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I'm sorry AE. This guy seems like a total jerk. Could you talk to your FI about this? How can he be friends with someone like that, doesn't it bother your FI?
That sounds so stressful for you! My FH isn't very tolerant of a$$holes, we have similar taste in friends so I have no problems with any of his mates. Why is your FH friends with this person, and why are you having someone stand up in your wedding who doesn't even believe in weddings? What has your FH said about it? I'm thinking you can't "un-ask" him to be in the bridal party (unless he actually does/says something that makes it easy to boot him out?) but maybe he needs a good talking to...
:( I know you've said earlier, but I can't remember (I'm sorry :( ), but what was your FI's reaction when you talked to him about Vince's involvement in the wedding?
Ugh! I know how you feel. My FI was the best man at his former friend's wedding. This former friend has no boundaries and was abusive with his own wife, other women and made racist remarks, all in public. After a while, I couldn't stand spending time with this guy. I felt awful for his (submissive) wife, other women and minorities that he targeted. He only laughed when I would tell him that his remarks and behavior were inappropriate and offensive. My FI felt the same way about hs behavior (after being the butt of racist jokes for years) and finally he decided that this jerk would not only not be a part of the wedding party, but he would not be invited to our wedding. It wasn't pretty and this guy didn't take it well (both he and his wife attacked and blamed me), but at least we don't have to share our big day with him nor spend anymore time with him in the future. I was just to relieved to have him out of our lives that I could care less what they think of me!
It took my FI about one year to finally see for himself that this guy was a class A scumbag. It helped that our other friends felt the same way about this guy and they helped my FI to see the light. Keep talking to your FI about how you feel. You don't need an unsupportive, anti-marriage ass at your wedding!
Well the situation with Vince is that he is my fiance's cousin's husband. My fiance became friends with him when he was just the cousin's boyfriend. Their relationship was already rocky to begin with, but my fiance found that he had a lot in common with Vince -- they're both engineers and are into the same sports and video games. Anyway, when my fiance's cousin got pregnant Vince freaked out because he didn't want to be a father. He wanted the girl to have an abortion, but she refused, and they broke up. But then, the girl's parents spoke with Vince's parents and they all forced Vince to "do the right thing" and marry this girl. Vince used to be OK. My fiance and I would actually hang out with him. He used to be a funny guy with a great sense of humor. Since his forced marriage and having to be a father, he has been quite bitter and miserable and he's been attacking everyone who decides to get married ever since.
He actually said stuff to us like "marriage is for suckers", "there's a 50 percent divorce rate", "you guys are wasting your money on this wedding"... he even said this after he accepted the honor of being in our wedding party... he is a total a$$hole!!! I spoke to my fiance about this and he said to just give Vince a break, that he's suffering right now because he hates his life and we should just be understanding and be the bigger people and just brush off his rude remarks. I have no problem tolerating him being around my social circle. But I have a problem with him being part of the wedding, especially since he refuses to do any groomsman duties. We also mentioned to him that we'll be doing an Anniversary Dance at the wedding where all married couples have to dance on the dance floor, and he said he refuses to participate. I just.. don't want this guy to stand up with us. But this topic has caused many arguments between me and my fiance, so I feel like I have no choice. But still, I just want him out.
That is a complicated situation. I can totally understand why you don't want Vince to take part in your big day. He will cast negativity over everything. I also see why your FI wants to give him a break since Vince let himself be forced into doing something and is struggling with the consequences of going against his own wishes.
But at the same time, if Vince doesn't really want to be there (it sounds like he doesn't because he has refused to take part in the celebratory events like the married couples dance and fulfill his groomsman duties) he shouldn't be there. It will just drag everyone down, most of all you and your FI on the happiest day of your lives. It's a tricky situation, but in the end, Vince thinks everyone will be just as miserable married as he is - which isn't true.
Have you asked Vince directly if he sincerely wants to be a part of the wedding party (not just out of obligation to your FI) and if he can be a part of the planning process and the big day without making negative remarks? If your FI tells him directly that attitudes and remarks like that won't be tolerated, will he accept that and change his behavior? If Vince agrees to this and slips back into old behavior, he should told that he can't be a part of the wedding party or attend the wedding and reception. Maybe I am taking a really hard line, but Vince has no right to behave as he has been doing even if he has a good reason for being so miserable. No one has a right to take out their misery on other people, even if they're close friends.
Just one question - how do you think Vince's wife would react if she and Vince were un-invited? Will she affect your deicision with regard to Vince?
Yes! My bf has one friend that is such and A$$ to me!!! I cant figure out what his deal is but he is literally rude to my face. He is smart though because he isnt mean to me in front of my BF, so I always come of sounding like I dont like his friend for no particular reason. My boyfriend believes me though and if we are going somewhere to hang out and he knows he will be there, he gives me a heads up.
I have no idea if my BF has any intention on him being in our wedding but I really hope he doesnt. I cant imagine seeing him up there on the most important day of our lives. Sigh....
I feel your pain!
Yup! And my hubs ended up losing his whole side of the wedding party because his friends were such immature jerks. It was waaaaay better off in the end.
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This is a continuation of an earlier post I made. I can't stand one of our groomsmen, I've nicknamed him "Vince." Vince is obnoxious, condescending, negative, and just an a$$hole overall. He hates his life, badmouths his own wife on a regular basis. He doesn't believe in marriage, yet he is married because he was coerced into it after an accidental pregnancy. He also is scornful towards all couples who are engaged to be married. AND... he is one of my fiance's closest friends as well as one of our groomsmen. I've tried to be civil with Vince for my fiance's sake, but his behavior and cockiness is getting worse. Today he had the nerve to insult our apartment. He said something like "We shouldn't have the Christmas gathering in your apartment because it's a shoebox." This is coming from someone who is renting a dump - basically someone's basement. It kills me that this jerk will be standing up with us on our most important day. I feel like a hypocrite for tolerating him and allowing him to be in our party when I hate his guts. Anyone else despise any of their fiance's friends? Or had someone in your wedding party that you can't stand??