Post # 1
What do you do? My guy talks about the same stuff all the time, and it’s really driving me crazy lately. We have some interests in common, but mostly different ones. To be perfectly honest, I do not care at all about his two current biggests interests, but I dutifully listen and pay attention and support him. But he just can’t stop talking! No matter how many times I ask him to stop, he will start again 10 minutes later. Not because he’s being purposefully disrespectful, but he gets so excited about these interests and goes on and on to anyone around him and can’t seem to self-regulate.
I’m not a huge talker, and I don’t really talk unless I have something to say. I know it’s partially on me to make up for that and talk more, but I’m also fine with silence! He feels the need to fill the silence during times when I am more than happy for neither of us to talk because he’s been talking for so long.
I feel bad because I do want to support him, but I feel like every conversation these days revolves around the same 2 or 3 things and even the first time he mentions one of them I’m inwardly sighing. I would feel horrible to ask him to just STOP talking about these things for a day here and there, and I honestly don’t think he can. We’re on opposite sides of the spectrum here – I don’t want to bore him with things I don’t think he will care about so I talk less, but he just talks and talks and talks.
Please help me out here. I love him and want to spend time with him, but it’s been a lot lately and I’m tired of just sitting there listening and not being interested in what he’s saying. I know I sound like a bitch, but I feel like the stereotypical guy who’s tired of hearing the girl talk about all of her things that he doesn’t care about and I don’t know how to find a balance.
Post # 3
Perhaps you need to actively seek out other, completely different topics for you both to talk about? It sounds like you aren’t bringing much to the table at the moment in terms of conversation and he’s trying to spend quality time with you.
Go find some current event/book/movie to talk about or even one of those books or games that has a bunch of random questions in it for people to answer.
Post # 4
Is he talking about them, to you, expecting a response, or is he merely just “rambling on” about them? Because I tend to ramble on about things – my DH is like you and doesn’t speak unless it is necessary whereas I am more like your man and I like to talk and I tend to “talk my thinking out” – maybe that is what he is doing?
Post # 5
I have the same exact issue with my SO – he talks about the same damn things all the time, and it makes me nutty, too. In my experience, asking him to stop or change subjects NEVER makes a difference. Indulging him and having a full-on conversation about what he wants to talk about does seem to satisfy him, about half the time, and he’ll go a few days without bringing that topic up. Even though it’s REALLY HARD to remain enthusiastic and interested in what he’s saying, I just fake my way through it and it seems to work.
The only other thing I’ve noticed that helps me is when I bring up something that’s on my mind, instead. I’ve noticed that my SO is generally excited to talk to me, not JUST about the things he likes. So if I bring up a subject that has a lot of potential for discussion, he can sometimes pick it up and go with it, which is a nice change in the pattern. So, even if you’re not sure if what’s on your mind is significant, it could be worth mentioning, if you do have ANY interest in conversing about it. Earlier today, I read in an article that women tend not to talk about things that don’t seem hugely important, but their SO’s often do appreciate hearing about the little things, regardless.
I also have the same problem with my SO not being comfortable in silence, while I am. Every silence is an awkward silence for him. Most silences for me, on the other hand, are a refreshing, comfortable break in which my mind can expand into. Asking my SO to talk less has had NO impact on how much he talks. Usually what I do when I want some silence is find something that requires quiet and concentration anyway – like reading, writing (for some reason I’m obsessed with sonnets), or some craft project of some sort. I think that when he sees that I’m busy or preoccupied, he’ll choose not to bother me.
I’m thinking it could be nicer for you two to try out some new things together, to maye gain some more common interests. That way you can have something to talk about, which you’ll hopefully be equally excited about. For instance, my SO and I just read a book series together, and since then, we’ve been having more conversations about literature in general, which is something that probably never would have happened if I hadn’t initiated the interest.
Post # 6
Another bee who has a yappy noisy FI!
We are in a LDR, and I live on my own. And I really like it, I like having the privacy, being able to keep my flat the way I like it, and most of all…..the silence. Sometimes I turn everything off and just sit in a silent room and read…or just sit! I find it very relaxing.
FI is the opposite. He likes constant noise. Even when he’s in the kitchen on his own, he’ll be singing away. There’s always the television, or music on. Most of the time I can cope, but there are times when I just explode and say ‘can we have a bit of peace and quiet?’ Doesn’t help that I don’t like most of his music…
What I do is just tell him that I don’t like the constant noise. I’m now not adverse to just turning the television off if it is just on for background noise. I’ll also go into the other room for some quiet, and I’ll tell him to keep the racket down. I’ve been quite rude about it sometimes, telling him that only children babble and need constant stimulation, that as an adult he should be able to cope with silence once in awhile. Sounds harsh, but I know how wearing this type of behavour can be.
