Post # 1
So within my hubby’s group of friends, the majority of couples have a baby. There is one wife who is constantly hounding people about when they will have a baby. Currently, we are one of the few couples without one or one on the way. I am pretty open talking about our reasons for waiting right now with others, but for some reason this wife is driving me (and many others) insane. I don’t want to talk about it to her because of her approach to asking. It is SO RUDE. How does she know we aren’t having fertility problems, or that the others aren’t? Or that we have reasons for waiting that make sense to us and it’s not her business to push? She is so pushy about it and always making comments, not just questions… for example, “Your new carpet is just in time for a baby” etc. I’ve spoken to other wives about it and we’re all frustrated, even the ones with babies. I’m thinking I might say something, but I don’t want to start a war. I really think she has good intentions but it is getting ridiculous.
Have you confronted someone like this before? If so, how did it go? Any advice? Should I just shrug it off instead of saying something?
Post # 3
If you’re comfortable saying this to her, you could try saying that you and your DH don’t discuss reproductive plans anymore with others and you would appreciate it if she would drop the subject. I mean I know it’s kind of snarky, but if she won’t stop then you might have to ask her to.
Post # 4
The next time she asks when you’re going to have a baby, try one of these responses, lol:
“Well, we’re waiting to see how yours turn out before we decide.”
“As soon as they’re worth more on the black market.”
“As soon as I figure out how” — maybe add, “Any tips, suggestions, or favorite positions?”
“When they come with a guarantee.”
Post # 5
You could always say it like, Have you thought about the way you make baby comments? Some couples might be struggling with conceiving or not wanting to discuss the issue publically. You might want to think about toning back the comments because they could be causing someone pain.
Post # 6
Does she have a baby or one on the way? If so she’s probably just excited and wants to have other moms around her.
I think I’d just say something like, “We’ll let you know when we figure that out, but until then just assume we’re not trying”.
Post # 7
In line with what moderndaisy and caszos have suggested, if you want to give her a more serious response (than the silly ones I suggested above, lol) here is something that will maybe make her THINK about how rude she’s being, and perhaps she’ll stop:
There are thousands of couples, desperate to have a child, who struggle with infertility, mostly in silence. Every time they see smiling mommies at the playground, or go to a baby shower, it’s a traumatic experience — reminding them of the joy that they can’t have. I’m not going to tell you whether we’re one of those couples or not, because it’s not your business. I’m just going to tell you how hurtful your well-intentioned question is to someone who is. Please don’t ask me, or anyone else, again.
Post # 8
I realize that it’s probably better to use one of the mature and tactful responses suggested here, but I would REALLY love to hear her response to “As soon as they’re worth more on the black market.”
Post # 9
@Monkeygirl: Very well said.
I would go with the serious route over the sarcastic. If you’re sarcastic with you, you’re guaranteed to start a war. But, pulling her aside and saying something to the effect that Monkeygirl outlined would be a very classy way to handle the situation.
Post # 10
Thanks for the ideas/responses, ladies. My husband and I are discussing if I should say anything, mostly out of our own aggravation but also for the other people she could genuinely be causing pain for by asking. We do have some friends that may well have been trying or had miscarriages, and I think everyone in our group is starting to get upset that she has the audacity to disregard anyone’s potential sensitivity to the issue. Yes, she does have a baby, but she has been like this for years. It’s only getting more annoying to me because of her frequency of comments, and the fact that we really do want to be TTC’ing right now but are waiting awhile longer for various reasons.
@Monkeygirl, that (second) response may very well work. Thank you. I may email her and say something to that effect. I am generally a pretty soft-spoken, not-rock-the-boat kinda girl, so while I love some of the salty comments suggested, I don’t really want to start a war. But I think someone needs to say something.
Post # 11
I think I would want to know if I was making a friend feel bad or uncomfortable, so I agree with the previous posts on here. I know that I asked FIs sister one time about when her and her husband were going to start having kids and they responded “oh a couple more trips to Cancun first”.We all just sort of chuckled and moved on. I later found out when they announced their pregnancy recently, they had been TTC for a year. I do not feel bad for asking, but I can not imagine what it would have been like if someone was nagging them constantly about it! In this case, the comedic response worked, but I agree a serious mention would probably be more suited for this situation if she is constantly bringing it up.
Post # 12
@monalisa670: You should say, “We don’t want to be tied down by a little brat right now so we are going to enjoy being 2 right now. ” and then smile and walk away.
Now, in no way do I mean it. I have a a little darling of my own, but people asking me when I’m going to have another one is annoying. People act like kids are the “it” thing right now like a designer bag. Ugh
Post # 13
You shouldn’t be starting a war by asking her to politely back-off with the baby comments, and if it does start a war is she really someone you want as a friend?! Hope it all works out and she drops the baby comments!
Post # 14
I think its really thoughtless of her to hound you like that. I do know a couple that has been having fertility problems and the wife hates sociliases with certain couples because they always ask her what she is waiting for and try to campaign for her to have a baby right away and I feel like screaming SHUT THE HECK UP!! I would say to her ” i didnt realize i had to share my baby plans with you. When I am ready to share I will let you know, but until then can you please stop asking cos its really none of your business”
Post # 15
I would be clear with her when you’re asking that either you personally aren’t having fertility problems or that you DEFINITELY don’t want to discuss it – i say this because my sister had an almost identical situation to yours (with a friend always enquiring when’s the baby coming), and she was having serious issues conceiving. she took the friend aside and had a serious conversation with her where she said something to the effect of “we’re been struggling for 6 months and would really appreciate if you’d relent with the constant baby questions”…well, its like it only spurred her on. THe “friend” then started sending links to fertility doctors in the area, buying her chinese herbs which are meant to boost fertility, even enquiring about what kind of underwear her husband wore! It was worse than it had been before. so, i suppose just be careful with what you say and how you say it because with friends like that its easy to open new cans of worms.
Post # 16
My favorite answer to this rude question is the same for all rude questions. Politely and sweetly, I’d ask:
“Why do you want to know?”
Most people have no idea how to respond, and tend to get the hint after that.
I think anyone who asks this question is incredibly rude, inconsiderate, and ignorant to the plight of those of us who either can’t or choose not to have kids.