When to tell In-Laws

posted 2 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 2
Member
7195 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

LLEU:  Have you told your parents?

I think in most situations (and yours doesn’t sound that unusual) you should tell the parents at roughly the same time. I think you should tell them soon. Many women are showing by around 16 weeks so I don’t think you should wait as long as that. (But you may want to get her to not tell extended family – there’s nothing wrong with them not knowing until 20 weeks or more).

so long as you don’t announce it on the wedding day, you won’t be stealing anyone’s thunder. So don’t let that be a factor.

Post # 3
Member
7397 posts
Busy Beekeeper

LLEU:  You should tell them the same time that you tell your parents. I think otherwise it is very unfair and makes it clear that YOU have a problem with them.

Post # 6
Member
2839 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

When does your husband want to tell her?

Post # 7
Member
627 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

LLEU:  Sorry you’re in this situation.  There’s kind of two ways to look at this. If you hold off on telling your MIL until say, 20 weeks, will she be ‘hurt’ that you waited that long? Could that put any tension in your relationship?  I have MIL issues and I wanted to wait as long as possible before telling MIL. She was the last family member that we told.  If you can hide it that long ( I would guess you would be noticably pregnant before 20 weeks?) then if your husband is OK with it then go for it. Otherwise just bite the bullet and tell her sooner. If your MIL has a tendency to overstep boundaries, then my only suggestion is know what you want and stick with that. Just be polite but firm in a way that she understands it’s not a negotiation. Just as an example, when I was pregnant with B, my MIL said she as going to be in the delivery room ( uh, not a chance in hell haha ) and how she was going to be over all the time after ( uh, not happening. )  My husband and I were extremely firm in what we wanted and didn’t waver or give any false hope and all went well.  Are you due in Feb? You should come over to the Feb board if you are!

Post # 9
Member
627 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

LLEU:  at least your on the same page! That completely helps. Do you see them often? Will it be easy to hide from them? I’d just wait and tell them when you feel ready to tell them. Enjoy the secret while you can 🙂

Post # 10
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

My sister in law got so much heat from her parents as to when she’d be getting engaged, that her parents found out last, and over a week later. Let that be a lesson to people! Same as you feel now, they hounded you, made you feel uncomfortable, etc. I’d wait as long as possible, and tell them last but that’s just how I am 🙂

Post # 11
Member
1237 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014 - Kentucky Center for the Performing Arts

We told our moms after our first ultrasound…we had the first one at 6wks 4 days, I originally thought I was more like 8 weeks. I would have preferred to wait until second trimester (safety zone period). But 7 years ago I did that with my first child. I didn’t tell my parents I was pregnant with my first child (out of fear b/c I was unmarried) until I was almost 5 months and my parents were livid.

Post # 12
Member
3119 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

This is really tough! I think you should just tell them sooner rather than later and get it over with, as long as you feel reasonably comfortable that you have a viable pregnancy (maybe talk to your doctor about his/her confidence level and statistics?). But more importantly, begin practicing setting boundaries now. You may find that it’s easier with an actual child in the picture – that your mama bear instincts rise up, versus when it’s just you and your husband and you are trying to set boundaries for you as a couple. And boundaries will be so critical when the baby is here. 

I told my in-laws at 6 weeks, only because it was Christmas and part of their “present,” but waited to tell my own mother until closer to 13 because of similar reasons to you. I still feel a little guilty for the lack of fairness but I can’t imagine having told my mom when things were so early – she’s the last person I would want “comforting” me if something were to have gone bad. 

Post # 13
Member
856 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

j_jaye:  I don’t agree with this. I suppose it depends on your relationship with your parents though. My mom and I are SO close. I told her the day after I tested positive w my first (5 weeks?) we didn’t tell the ils until 14/15 weeks. There’s no way I could have kept that from my mom and we talk 100 times a week. I wasn’t comfortable telling the ils so early (although they are lovely and wonderful people) I think it’s ok as the one who is pregnant to talk to your mom ab it before telling anyone else. I didn’t key her tell my dad right away though, he’s the blabber mouth in the family! The night I told my parents the sex of the baby I had 6 emails the next morning from relatives congratulating us on our girl bc my dad got on the phone immediately. 😉 

good luck OP, tell her when you’re comfortable. I would also try to start setting boundaries ASAP! You don’t want mil overstepping once the baby so actually arrives, congrats!

Post # 14
Member
209 posts
Helper bee

We told in laws first because his live local and mine are 300 miles away. Phil told his parents (I chickened out), and I phoned my folks up and told them or we;d of had to wait another 2 months until we saw them and I was alrady showing. We didnt know how far gone we were as we were still awaiting for our scan date. We thought abour 5 weeks but turned out we were ten, I showed almost instantly. Also we saw his parents twice a week and I couldnt bare the idea of sitting on a secret like that. 

It all depends on you relationship with the in laws. How about if you told people you were on antibiotics and therfore could not drink etc … and they made you feel off/tired? Are you showing already? x

Post # 15
Member
810 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I personally would tell them now. MIL will probably have her feelings hurt if you wait that long to tell them. You won’t be stealing anyone’s thunder as long as you don’t announce the day of a shower or wedding day. Set your boundaries NOW. You said you regret not doing it early on while TTC. Now what boundaries you want, and when you announce the happy news, lay out the rules then and there. I started showing around 13 weeks. It could have passed for a large dinner, but there’s NO way I could have waited until 20 weeks to tell people. Tell them now and get your rules laid out. Have your husband be the one to be stern with them. He should deal with negative things with his parents, and you with yours IMO. Congrats!!

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