I think you are just going to have to take the bull by the horns and tell him what you’ve posted here. That you have got to the point where you constantly have the urge to tell him to shut up. And that if he doesn’t shut up, you are going to have to spend less time with him, because you need a break from it.
Do you discuss your interests with him? Does he let you talk – and more importantly, listen – as much as you let him? Maybe give him a taste of his own medicine and seeing how he reacts. Maybe he really doesn’t realise how annoying he is being?
Post # 7
I have the same problem! I don’t want to crush his enthusiasm or his desire to talk to me, so I have been very gentle. I agree with the other suggestions by PPs, but I also find that sometimes I just cannot pay attention to the whole talk. Sometimes when I just can’t face a whole conversation I do what I call some passive-active listening. I interject with “mmhmm” and “yea” at the relevant points and ask basic but relevant questions, but secretly, the whole time I am only listening to about 10% of what he says, just enough to ask basic questions and engage; the other 90% is spent thinking my own thoughts. He can’t really notice and it lets him talk as much as he wants without exhausting or frustrating me.
Post # 8
Where have all these chatty men been hiding?!
My DH is very quiet, and I CONSTANTLY ramble on about things. I think it drives him a little crazy, but I can’t go from 3pm when he gets home to 10pm bedtime only saying
Post # 9
My SO was never like this..and now he’s turned into this chatty monster! He started law school a few weeks ago, and I know he’s really excited about it, but I just really, really don’t care about property, contracts or torts. And he knows that..but he just has to tell me. I usually let him go on and on for awhile, but whenever we sit down to dinner or anything like that, I tell him it’s a “law school free zone” and we need to talk about something else. So far, it’s been working – and I’m hoping as the excitement of starting school wears off, the endless rants about cold calling and case briefs will die down, too.
Post # 10
@BrandNewBride: LOL, +1. I think I say at least 1,000 words for every 2 words he says 😛
Post # 11
I get a lot of satisfaction seeing my DH happy and excited about something. If he gets a litte too overzealous, I will tell him that I know he is excited, and I am excited for him but he needs to calm down. I always say it with a smile and excitement in my face to let him know I am not upset about it.
Otherwise, in your case, I would switch topics.
Post # 12
DH is one crazy rambler too. some things are interesting to me, some things are… less so. To be honest, after an hour or so of unilateral ‘conversation”, I kind of blank out and get lost in my own thoughts. Since English is not my first language, it’s actually pretty easy. I don’t think he cares whever I’m actually listening or not, he just looooves talking.
Post # 13
I’m not trying to be funny…but look into Asperger’s Syndrome. If he’s ignoring social cues or even blatant requests that the topic is worn out, it could be because he’s just not getting it. In mild forms, it’s a super common social disorder. It might not be his fault entirely that he’s so chatty!
Post # 14
This was my first thought. There was an article about it in the New York Times. About a wife that had the same complaints about her husband as you do (the OP) and when I read your post I instantly recognized it as similar to that article.
If he does, don’t feel badly about it- it is not uncommon.
Post # 15
I’ma actually the chattier one in my relationship! SO likes it and I’m glad – he gets all concerned when I’m quiet because it often means I’m upset. 😛
When I was a kid I was in art class one day, when suddenly the boy next to me covered his ears, scrunched up his eyes, and turned to me with the most tortured expression and begged, “Stop! Talking! Please…just stop talking right now! You just keep talking!!!”
I was mortified. I had no idea I was so grating! So I’m glad SO likes when I talk. 😛 He has a high tolerance for chatty girls though – his best friend here can literally go on for hours, just in a monologue kind of way – she can link topic to topic to topic with minimal input from anyone. 😛
Post # 16
@juliana192: The only time I have this problem with my FI is RIGHT BEFORE BED!!! For some weird reason he always starts rambling on with some confusing, random story about 40 minutes before bedtime and it drives me crazy!! LOL. I tend to get very, very quiet right before bed because: a) I’m getting tired , and b) I find that being overstimulated by too much conversation or what have you right before bed prevents me from falling asleep in a decent amount of time. So I try to decompress in my last hour by sitting quietly on my iPad or whatever. But FI is totally oppsosite because it seems the closer it gets to bedtime the chattier he becomes!!! I am usually so tired I can’t respond at all and am compltetely zoned out. He knows by now that he shouldn’t take my lack of enthusiam or attention personally because that’s just how I get.