(Closed) When to let a friend go (long)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4606 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

It’s always difficult when you reach a point where you know it’s for the best if you remove someone from your life.

I remained friends with an ex boyfriend (we dated when I was like 14 and only for a few months) because we were both young, our relationship wasn’t that serious, we’d both dated other people so forth and so on. I imagined that he would have completely moved on and was comfortable with our relationship where it stood.

6 years had passed. I wasn’t engaged either at the time, but felt that it would happen eventually. After not speaking to this other guy for several months while he moved out of state for work and so forth. I got on Facebook to find this message with him telling me that he could never forget about me and that he felt that we were soulmates. He said he moved across the country so he could get away from me because it hurt him to see me with another man. Now, mind you, I had not really been close to this guy. I ran into him at the store a few times when I was visiting my parents or he’d drop me a message on Facebook every now and then asking me how I was, so we didn’t have any kind of really strong friendship over the last few years like you did.

But, I realized that I couldn’t really be friends with someone who was in love with me. He honestly became obsessive. Messaging me every day, texting me etc.

You have to learn to cut your losses and take care of what you already have.

Post # 4
Member
769 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

gosh, that’s really hard, but ultimately, i think you’re doing the right thing. as hard as it is for you to not express your care (not love) for John, i think that you would do a disservice to all parties involved to reach out now. it seems that any contact you make is a sign that you’re interested and that’s certainly not the care. i think for the time being, you need to silently send your prayers and well wishes and take several steps back from the relationship, not only to not create a rift between you and FI, but to keep John’s from getting the wrong impression.

Post # 5
Member
3640 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’m sorry that this has happened. ๐Ÿ™ Although you must be a wonderful women to have two good men who like you so much! I think it would be best for both of you if you do distance yourself. Hopefully John can move on and find someone himself. I understand wanting to wish him well in surgery etc but in the end, you might end up casing more pain than if you don’t say anything at all.

 

As for him telling you how he felt/feels, it’s uncomfortable, but he probably figured that if he didn’t take the chance then he would never know. He didn’t want to live with the regret. What if you weren’t really happy and actually did still want to be with him? It could have been an even sadder story that way.

*hugs* Just stay strong and cut ties. It’s for the best. 

 

Post # 6
Member
921 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

oo i know what your going through. i dated a guy a while back and i really did love him then he turned kinda crazy (i think it was the age gap thing) and i left, shsortly after i moved away but we still kept in touch. every time i went home to see my family he would come over and we’d go get dinner and hang out and sometimes other thing…well eventually i met FI and fell in love. i came home to see my mom and fi couldnt travel because of work. fi knew i would be going to hang out with said person and i did. while we were hanging out he wanted to show me a house he had just bought to rent and it was HUGE. it started getting dark and we took off to take me to my mom. half way there he pulled over and started getting all feely and i got mad at him and demanded he take me home. i lost all respect for him that  night.  he has ocassionally called me to see how im doing and he was hurt when i told him i was engaged. he keeps making up girlfriends to make me jealous. the last one he told me was perfect for him, shes all these things blah blah blah to make me jealous and i 9being the adult) said im happy for him and he was in shock. i havent talked to him since then but he keeps calling or texting every so often.

Post # 7
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@vabride2011: Wow, I’m sorry you’re going through this. That must be very difficult and painful to manage yourself in the situation, trying to be respectful of FI while remaining friends with John. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that you do care about John a great deal but that your “#1 priority now is my FI, our marriage and the family we’re about to start.” Have you tried making this clear to John? I understand his surgery and the passing of his father may have made the timing of such a finite conversation that much harder, but perhaps you can try after he’s recovered from surgery. If John wishes to remain friends with you, he will need to pull way back and move on with his feelings…no more googly eyes of longing, thank you very much! No more “hey babe” texts. These are the terms of the friendship and your boundaries. He needs to respect you and your FI and if he cannot, sad though it would be, you are prepared to move on for the sake of your future and marriage.

Post # 8
Bee
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

I think FI may have to come to terms with the fact that your friend loves you and may always love you. That doesn’t mean that you can’t be there for him in at least some way, if not just as a courtesy. I know that my ex likely still has feelings for me many years after I left him, and I will always love him in a way that is completely different from how I love Mr. CP. Your FI shouldn’t have to be threatened… perhaps he can be complimented. After all, that John loves you is a credit to how great you are, right?

You can always tell John that you appreciate how he came clean to you, but you need him to be respectful of your life decisions. This may or may not work. But if you do care for him (not in an “I love you” way) it’s definitely worth a try.

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