Post # 1
In short, we live seperatly, two towns away from each other. My boyfriend and I had a blowout fight the other night due to a culmination of things. The first was because I didn’t want to live together before getting engaged/out of wedlock. His response was that he was commited to me. Then I got mad because it had dawned on me that I’d proposed to him twice before and he’d turned me down based on the fact that he was stubborn and I have to wait for him to propose to me. I suppose I was frustrated at the thought of having to wait on pins and needles for years to come after we’ve been together for five years for an undetermined amount of time even though I knew we’re both commited and want marriage. I was being a really less then steller person that night after weeks of just well being a bad waiting bee, one whom mentions getting proposed way too much, ie, pressuring him. He got so pissed this partuclar night and had had enough of my frustration, I mean I don’t blame him, I really needed to revaulate how I was behaving.
He blew up, and said “I WAS PLANNING ON PROPOSING SHORTLY AFTER WE MOVED IN TOGETHER! YOU HAPPY?! YOU WANTED A TIMELINE ALL THIS TIME AND NOW YOU KNOW! THAT’S WHAT YOU WANTED ISN’T IT???!”
I’m not looking to get flamed as I’m completly aware of how utterly inapproporate and hurtful my actions were looking back. 🙁
When he said that I just looked at him, in stunned silence…. we had a discussion regarding his reasons for testing the waters which I was still irritated at him for that. but we love each other and ended the night by just falling asleep holding each other. After I’d talked to him a couple days after I was still feeling bad about pressuring him and what I had said that night. I apologized to him and he simply responded “Its Fine”. But, I’ve been worried that either he won’t want to propose to me anymore or that I’d ruined his plans. I was silent when he’d yelled those words to me, and I’ve tryed to brush it off, however I still feel horrible and stunned nearly 4 days later. After my apology I have not told him how I feel or mentioned my lingering sadness over what happened. But here I am at my desk thinking that although I want to let it go, I still feel devasted. For some reason the song by Reba comes to mind “What Do You Say In A Moment Like This”
Sheepishly I ask, Has anyone ever had a situation like this happen to them? or any advice on how to get over it? I’m having a hard time not feeling anxious about it.
Post # 3
- Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia
Hey, hugs, don’t worry.
It will pan itself out. Just don’t mention anything wedding to your future fiance.
I’ve been there! (6 years together before I got engaged)
I learnt that I just had to accept that my Fiance wanted to be the romantic one. So, I finally made a pact — and guess what, me not pressuring him actually made it a lot easier for him to plan a surprise.
I have foiled my fiance’s proposal plans too many times by me proposing to him. So yeah… don’t fret!
Post # 4
Honestly, I feel like I hear that story a LOT and then 2 years later, the girl is complaining that “he said he’d propose once we move in and he hasn’t yet!”
You don’t want to move in without a proposal, you need to stick to that. He can wait if he wants but you don’t need to change your beliefs & needs. You shouldn’t have badgered him but you’re not wrong to want to wait. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Post # 5
I agree with the not moving in together before you get engaged. I had some failed relationships whereby I was living with that person and lost so much – emotionally and possession-wise when it all fell to bits.
If he wants to get engaged and wants you forever I don’t understand why he can’t propose then have you move in?
Post # 6
@Charbelle: +1 I agree with this. In a previous relationship I lived with someone who said they wanted to marry me, but we never got engaged and it was heartbreaking to have to move out when it fell apart. I swore I’d never do it again, but I’m living my with my current SO, against my better judgment. So far, it seems like I was right because the topic of getting married/engaged has completely disappeared since we moved in and he isn’t ready at all to take that step. If the relationship falls apart, I will be utterly devastated because I threw everything into it emotionally and possession-wise. I would seriously never recommend living with someone without at least being engaged first. Wish I’d taken my own advice this time around!
Post # 7
@Livelifeveryday: Sorry, no advice on how to get over it – you will just have to deal. Like he will have to accept that his surprise was spoiled, you will just have to accept that you will see it coming.
I do have advice for afterwards though – DO NOT DWELL ON THIS. It will only upset both of you. You get what you want, be happy about it. Make it worthwhile for him.
