Post # 1
I have been lurking for a while and finally decided to post. I guess I am considered a waiting Bee but I don’t even have a SO at the moment. But that is where my question comes in.
First a little back story. When I was 12 I had a cancerous cyst on one of my ovaries. I had to have a surgery and when they opened me up they saw it had spread and they took everything out. Due to this fact I will never have a period in my life as well as never have kids. (Which I have accepted, I had always planned on adopting anyways.)
Now for the question. When I finally meet a guy at one point do I tell him this fact? I don’t want to get too heavy on a guy or scare him off. But I also don’t want to wait too long and have him feel like I was keeping a secret from him. My worst fear is that when I finally tell my future SO he will not want to be with someone who he could not have kids with. Or the wrong guy hears it and thinks “CHA CHING a girl who can’t get knocked up!”
The few boyfriends I had in the past, either had already known because we were friends first or it fizzled out so fast it didn’t matter. But now that I am starting to put myself out there and getting set up, I’m constantly worrying about when I should tell.
Have you ever had something personal that you weren’t sure when to share? I would appreciate any feed back. Thank you.
Post # 3
I think that as soon as a relationship starts to get serious, you might want to bring it up–if the timing feels right, of course. If the guy is worth being with, he won’t feel like you kept a big secret from him if you wait until the children discussion naturally comes up–one sign you’ve found the right guy is if he doesn’t get scared off or decide it’s a dealbreaker that you can’t have biological children.
Post # 4
I think it would probably be good timing when things begin to become serious.
Post # 5
I would share that when you are comfortable enough with the person to trust them. Like you said, I definitely wouldn’t bring it up on the first date but I wouldn’t wait too long either to the point where the guy would feel deceived. I would say when you are in an established relationship (meaning, you’ve got the titles of boyfriend/girlfriend), that would be the time to tell them. If the guy truly cares for you then he will see that this is just a hurdle. There are so many babies out there that need a home. You will do a great thing for one (or more?) of them someday.
Post # 6
I think the time to tell would be when it is clear that you are moving from dating towards a relationship. At this point things about the future (like wanting to get married and have kids at some point) may naturally come up. If he mentions wanting to have kids someday it may be good to say something like “I have always dreamed of adopting children” and then go on to explain why. The right guy will love you and look forward to raising kids with you even if they aren’t biologically his.
It’s definitely not something you need to disclose on the first date, but don’t let it get to the point where it feels like your keeping a secret.
Post # 7
@Meggonefishing: I just wanted to say hang in there. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I know a little of what you’re going through. I have something sort of related that I was afraid to tell my BF, and I got so nervous about it that I blurted it out over the phone really early on in our flirtation (I use the word “flirtation” because we weren’t even dating yet!). You know what, though? He said he didn’t care. He loves me and he’s not worried about it. I think when the right guy comes along, this kind of thing won’t be a dealbreaker or even a big deal. (Though the way I personally brought it up wasn’t BF’s favorite method of discussion I’ve ever used!) I think the other responses you got here were spot-on in saying you should wait until you feel like it’s getting serious and you feel like you can trust him, but don’t wait too long. I think you’ll know the moment when it feels right to tell him. Good luck! I hope you don’t let this get you down or hang over your head too much. I also hope you don’t let it define you or inform all your decisions. I think you’ll still have everything you want in a relationship someday!
Also, bravo to you for being so brave in sharing this! *big virtual hug*
Post # 8
Heh, I told my FI on our first date that I didn’t want kids. Not exactly your situation, but I think this is definitely “make or break” type of information. It needs to be early on.