When to end a relationship? Do you agree with this advice?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you agree with the advice given in the column?
    Yes. Wanting to leave someone is a red flag that it is time to go : (47 votes)
    26 %
    No. Just because you have thoughts of ending a relationship does not mean you should : (62 votes)
    34 %
    I have felt like leaving a partner. I left and I am glad I did : (32 votes)
    17 %
    I have felt like leaving a partner. I left and I regret it : (4 votes)
    2 %
    I feel like leaving my partner sometimes. It's just a normal, passing thought : (38 votes)
    21 %
  • Post # 3
    4483 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    If you leave at the first negative feeling, you won’t have any lasting relaionship. They take work, and, to be honest, a little pain and suffering

    Post # 4
    1361 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    If all those things are true, I can’t imagine you’d want to leave.

    ETA- sexual attraction is definitely something that fades a little with time. I don’t think many people can honestly say that they are still as hot and heavy with their SO’s as they were when they first started having sex. I mean, if you’re repulsed by the thought of sleeping with him, then that’s different, but if you’re just freaking out because you guys aren’t rabbits anymore then IMO that’s normal.

    Post # 5
    1952 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Good relationships take time and effort. You can’t bail on every relationship with the first negative feeling you have. I love FH more than anything in the world. Sure, there are times when I could throttle him, but overall he makes me the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. He satisfies every need I have, whether it be romantic, emotional, etc. Don’t go basing your feelings off an article you found on the internet. I hope you can work things out with your love.

    Post # 6
    1872 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I think it’s normal for sex lives and intense sexual attraction to go through different stages. My husband and I have certainly had “all the time” stages and “none of the time” stages and in between stages, just depending on what’s going on in our lives. But if you’re persistently thinking of leaving him and having doubts, THAT is a concern.

    Post # 7
    535 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    I agree with PP. I think it’s just a difficult time that is likely to happen sometime in a relationship. I would try and stick it out, but if you honestly could see your life going on without him more than with him … maybe then consider it on a more serious level. And of course open communication is key. Maybe talk to him and see if there is anything the two of you can do to try and improve the situation.

    Post # 8
    809 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I’ve only felt like leaving my SO when we fight, and that was before getting married. thoughts of leaving him never lasted more than a day though. it was not a constant thought at all. so if you’re thinking of leaving him constantly, then… there really might be an issue with your relationship.

    my friend left her doting, loving, best friend of a BF (of nearly 3 years) because something was just… not right. she just wanted to leave, really, there was no other serious reason. and now she’s dating another guy and she said she’s so relieved she didn’t continue with that relationship (and that one was her first everything)! I’m glad she had the courage to do what she needed to do.

    Post # 9
    2121 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2016

    @Lovemelovemyhorses:  If all those things are true, I can’t imagine you’d want to leave.


    @buttercupbride:  I don’t agree with the poem…but to answer your other question I would need to be sexually attracted to someone I decided to marry…I tried to date someone seriously that I was not physically attracted to but I couldn’t continue the relationship…

    Post # 10
    3394 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    @buttercupbride:  Sex and attractiveness are really not as important as most people think they are. BUT you have to be attracted to his mind, to his company. There has to be some spark. Everyone gets old, most stop having sex. Are you going to be happy just to be with him when you’re 80 years old? Are you compatible? Are you going to be forever thinking about “what if” you had left? You have to be satisfied, happy. NOT settling for what you have. If you really don’t feel 100% that he is your “one”, if you’re not over-all, big picture happy and satisfied with your life with him, then you will be doing both of you a disservice by marrying him. Because you’ll take away the chance for you both to be happy.

    Post # 11
    4395 posts
    Honey bee

    I voted yes, but it depends on what you want to leave over. I’d never marry someone I’m not sexually attracted to. But most other things, you can pretty much work on. It’s not always going to be perfect. 

    Post # 12
    442 posts
    Helper bee

    @buttercupbride:  To be perfectly honest, I’m not hugely sexually attracted to my boyfriend. I think he’s an attractive guy, and I love looking at his face, but it’s rare that I have that “craving” feeling. It’s caused me a lot of confusion recently because it was certainly different with my last (and first) boyfriend and I didn’t know if I was settling or not.

