When to have tough conversation with ILs? (Kinda Long)

posted 3 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 3
Member
2061 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Good for you, for standing up for what you and your husband want! FI & I are non-religious and I know we’re going to have a lot of scuffles with my family over how we raise our kids, too. While I think it would be best to wait til the baby is born-like you said, you may have a girl and this could be a non-issue, I know I would be too anxious and want to get the potential fight over with. I’d invite your in-laws over for dinner, and have your husband raise the topic. Just tell them, very matter of factly, what will happen if you have a boy. They can pout all they want, it’s your baby and they can’t really do anything about the fact you dont’ want this tradition. They’ll get over it!

Post # 4
Member
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@ExcitedScaredBee:  I agree with pp to wait and see what the baby is before bringing it up it would be awful to have the discussion and the hurt feelings and things to find out it was all for nothing. Congrats on the baby.

Post # 5
Member
547 posts
Busy bee

Honestly I wouldn’t discuss it with them at all, even after the baby comes. It is important to lay out the boundaries early. You don’t want to be discussing every decision you make about your child with them in the future. You don’t owe anyone justification for your choices. If its a boy and they bringi t up, your just say we aren’t doing that. Period, end of discussion and you change the subject. Rinse and repeat. This is coming from someone who had a bris and I don’t blame you one bit wanting to avoid the spectacle. 

Just keep reminding yourself that you are an adult and your choices are between you and your husband and no one is entitled to an explanation. It is easier said than done since we all tend to. Want to appease and keep thing calm, but it is empowering when you start to realize you don’t have to discuss everything and no is a full sentence. 

Post # 6
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I would say nothing. When the baby is born, do what you need to do and leave it at that and tell them you’re sorry, but you did what was right for you situation. This is your baby, not theirs. it is you and your husband’s decision.

Post # 7
Member
4372 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I would wait and see what the baby is, and proceed with the hospital circumcision as planned. When they mention a bris, just tell them that you decided as a new family that you didn’t want one and you had already gone ahead with the circ. If it’s a girl then you will have avoided the whole mess by not bringing it up in advance.  

Tradition or not, this is your son (possibly), which means it’s totally your decision.

We had a similar conversation with DH’s father regarding baptism. We are both Catholic, so we do plan to baptise our son but when I was pregnant my FIL was saying how his parents were disappointed that his sister didn’t baptise her kids because she was not a practicing Catholic and he thought she should baptise them anyway to make his parents (baby’s grandparents) happy. Boy did that not sit well with me. I told him I would never make a decision for my child that I didn’t believe in just to please the grandparents and it shut him right up. 

There is one sure fire way to make a momma bear mad and that is messing with her young or trying to sway a decision that affects them. Grandparents usually mean well but its not their place so stand your ground when the baby arrives and they will get over it. 

 

Post # 8
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Maybe I am playing devils advocate here but being Jewish I get where your in laws would be coming from.  My parents would be shocked and probably hurt too if this was my decision.  (I respect your right to make this decision no judgment there at all)  but I  don’t think  leaving it til after the baby is born is very fair.  I get it that this is what you want and that it is your child not theirs but a bri is a milestone that they probably never thought was optional and so I think it is only fair to prepare them.  No it might not be an issue you might have a girl but save everyone the trouble and let it be known not to expect a party.  Your mother in law will probably have a lot of questions from friends,  the same way you will.  I would let it be known that you are choosing a private circumcision or people might think there is something wrong with the baby.  Would you consider having your in laws at the hospital circumcision as a compromise? 

Post # 9
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think you should do whatever you want regardless of their feelings and you should tell them whenever you feel is right.  If they’re going ot be upset, there’s no good time to tell them.  I’d probably wait until after baby is born.  And I actually wouldn’t offer up the information until they asked.

 

My sister didn’t have a bris with her first son (circumsized in hospital) but they did have a naming ceremony at the house. Not sure if that is a compromise you’d be willing to have if it’s going to stir up tons of drama.  

 

Hopefully they don’t make a big deal about it so you can enjoy this special time!

 

Post # 10
Member
1449 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Commenting to say we are TTC and DH’s family are uber religious baptists so I know we will have to lay down the law. I don’t know how we will end up doing it so I have no short term advice. For long term, one book that keeps getting recommended to me is “Raising Freethinkers”. It might be something you’d be interested in and it might help you to raise a child with religious grandparents.

Post # 11
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@ExcitedScaredBee:  I would wait until after the baby is born because it may not even be an issue if you ahve a girl.  Also, it would cut down the lifetime of grief for not doing it by a few weeks.

Post # 13
Member
9220 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@DVsMom:  +1!!

Post # 15
Member
2627 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Is there some sort of compromise? 

Like you tell them now you wont do the bris, but if they would like to host a welcome home baby tea they are welcome to.

Post # 16
Member
11300 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@WhatMaeBee:  Good for you, for standing up for what you and your husband want! FI & I are non-religious and I know we’re going to have a lot of scuffles with my family over how we raise our kids, too.

This! FI and I are Agnostic/Atheist and we will absolutely not be baptizing our children, taking them to church, etc. etc. I fully expect to hear comments about that from family, but refuse to bow down to make someone else happy.

@MrsWBS:   If they’re going ot be upset, there’s no good time to tell them.  I’d probably wait until after baby is born.  And I actually wouldn’t offer up the information until they asked.

And this. If you know that they’ll be upset, keep your mouths shut until they bring it up. Then simply respond that you will not be having a bris. Done. 

I do agree that maybe you could compromise and let them throw a “welcome baby” party instead?

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