When proposal pressure reaches a boiling point

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
2057 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia

Hey, hugs, don’t worry.

It will pan itself out. Just don’t mention anything wedding to your future fiance.

I’ve been there! (6 years together before I got engaged)
I learnt that I just had to accept that my FI wanted to be the romantic one. So, I finally made a pact — and guess what, me not pressuring him actually made it a lot easier for him to plan a surprise.

I have foiled my fiance’s proposal plans too many times by me proposing to him. So yeah… don’t fret!

Post # 4
3077 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Honestly, I feel like I hear that story a LOT and then 2 years later, the girl is complaining that “he said he’d propose once we move in and he hasn’t yet!”


You don’t want to move in without a proposal, you need to stick to that. He can wait if he wants but you don’t need to change your beliefs & needs. You shouldn’t have badgered him but you’re not wrong to want to wait. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Post # 5
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I agree with the not moving in together before you get engaged.  I had some failed relationships whereby I was living with that person and lost so much – emotionally and possession-wise when it all fell to bits.  

If he wants to get engaged and wants you forever I don’t understand why he can’t propose then have you move in?  

Post # 6
1343 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

@Charbelle:  +1 I agree with this.  In a previous relationship I lived with someone who said they wanted to marry me, but we never got engaged and it was heartbreaking to have to move out when it fell apart.  I swore I’d never do it again, but I’m living my with my current SO, against my better judgment.  So far, it seems like I was right because the topic of getting married/engaged has completely disappeared since we moved in and he isn’t ready at all to take that step.  If the relationship falls apart, I will be utterly devastated because I threw everything into it emotionally and possession-wise.  I would seriously never recommend living with someone without at least being engaged first.  Wish I’d taken my own advice this time around!

Post # 7
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@Livelifeveryday:  Sorry, no advice on how to get over it – you will just have to deal. Like he will have to accept that his surprise was spoiled, you will just have to accept that you will see it coming.

I do have advice for afterwards though – DO NOT DWELL ON THIS. It will only upset both of you. You get what you want, be happy about it. Make it worthwhile for him.

Post # 8
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@Charbelle:  I tend to disagree. I find that you learn so many new things about a person when you live with them, and it’s the sort of stuff that you’re better off knowing before you commit to marriage. And I don’t mean things like “oh man I’m going to have to put up with a lifetime of him throwing his socks everywhere except the laundry basket”, I’m talking about “grown up” things – like how you will deal with bills together, how you create a home for yourselves as a future family (with or without children), healthy living habits, finding a healthy balance between time together and time alone, etc.

If you find there are problems or ‘bad habits’ as a result of living with the other person, either with yourself or the person you’re living with, you have time to fix them together at your own pace. Because then when you get married, you won’t feel like it’s this huge physical transition in your life with a whole myriad of new problems to fix that you’ve never encountered before/risk of your relationship having difficulties/ending. That seems scary to me.

Post # 9
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Livelifeveryday:  just forget about if and move on. Repeatedly bringing it up will only make it worse. Also, if he doesn’t propose to you over it then he’s not someone worth marrying in the first place.

Post # 10
397 posts
Helper bee



DON’T BUY IT!!!!!  The whole “I was planning on proposing after we moved in together”  He is just feeding it to you and making you feel guilty cuz things aren’t going his way.

I live with my SO, for a years now, and I am still waiting….and I’ve threatened to move out, but it is so much harder now…it’s like a divorce…who gets the furniture, etc.

You are in a much better position right now that you don’t live together. Why would you two moving in together make him want to propose then and not now?? He is NOT making sense. Don’t you dare feel guilty or bad or that you ruined it…you are being smart!!!!

Post # 11
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@Livelifeveryday:  Based on you story, sure, maybe you were pressuring him. But I want to focus on the other thing you mentioned in your OP for a moment. You told him that you don’t want to live together before being engaged and/or married right? Why would you compromise your beliefs because he’s planning a secret proposal for after you move in??? Relationships are about compromise and communication. Maybe you were pressuring too much but it doesn’t seem fair for him to blow up about that and say he was planning to propose once you’ve moved in if you’re opposed to living together before marriage/engagement. Maybe I misinterpreted your original post but that would definitely negate some of my guilt.

As for moving forward, I totally pressured my partner. Because guys don’t sometimes get lead times on things. He wanted to propose for a certain point but didn’t realize how long it took to get a ring made. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in the loop! If he wants to be the one to propose, my attitude is “Get to it!” Which may not be the most helpful. I just don’t think you should be blaming yourself for this as much as it sounds like you are in the OP.

Post # 13
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Livelifeveryday:  Why was he planning a propsal after you moved in when you already said you would not live together without being engaged?!Makes no sense at all! I think that was said to maybe turn things on you


I think it would be a really good idea now to not mention a proposal now.Equally he should not mention moving in until he has proposed!


Post # 14
1360 posts
Bumble bee

@Livelifeveryday:  Based on just what you wrote, you have absolutely NO reason to feel bad. Your SO obviously did not realise how important this is to you (or he did and ignored that importance), and kept you guessing. Yes, you should have had calm discussions about your future rather than pestering, but that doesn’t justify his silence. His desire to keep it a secret was more important to him than your feelings, and that is not ok.

He should have at least mentioned or hinted that the proposal was coming. You made it clear that you don’t want to move in without being engaged, and his plan goes directly against yours.

Neither of you were in the wrong; you just need to communicate better. In any case, don’t feel bad! Those sad feelings will dissipate soon enough 🙂

Post # 15
1491 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@soontobemrsm11:  +1


His reasoning for a proposal hinged entirely on you MOVING IN.  Which you don’t seem comfortable with doing.  So therefore, his reasonings for WHEN he was going to propose are flawed.   

I wouldn’t beat yourself up over this…. if he wanted to propose, he’d do it, whether or not you moved in with him or not.   

Wait for a real proposal…that doesn’t hinge on your actions in regards to something you aren’t comfortable doing.  

Sure, maybe he had this “idea” that after you moved in he would feel comfortable proposing… but really, if he was ready to propose…he would do it no matter what.  Don’t let him guilt you into it, is all I’m saying.  


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