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Tough situation, and maybe this comes across in a very insensitive way, but birthdays happen every year and weddings and showers often only happen once a lifetime (well in your case you will have 2 showers, so twice).
Will the timings definitely overlap? Can you make it to the bday party late or leave early? How old will her son be? Are you even that close to the son/will he notice your absence?
I understand she is upset, but she is clearly overreacting.
I agree, she overreacted. Especially as it sounds like she gave you a couple of dates back in November, but hadn't updated you as to which date it was going to be. I guess you could have checked with her first, but if only one date worked for your FMIL that would have been a waste of time anyway. Possibly you will be able to do both - children's birthdays where I'm from generally only last a couple of hours and if it was in the morning and the shower in the afternoon and they were located near each other, that would work. But yes she overreacted and I'd be feeling attacked and sad about it too. Sorry :(
I can see both sides. From her standpoint, she gave to tons of heads up on the date. And from her standpoint there may be no need to have two showers. You're basically "calling" the month of May. Plus your FMIL DID have a choice to throw the shower in April, she CHOSE not to. So I understand why she got upset, it seems like you basically took up the entire month of May, and all she asked for was one day to celebrate her life too. Try not to be too hard on her, she doesn't sound like an unreasonable person, she just sounds like she was frustrated.
Thanks for all the comments they are very helpful.
@MightySapphire - just to clarify one thing. The bridesmaids are not invited to this 2nd shower. So, I'm not asking her to not have the party, I just may not be able to make it depending on timing. The rest of our family will be attending her son's party. She hasn't decided yet when everyone is coming over, so if it is in the morning or will extend past 4pm, I plan on going. But I totally see the point that I'm "calling the month of May". I was feeling a little icky about it, but then thought that the only people that are going to both showers are the sisters and moms, so I didn't think that was the worst thing.
Why can't you have your shower the same day as her kid's birthday party and then go to both? Showers are usually a couple of hours and kids birthday parties are a couple of hours too. Surely you can do one in the morning and one in the afternoon.
I'm going to a bachelorette party for a friend a couple of hours after one of my showers is over with.
Any reason not to have the shower in April?
@GirlWithARing - my future MIL doesn't want to have her shower before my mother has her's. I don't know why, but she seems to feel strongly about it.
I knew I was going to regret having a different shower for each side of the family. My mom only wanted to invite my fiance's mom, grandmother and sisters to the shower. When my future MIL found that out she decided to host a shower with all my fiance's aunts. So we ended up with 2 showers. It's not ideal, but should I have said, don't throw us a shower or demanded that we pick a date that the host of the shower doesn't want because of a 3 year old's birthday party for my side of the family?
@aebeling - That makes sense. I don't think you should have said no to the shower. The best you could have done for your friend is try to make sure the shower is before or after the party, and be really nice and apologetic to her. If she still freaked out about it, I don't think it's your fault at all. Honestly, if he's 3 years old, he's not going to miss you being there!
Thank you. I do see her side, I mean she did tell me the date ages ago. I guess I'm feeling guilty about having a conflict with her son's birthday party.
Thank you all for the opinions and support.
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My wedding is in June, so all the pre-wedding festivities (showers, bachelorette party, etc are in May). My mom is throwing us a shower on May 2nd, my bachelorette party is on May 15th. My future MIL wanted to throw us a shower as well. She didn't want to have it before my mom's shower and she wanted it to be in May. That left the 8th, (9th was out because of Mother's Day), the 22nd & 23rd. (The following weekend was out because of memorial day).
A friend/family member (friend married my cousin, who is also a bridesmaid) of mine gave me dates for her son's birthday party in November for either May 8th or May 22nd.
The only date out of the 3 available that worked for my future MIL was May 8th. There was her granddaughter's birthday party on the 23rd and an Uncle's 50th birthday on the 22nd. So, I told my future MIL the 8th would be fine, thinking that if the birthday party date was the 8th my friend would understand the dillema and be ok with me missing her son's birthday party.
Boy was I wrong. When I told her I couldn't make it because my future MIL was throwing a shower she was so angry. She yelled at my fiance saying she was going to have words with his mother when she saw her next. She said that I obviously don't care about her family enough to make it to the party. I said some not so nice things back to her because I just felt attacked and was hurt that she didn't understand that it wasn't that I didn't want to be there for the party (I really do), but that there weren't other options available for my future MIL.
In the end we ironed it out (I hope), but I am still struggling a little with why she got so upset. Am I totally off base here? Should I have told my future MIL that she can't throw us a shower because there are no dates that work? I just need third party - unbiased opinions on this.