When strict parents push off the wedding bells…help!

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Counseling to help you disentagle yourself from a very controlling and frankly toxic family of origin.

You’re an adult now. Your parents don’t get to tell you where to move or who and when to marry – unless you let them. You’ve been letting them. It’s up to you now.

Post # 3
Member
4927 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

2muchfreetime:  Your parents are emotionally abusing you. They’ve gotten you so scared to rebel against them that you feel trapped and like you have to do everything they say. This is NOT true.

You are a 23 year old woman. If you want to get married, you’re allowed to do that. They have NO say over you – you are an adult. I would start by getting your own place and moving out. Don’t ask for your parents permission – simply state it, “I am moving out next month to my own apartment”. If they say no, well, too bad, they can’t control you. “Mr. 2muchfreetime and I are engaged”. If I were him, I would NOT ask permission again, since they already said no.

I agree w/a PP that you should seek counseling. 

Post # 4
Member
6623 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

At this point you are allowing your parents to control you. Stop it! You have a college education and a job- you have options!

Post # 5
Member
3632 posts
Sugar bee

annifer:  +1

 

Listen to what your mind and heart are telling you, and not your (so controlling they’re abusive) parents. You are both adults, with college educations and jobs.

If you have to, elope and head back to the town you love so much, in Washington.

Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

2muchfreetime:  You are an adult ..act like one. You want to move out, move out. Get married. You are making a choice by allowing them to control you. Don’t play into their emotional blackmail unless in 4 years you want to be in the exact same position

 

Post # 7
Member
5030 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2050

“My parents insisted that I live at home”

They can insist you wear clothes made of butterfly silk and eat nothing but hot pickled eggs.

That doesn’t mean you have to do it.

Post # 8
Member
2365 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

You and your boyfriend are both adults, with jobs and responsibilities. While you’ll always be your mom’s daughter, you are no longer a child. And for the time you live under their roof, they do make the rules. However, it’s time to move out (assuming you can afford to do so). 

If you don’t want to move in with your boyfriend yet, go look at apartments, find one you like that’s in your price range and sign the lease. Go home, get everything ready and inform them that you’ll be moving on X date. If you and your boyfriend want to move in together, then get everything sorted out with him, and then inform your parents. Don’t phrase it as a question or look for validation, just present a statement of fact.  “Mom and Dad, I appreciate that you’ve let me live here after graduation. Since I’m employed and have been able to build up my savings, I’ll be moving to my own apartment on Dec 1.”  If they try to argue with you, just thank them for their concern, and tell them that the decision has been made, and it’s final. Don’t get drawn into an discussion, just repeat the previous sentence.

If you continue acting like a child, they will continue treating you like one. As long as you live under their roof, and are supported by them, they can set the rules of the house. However, they cannot forbid you from moving out, nor can they decide who and when you marry.

Post # 9
Member
2313 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Your parents need to accept the fact that you are an adult. Not only are you an adult but you have been for five years and you are a college graduate with a job.

I would definitely recommend counselling for yourself AND your parents, maybe if you had separate and joint counselling you could all at least try and improve the situation. There is no excuse now for your parents behaviour.

If that doesn’t work or they refuse to do it then I would sadly say I think it is time for you to cut them out of your life. They are toxic and, as you said, they will never be ready nor happy with any man. Dont allow them to bring you down. 

 

ETA: just read the post above mine and I think she makes an excellent idea.

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  FromA2B2013.
Post # 10
Member
766 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

As previous posters have said, you are an adult.  Your parents only have as much say as you allow them.  Honestly?  Unless you were under the age of 18 at graduation, you should have said no thank you to the moving van and told your parents “sorry you wasted so much monay.  I’m not moving home.”  

Your boyfriend loves you so much he moved to California to be with you.  That is a pretty darn big step.  Clearly, he loves you a lot.  Neither you nor he need your parents’ permission to marry.  Move out.  If you aren’t ready to move in with him, get your own place.  

Post # 12
Member
2975 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

definitely move out. Your parents’ “save money” logic is flawed; if they really wanted you two to be able to afford a house, they would ask your boyfriend to move in. As it is, they are forcing him to spend twice as much as he needs, and putting a wedge in your relationship. It will cost no more money in rent and basic utilities if you move in with your boyfriend. 

 

 

Post # 13
Member
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I donno why you disagree, but in reading this being  “black sheepified” seems pretty damn sweet to me.

Post # 14
Member
41831 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

2muchfreetime:  How long are you going to wait if they withold their approval? 30? 35? 40?

Post # 15
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee

2muchfreetime:  

I was in a very very similar situation and I am only a year older than you. I come from two military parents and am the eldest. The restrictions and expectations put on me were to the point that when I got to college it led me down a very dark path of anxiety issues and depression, I just felt I could never please my parents who believed I could not live without them.

At 22 I finally realized breaking from them was going to be messy whether I wanted it to be or not. The best thing you can do is put your foot down and become your own woman. Get your own place whether with friends or move in with your SO. Seperate your expenses, at the time all my money was tied with my father. You are at the legal age that your money is your own. My dad at first only handed it over to prove I couldn’t do it but guess what I did it and I am almost completely on my own minus my dad still paying for my phone because he likes the family deal plan lol.

At first my parents were resentful but you know what when the began to see ‘hey she’s not dead and she can take care her-self’ they started to come around and our relationship is the healthies its been probably in decades. I could never feel close to them before because I felt blackmailed now there is nothing stopping us from just being a healthy parent-daughter relationship like we always needed. You just need to be brave and be ready to be your own person if you wait for them I am sorry to say it will never come.

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