Post # 8
@Charbelle: I tend to disagree. I find that you learn so many new things about a person when you live with them, and it’s the sort of stuff that you’re better off knowing before you commit to marriage. And I don’t mean things like “oh man I’m going to have to put up with a lifetime of him throwing his socks everywhere except the laundry basket”, I’m talking about “grown up” things – like how you will deal with bills together, how you create a home for yourselves as a future family (with or without children), healthy living habits, finding a healthy balance between time together and time alone, etc.
If you find there are problems or ‘bad habits’ as a result of living with the other person, either with yourself or the person you’re living with, you have time to fix them together at your own pace. Because then when you get married, you won’t feel like it’s this huge physical transition in your life with a whole myriad of new problems to fix that you’ve never encountered before/risk of your relationship having difficulties/ending. That seems scary to me.
Post # 9
@Livelifeveryday: just forget about if and move on. Repeatedly bringing it up will only make it worse. Also, if he doesn’t propose to you over it then he’s not someone worth marrying in the first place.
Post # 10
DON’T BUY IT!!!!! The whole “I was planning on proposing after we moved in together” He is just feeding it to you and making you feel guilty cuz things aren’t going his way.
I live with my SO, for a years now, and I am still waiting….and I’ve threatened to move out, but it is so much harder now…it’s like a divorce…who gets the furniture, etc.
You are in a much better position right now that you don’t live together. Why would you two moving in together make him want to propose then and not now?? He is NOT making sense. Don’t you dare feel guilty or bad or that you ruined it…you are being smart!!!!
Post # 11
@Livelifeveryday: Based on you story, sure, maybe you were pressuring him. But I want to focus on the other thing you mentioned in your OP for a moment. You told him that you don’t want to live together before being engaged and/or married right? Why would you compromise your beliefs because he’s planning a secret proposal for after you move in??? Relationships are about compromise and communication. Maybe you were pressuring too much but it doesn’t seem fair for him to blow up about that and say he was planning to propose once you’ve moved in if you’re opposed to living together before marriage/engagement. Maybe I misinterpreted your original post but that would definitely negate some of my guilt.
As for moving forward, I totally pressured my partner. Because guys don’t sometimes get lead times on things. He wanted to propose for a certain point but didn’t realize how long it took to get a ring made. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in the loop! If he wants to be the one to propose, my attitude is “Get to it!” Which may not be the most helpful. I just don’t think you should be blaming yourself for this as much as it sounds like you are in the OP.
Post # 13
@Livelifeveryday: Why was he planning a propsal after you moved in when you already said you would not live together without being engaged?!Makes no sense at all! I think that was said to maybe turn things on you
I think it would be a really good idea now to not mention a proposal now.Equally he should not mention moving in until he has proposed!
Post # 14
@Livelifeveryday: Based on just what you wrote, you have absolutely NO reason to feel bad. Your SO obviously did not realise how important this is to you (or he did and ignored that importance), and kept you guessing. Yes, you should have had calm discussions about your future rather than pestering, but that doesn’t justify his silence. His desire to keep it a secret was more important to him than your feelings, and that is not ok.
He should have at least mentioned or hinted that the proposal was coming. You made it clear that you don’t want to move in without being engaged, and his plan goes directly against yours.
Neither of you were in the wrong; you just need to communicate better. In any case, don’t feel bad! Those sad feelings will dissipate soon enough 🙂
Post # 15
His reasoning for a proposal hinged entirely on you MOVING IN. Which you don’t seem comfortable with doing. So therefore, his reasonings for WHEN he was going to propose are flawed.
I wouldn’t beat yourself up over this…. if he wanted to propose, he’d do it, whether or not you moved in with him or not.
Wait for a real proposal…that doesn’t hinge on your actions in regards to something you aren’t comfortable doing.
Sure, maybe he had this “idea” that after you moved in he would feel comfortable proposing… but really, if he was ready to propose…he would do it no matter what. Don’t let him guilt you into it, is all I’m saying.
Post # 16
I will respond to everyone in a more detailed way in a bit in a seperate post because I’m about to leave the house. But, wanted to first say thanks to everyone who responded so far. As to the matter of why he said he wanted to test the waters and move in together first. His last gf he’d moved in with cheated on him with their own roommate and evidently he told me within the same argument that she used to slice her wrists in front of him during arguments with a knife not out of depression, but, out of revenge and threatened to blame it on domestic abuse. He said that during our fight that he’s afraid that he’ll find out that I’d do something like that or other things like what she did after we move in. (He didn’t know she was like that or that vengeful before they’d moved in together)