    I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m totally fine with it and that I am indeed not settling at all. I’m not unattracted to him – I would stare at him all day because he is so special to me. But if I didn’t know him and saw him on the street, I wouldn’t pay any attention to him. He’s not my usual type, and it took me a while in the beginning of our relationship to build up that attraction.

    I’ve done a lot of soul searching with this relationship, and honestly I won’t be surprised if I continue having doubting thoughts here or there. It’s normal. But my feelings for him are beyond anything I thought was possible. Honestly, opening up to him about my doubting feelings helped out a lot, and I love knowing that I don’t have to keep that to myself if I feel like I need to talk about it.

    If you are like us and the lower sexual attraction is made up for by other aspects, and you know you can be happy with him how things are now continuing forever, then I don’t think you have any problems. On the other hand, if you’ve been questioning this for years and are unsatisfied, then you need to have a serious talk. It can suck really bad to hear that your partner is questioning your relationship, but if he’s not aware of it then he can’t do anything to fix it. 

    Post # 13
    5812 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    @buttercupbride:  I think there is a sweet spot for attraction and sex drive when it comes to a successful long term relationship/marriage. I think having too much sexual attraction is dangerous. You cant think straight, all you do is have sex. It’s tought to build  something more from that. (and in my expereince the guys I have the hottest chemistry with are the guys who are the WORST for me relationship wise)

    But there is a sweet spot of being super attracted to them, but not so much you cant think straight. But I also think it is equally dangerous when you are just kinda attracted to them. They are cute, but they dont light your fire. That isnt good. Because life is long and you will see them in the most unflattering of ways (hello food poisoning!) and your bodies will change in the most unflattering of ways. Your sex drive will come and go, but there has to be an undercurrent of desire. 

    DH and I are in our early 40’s and we dont have sex like we did in our 20’s (with other partners). The hormones change and your frequency of desire diminishes. However, I am still crazy attracted to my DH. When we are in a large crowd I still think he is the cutest guy there. As he gets out of the shower and his little buddha belly is hanging out there, I just love him more and am still super attracted to him.

    That being said–you dont need a reason to leave. I think you are looking for a reason to leave to help justify your decision. But you dont need one. If something feels off to you, that is enough. Your intuison is telling you something–listen to it. “because wanting to leave is enough”

    Post # 14
    289 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    @buttercupbride:  I’ve seen this poem (is that even the right title or it?) a few places and I have mixed feelings about it. I feel like it’s saying ‘Dont stay if you are not attracted to your partner.’ Which, obviously. But attraction means different things to different couples and at different stages. I think anyone who has been in a relationship longer than a year knows you’re not attracted to your partner at 5 years in in exactly the same way you were 5 months in. All those other things — being best friends, being each other’s rocks, supporting each other through your family members’ illnesses, making compromises in your respective careers — those aren’t just things to sneeze at.

    I think it’s impossible that a couple can be together for decades and, at no moment in all those years, not fleetingly think about a different life than the one with your spouse. But marriage isn’t about leaving when things get hard. It’s about staying because your life is fundamentally tied to this other person. You stay, even if you’re having trouble communicating or one of you gains 20 pounds, or the new guy at your office is kind of cute. If the prospect of never being able to leave the relationship fills you with dread, then that’s a good sign you should probably go.

    As far as your other partners — have you been with any of them as long as you’ve been with your FI? Because I do think time and routine and familiarity might be part of the reason you don’t ‘crave’ each other. And this is why weekend getaways were created; this is why sex therapists exist. But if you really just flat out never want to be intimate with your FI, that is a real problem that only you know if you’re willing to work through.

    Post # 15
    4698 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    It’s normal to have anxieties, fears, and rocky times in a relationship. I think that if you can’t tolerate even a bit of that, you’ll have a hard time keeping a relationship going because you’ll be bolting at the first sign of trouble instead of sticking around and working through it. You just have to know what, personally for you, makes your relationship worth working and going through tough times for, and when it’s no longer a good emotional investment.

    Post # 16
    339 posts
    Helper bee

    There are plenty of happy relationships/marriages with little to no sex, the key is to marry someone with the same ideals as you. If one person wants sex and the other doesn’t, you are going to come to blows about it. 


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