When your ex gets engaged before you

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
841 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I understand what you’re saying. An easy way to get around it is for you and your FF to make a point to say he had it planned for months when people ask about the proposal story. Yeah it sucks that the timing was the absolute worst, but don’t put off your happiness just because your ex got engaged.


Post # 4
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t see why this matters at all, nor do I think you should have to justify it by saying your SO had it planned for months. It’s really no one’s business. You can’t control what other people do with their life, nor should you be controlled by what they do.

Post # 5
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

You are thinking too much ….why would you even care about your ex and what he or other people might think…


Post # 6
6407 posts
Bee Keeper

My most serious ex (we had been planning to marry) and his wife got married and pregnant WAY young…early 20s, in fact before I even met FI, and FI and I were together 5 years before we decided to get engaged now (I’m in my early 30s). Ex now has 2 kids and the first one is pretty big…

It didn’t bother me, aside from the fact that I suspect that they got married BECAUSE she got pregnant, which is sad for both of them. I know their relationship was not strong (I stopped meeting up with my ex the moment he proposed cheating on her or dumping her for me, and told me he did not love her… and they married shortly after that).

My relationship is better than I could have ever dreamed a real human romantic relationship would be. It’s in no way a race to get to the alter first. I may have taken ten years longer, but every minute of those ten years was worth it to have the relationship I have.

As I mentioned, this ex wanted to marry me, and told me so ever since we were 16. I certainly could have been a young bride. I always knew I never wanted to get divorced, so I was very careful not to get married without being totally sure of the relationship. We broke up in our 20s because I realized he wasn’t the one for me… then he slid quickly into meeting this next woman and then proposing to cheat on her or replace her with me. Did I dodge a bullet by not marrying my first love, or what?! See what kind of husband that would have been? Heartbreak and divorce guaranteed.

Two other men wanted to marry me before I finally met FI. They were good men, but also not quite right for me. Glad I didn’t feel that my ex was winning some kind of relationship race by being a married father while I was single, and that such feelings didn’t push me to accept either of them as a fiance/husband.

A good relationship takes the time that it takes. Even when I met FI, I wasn’t sure he was the right one right away. It took about 4 years for us to know this about each other and start really thinking about getting engaged, and another year to actually do it. In those 5 years together, he proved himself to me over and over, building up my trust and faith in him. I trust him like he is myself. I love him more than myself. I couldn’t, and shouldn’t, have felt this way before knowing him this well (imagine I had trusted too easily and felt like this toward my first love, my ex with 2 kids).

Arbitrary timelines for important things like this will mess things up. Don’t allow them into your life! It doesn’t matter what others do and at what rate. Let things take the time they need to take.

Post # 7
1241 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

My ex-husband married just shy of a year after our divorce was final. At that time, we were on fairly good terms, and I had asked that he wait until I could meet her, because of the children. At the time, I had no idea how selfish and bad that sounded, but I was pretty young.

They had only dated for about 6 months when they married, and I’ve been dating my SO for just over 3 years at the moment. I sometimes feel like I’m missing something important that he doesn’t want to just jump into marriage, but overall, I know it’s just not smart to jump into things.

This year marks 10 years that I’ve been divorced, and 9 that my ex has been married to his wife. 

Sorry, I ramble. LOL  Don’t let what your ex did define your relationship with your soon to be FI. Let him do what he wants, and don’t worry about anything else. Ultimately, it’s about YOU and HIM, not your ex.

Post # 8
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@nightowler:  Who cares what your ex or other people think? It’s about to be a really special moment in your life so just concentration on that and forget about all the other stuff. 

Post # 9
1400 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

As far as I know, I’m getting married before all of my exes, so this is a disclaimer that I’m not the most “qualified” to reply to this.

PPs are saying screw what other people think, and I get that, but I also get worrying about it. You don’t want to worry about it, but you do. And I’m guessing the only way you can mostly avoid the “she must have pressured him” or whatever is by waiting at least 2 months. And that would suck. So don’t. 

When you tell the proposal story, mention how long he’d been planning it, clearly since before your ex proposed to his SO. And hey, if you’re comfortable with this, maybe mention that you both wanted it to be perfect, and then an awkward thing related to your past happened, and you realized nothing in life is really perfect, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a wonderful proposal, engagement, wedding, and marriage. 🙂

This situation is annoying, but by the time everyone sees how happy both of you are on your wedding day, they won’t care if the proposal had had something to do with your ex. And you wouldn’t be the first person to freak out about not being engaged yet when it’s on its way to happening, and go on to have an amazing marriage. I think Miss Campfire’s proposal was pretty messy, but when she talks about Sparky I always think they’ll live happily ever after.

Post # 11
230 posts
Helper bee

I wouldn’t be jealous and hopefully your SO would propose anyway. When it’s the right time you shouldn’t have to wait. 🙂

Post # 12
3394 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think you should just let it be an organic process, and your FI should propose when the time feels right – regardless of whether that’s close to when your ex popped the question to his girl. If people do comment – which it would be in poor taste, IMO – I would just shrug it off and put it down to one of life’s funny coincidences. I think it’s really great that you’ve got a good friendship with him, and that you’re both in happy relationships that are about to become even more committed. 

I remember being quite upset when my ex proposed to his now-wife. We were together five years and he wanted to marry me, but we were at such different stages in our lives. He was seven years older, so it made perfect sense that he would get married before me – but it didn’t stop me from being pretty devastated about the whole thing. 

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