a big deal to me.

Post # 15
Member
1377 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Ellee16:  I think a lot of posters also had an all or nothing approach. Like literally tell EVERYTHING or NOTHING. Well, that’s silly. I really don’t know of anyone that tells their partner every single thing that gets told to them. But if I had a friend come up to me, and she/he tells me something that concerns my FI, or it’s something that worries me a lot, yes, FI will know. If it’s just something that isn’t a hugely serious matter, or doesn’t concern FI, of course he wouldn’t know. *eyeroll* 

 

Edit: I definitely read it as the only reason that someone woudl tell me to not tell my FI would be something about it, FWIW. Idk why someone would even say that to begin with if it weren’t the case. 

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