(Closed) When your friends aren’t in the same life stage…

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1207 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I know how you feel!  A few of my girlfriends are the same way.  It’s tough, but I do tend to not talk too much wedding around them.  Its tough that it seems that most of your friends are this way.  Is there one of them that you are particularly close to that you could speak to about this?  Maybe they just don’t realize they are giving off this vibe?

Post # 4
Member
2280 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’m SO glad you posted this. I’m facing a similar situation, in that the majority of my friends are nowhere close to marriage, while I’m getting ready to make that step. Their plans are to continue on with school and get jobs, not start their own families. So I’m also worried about losing some of my friends in the process.

The advice MinMan gave me when I mentioned my fear: “Your friendships will change, but they will survive if you honor one another. If I were you I would spend as much time with your friends as you can while you are all still mostly in the same area…if you are my age and still acting the way you did six years ago, then you will have been successful at least in preserving the essence of who you are and should be, an oft lost gem.”

In other words, marriage and serious relationships won’t change who you are as a person, maybe just your schedule and chosen activites. And you shouldn’t have to lose friends because of that.

One of my best friends is a serial monogamist. She’s dating ALL THE TIME, but her relationships don’t last for more than a few weeks and she’s complaining about it constantly. She’s the only one who’s expressed any jealousy or frustration. But I make it a point to stay interested in her relationships and offer advice, which seems to help get rid of the bitterness.

Post # 5
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Ugh you are not alone!!!! I have this feeling too sometimes and I’m not really sure how to deal with it either. I have some really really great friends but they’re mostly not where I am right now. My MOH is the exception, she is so fantastic and is really the only person I can fully discuss things with about buying a house, getting married, etc and know she is TRULY happy for me. 

My other friends… they say they’re happy for me and I’m sure they are on some level, but I feel super awkward about talking too much about the wedding or buying a house. They’re mostly single, renting, no real plans beyond the coming weekend. It just feels weird that all this huge stuff is happening in my life right now and they really can’t relate. The thing that I think kind of sucks is that when its their turn for all of this stuff, I will be SO thrilled for them and will be able to really celebrate and want to help them out… but they’re not really there for me in that way because I’m first. 

Oh well… I just feel grateful that I have one friend that I can go to for anything and that I can celebrate with and remember that all this stuff thats happening for me is exciting and that I don’t need anyone else to really be there with us!

Post # 7
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m actually at a later stage in my life where most of my friends are married or in serious relationships, so I definitely don’t have a group of girlfriends treating me differently and living a different life. BUT, I do have one friend who is obsessed wtih finding a husband and I think was so jealous/hurt that me and all her other friends were getting engaged that she actually moved back to her home state – I wrote about it in a separate post one day when I was feeling really frustrated from her constant crying fits. I mean we’re talking she really needed to go to a therapist.

Luckily, my younger friends who are single and mingling are very sweet and supportive of me. They don’t really invite me out on a regular basis for their typical clubbing/guy finding Saturday night, but if they know FI is out of town they always invite me along. The fact is, I am living a different life from these ladies and I personally don’t think it would even be appropriate to go along with them all the time to ‘find guys’. But we make time for each other for more wholesome activities like dinner parties, etc.

Post # 8
Member
4567 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’m in a really weird place, actually. My friends at home are all unmarried and even though one has been dating her BF for longer than I’ve been dating mine, they won’t get married any time soon. And she’s the flakiest one of the bunch, still drinking and carrying on wtih drama like she’s in college- it’s really annoying and I honestly don’t expect her to make the trip up here for my wedding even though we’ve been friends for 12 years. My other friends that are down there don’t really care that I’m getting engaged and married next year and treat me exactly the same! However, up here, all my friends are engaged, married, or in serious relationships, so that makes it way easier.

Post # 9
Member
4385 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

It’s sad to say but in my opinion it’s a natural part of life to drift apart from people. It’s hard to stay friends and hang out with someone who no longer has the same interests (ie I like to stay home now, other girls still go out partying). I think that it’s possible to keep in touch with these people, and then possibly reconnect when you’re more on the same page.

This is not to say it’s impossible to be friends with people who don’t share your interests, it’s just trickier!! And those true friends will always remain in your life 🙂

Post # 10
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’ve been perpetuially in a different stage of life from most of my friends since I graduated high school at 16 and was living alone in Europe at 18. What I’ve found is this, relationships change and people change but that doesn’t mean that you can’t still love/appreciate your friends for who they are now.

One of my good friends just disappears when she has a boyfriend. She’s with them all the time and never has time to hang out. I miss her, but it sucks that she doesn’t bother to think about hanging out with her friends. I don’t feel bad about her having a realtionship (I’m happy for her!) but I think it’s totally lame when a friend just disappears because of a guy. It totally doesn’t have to be that way.

