Post # 15
I would bring up marriage/kids after you’ve been dating for about a year. If he brings it up before then then continue to have convos about it and see where he stands. Def don’t live with him without being engaged or married, so many women move in with a guy and then 5 years down the road they are wondering when the guy is going to propose. Women tend to see living together as a step towards marriage, men tend to view it as a way to share expenses and get regular sex and companionship.
Post # 16
rachel351 : Fi was 26 and I was 29 when we started dating. We talked about it less than 3 months in. Say you bring it up after a year and you flat out disagree? Then you were with someone you don’t have a future with for an entire year!
Post # 17
This is still a very new relationship. You also are making assumptions about your boyfriend because he loves his niece and nephew — I love my niece to pieces and would move mountains for her, AND I’m a teacher, and I feel very “meh” toward having kids of my own. People tell me all the time that I would be a great mom and honestly I’m still not sold on the idea. We would probably adopt if we had kids.
That being said, please throw your timeline and expectation of when to have kids out the window. You actually have a lot of time. Just because your aunt had trouble doesn’t mean you will. Plus, you’re 26! That is young, I promise. Enjoy the time you have right now with your boyfriend. Enjoy the relationship.
Lots of people keep on waiting and wishing for the next thing…engagement, marriage, kids…and then pretty soon they realize that they wished their life away. That is why I am recommending that you enjoy what you have now. Don’t push him into decisions on marriage and kids until that comes up in your relationship because you are only 7 months in. I would say if things are still going strong at the year mark, that is a natural time to decide where things are leading in the relationship. That tends to be a “make or break” point in any relationship.
Post # 18
I don’t suggest broaching this topic until you are taking about moving in together. I tend to think of this as something men should bring up because they shy away from it more. I always found it hard to bring up.
With my FI hes older And was ready to move forward in his life with marriage etc. He’s never been afraid to talk about it with me and we discussed moving in together after 3 months. We moved in together after 9 months. Everyone has their own timeline/ time table and no relationship can be compared to any other but if your man doesn’t want to talk about it don’t push the issue. On the other hand you need to know when enough is enough for you.
Post # 19
These are topics (marriage/ children/ no children) that I think are entirely appropriate to have 7 months into a relationship.
I find it strange that people would censor their topics and the things that are on their minds with their current partners. Yeah, sure, it isn’t something to bring up on the first date, but these things are absolute deal breakers, so why wait until there is a year invested before raising the issue?
All to often people skirt around their wants and needs. I don’t understand why adults do this.
Post # 20
You need to have a serious conversation with him. Make it clear that you have a vision of where you want your life to go and let him think about it. This is serious. You haven’t been together long but maybe he never thought about the future yet.. But he needs to now.
My fiance’s cousin got married. Her husband had always said he didn’t want kids and she knew she wanted to be a mother. They both thought the other would cave eventually. Well, they didn’t and 14 months later they filed for divorce (their wedding wasn’t even paid off yet)!
Don’t let your heart take control…
Post # 21
I am going to disagree with a lot of PP’s and I say bring it up now now NOW! I don’t remember exactly when this topic was first brought up with my FI, but I am pretty certain it was immediately after we started officially dating. I couldn’t wait another day if I was in your situation, if he really doesn’t want marriage and children, and this is a deal-breaker for you, I wouldn’t want to waste one more minute of your time with someone who isn’t on the same page as you.
But hopefully he will want the same things and all will be well 🙂
Post # 22
whoami : Totally agree. A year (???) is WAY too long. I don’t understand this fear of scaring him away by talking about this stuff. Sure, there was a little idea in the back of my mind about it but I thought, you know what, if this is going to scare him away he’s not the right guy for me anyway.
Granted, you do have to be considerate in how you word it. I wouldn’t necessarily say, a month into the relationship, “I want to marry YOU in x number of years”, just a general, hey, I want to make sure we’re on the same page that we’re both looking for a relationship that would eventually lead to marriage/an engagement within a certain number of years. Not saying you have to commit to each other immediately. You’re young enough so it’s not like you’re THAT close to running out of time for kids, but I know I’d be pretty upset to have spent a year with someone who had a completely different idea of the future as I did, and just saw it as a more casual thing or whatever. If you’re going to be married to him it couldn’t hurt to start laying the groundwork for open honest communication now.
Post # 24
SO and I started doing the “casual remark made in the middle of a long story (so no pressure for the other to directly respond if they don’t want to)” thing in the first month. I’m older than him, and I knew I wanted marriage and kids, and didn’t want to waste time with a man 4 years younger than me if he still didn’t feel ready for the next step in life.
He was only 27 at the time, but he always chose to respond directly to my casual statements, and always made sure to let me know that he did feel ready for marriage and definitely wanted kids. If he had been wishy washy in any way, we definitely would have had a real conversation on the topic within the first 3 months, as I didn’t like the idea of fallnig in love with someone if we were on the same page regarding wants and general timelines.
As it was, we started having concrete discussions about when and how (marriage AND kids) around the 6 month mark, then moved in together with a firm enagement timeline at 7-8 months.
I get what you’re saying about them putting pressure on themselves, though. SO assumed that because I’m 4 years older than him, I would want babies RIGHT AWAY, and that I’d start pressuring him. We talked that out and I explained that while I want kids at some point, I am definitely not in a rush and feel no urges. Now that we are getting closer to being engaged, HE is the one who keeps bringing up babies and kids and I have a feeling HE will be the one pushing for us to try sooner rather than later!
The thing you, you reall yhave no idea what’s going on in his mind (nor he yours) until you guys sit down and have an adult conversation about this. It is NOT too soon. Be your own advocate.
Post # 25
He probably wants kids at some point, but not right now. He is looking to spend his life with you, he’s just not ready to get married right now. I’m not seeing how his behaviour is so contradictory. By all means make sure you’re on the same page, but just talk about it as I think you’re trying to read too much into everything. Like, his comment about wanting to go back to the sport place was probably not some big gesture of independence, he probably just likes the sport place…
Post # 26
Thanks for all your responses! I know that I have lots of time, but I don’t want to get too invested and start giving up the things that I truly want because of that.
We had a wonderful day together yesterday and he brought these topics up again! This time he started talking about babies, so I jokingly said ‘Why are you talking about babies, I thought you didn’t like them ‘. He said ‘It’s not that…it’s just they are so reliant on you so that you are basically giving your life over to another person.’ Then he asked me how long I thought it would be before you could go and do something social after a birth! Later, he were talking about embarrassing childhood photos my mum is hoarding and he said ‘Your mum will unleash those at your wedding.’
It seems to me like he is the one that has these topics on the brain? I think raising the issue properly after about a year/around the time we talk about moving in together will be right for me. At the moment we are having a wonderful time together so I’ll let things continue to unfold naturally for a little bit longer.