You can have your life with your sweeite and you can still have your friends. You have to make an effort to continue to hang out with them, and to make them feel a part of your life. If you’re spending the rest of your life with this man it doesn’t hurt to hang out with your friend. You say they feel “bitter” you’re in the relationship, but perhaps they’re just bummed they don’t see you as much anymore.

More importantly, it’s good to continue your friendships and not isolate yourself in “lover land.” It’s healthy to go and do things without your SO and to have time that is just “girl time.”

Post # 11
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I feel you on this one. But I think for my friends, a lot of it has to do less with the relationship and more with the maturity. Several of my friends are getting married next summer, but none of them has ever lived with their FIs, just their girly roommates… they have no idea what’s coming, how to combine finances, etc–they spend their time planning the next time they’re going out, “how to be domestic and bake an apple pie,” and fluffy fakeness like that. It’s so funny because I know that as soon as these people are pulled out of this fakeness and into the real world of marriage, they’ll be back to trying to spend time with me!

I guess what I’m trying to say is… we all need slightly better friends. haha. Just kidding. I love my friends, but its hard if you’ve never been there, I suppose. So, I’m trying to cut them a little slack and stay interested in their lives, and I think that’s the only way to remain friends–but sometimes, friendships do end. It’s sad, but it happens.

Post # 12
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

You are not alone! And I also have to say that it passes. I was absolutely in this situation with some of my best girlfriends from college. Half of us were in the “getting married” stage, and the other half were still in the single stage without any real prospects at that time. I just didn’t talk about the wedding as much with those girls. Luckily, I had a friend who went through all of this well before I did and gave me some advice on how to handle it. They just aren’t in the same stage of life as you, and though you can be happy and let them know you are, you need to be careful not to rub it in how amazing your life is.

On their side, their life might not be as amazing, and they really truly are ready to find “the one” and settle down. It just might not be at that point. So, give them a little bit of a break, and eventually, they’ll catch up to you! I’ve definitely found that there was a lull in our friendship where we weren’t communicating as much, but now, we’re inseparable. It’s awesome to say the least, and we can all say that we’ve been there for each other through breakups, marriages, deaths, births and everything in between. So, don’t give up on them just yet…they’ll catch up eventually!

Post # 13
Member
4567 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

cinema- you said “I think we all need better friends” jokingly but sometimes I REALLY feel that way. It’s hard to think that the friend I’ve had for 12 years more than likely won’t come because my wedding is 5.5 hours from my hometown where she lives. That HURTS, and I can’t help but think that a real friend would come no matter what. It’s not like I’m asking them to cross the ocean, just take a car ride…

Post # 14
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

As once the single girl in a group of people blissfully in love, I never, ever felt bitter towards my friends. I always wanted, and will always want, whats best for them and for my friends to be happy…single or not. Maybe your friends are worried you’re jealous of them cause they are single and living it up! lol, jk.

If your friends are true friends they will only be happy for you.

Yes, our priorities were differnt, but we were all the same people. Even if that meant sometimes they would go out with me even if that wasn’t what they 100% wanted to do, and sometimes I would stay in with them even if that wasn’t 100% what I wanted to do, we made sure we still got together and spent time together. Bottom line, lives and priorities changes but both parties need to make an effort if that’s whats important. And some friendships sadly, do drift apart over time.

Post # 15
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I have been on the other side of the story pretty much my entire life.  The single friend of the married couples, then the single childless female to the married with children.  I can’t even say I’m moving to the other side because I have no single friends.  None. Nada. Zilch.  What I am most thankful for- all those married friends of mine who listened to my stories, didn’t try to fix me up, included me in whatever social events they had and didn’t pass judgement if I didn’t want to be the single person amongst 30 married people.  They talked to me about wedding plans, marriage, being pregnant, and having kids, but it wasn’t the only thing we talked about by any means.  Change is difficult for everyone, and maybe they aren’t bitter but getting used to the shift in dynamics that will occur.  Give it some time, do something just girls, and if things don’t change, well, maybe a drift in friends was going to happen anyway.

Post # 16
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I feel this way very often. I’m 19 but at 19, I’m a senior in college. My friends are freshmen or sophomores, mostly single or in relationships that last about two weeks with dramatic break ups. I try not to talk much about my SO but when they ask what I did this weekend… Well, this weekend SO surprised me with a beautiful Christmas tree while I was at review sessions for finals and we stayed up really late and decorated it and listened to Christmas music and danced around the house (and kissed under the mistletoe he hung all around the house)! So I mean, I could say I went to review sessions and leave all that out. But it’s frustrating when they go on and on about getting drunk in the dorms and I listen and listen… Luckily I do have my best friend who listens and cares. 🙂

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