When your in-laws hurt you :(

posted 3 years ago in Names
  • poll: How do I handle this?
    Keep the name I love and use it anyways : (65 votes)
    66 %
    Find a new name—a baby needs a unique identity : (33 votes)
    34 %
  • Post # 3
    3677 posts
    Sugar bee

    I’m sorry you are so upset.

    The sad truth is that nobody “owns” names, and all you can do is choose the name you want to give your children, you can’t prevent anyone else from giving it to theirs. The best thing to do, if you feel protective of a certain name and would prefer that others not use it, is DON’T GO TELLING PEOPLE WHAT IT IS. Even if she didn’t do it out of spite (and, in the interest of family harmony, I would give her the benefit of the doubt that she didn’t), when you have conversations about favorite names you plant the seeds of suggestion in people’s minds. If you don’t want people using a name, the best thing you can do is to not plant any of those seeds, and hope that they find a different name on their own.

    That said, you can still use the name if you like it that much. You were going to spell it differently, after all. They can’t prevent you from using it any more than you can prevent them.

    Post # 4
    13168 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    Sorry you’re upset but I’m of the opinion that you can’t “claim” a name until you have a baby in your arms to give it to.  There is no calling dibs or making a name off limits just because you like it.  For all you know, you’ll never have a boy that you could have used the name on anyway.

    Post # 5
    6631 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I agree with the PP, I am truly sorry you are upset but as PP stated you have no claim on a name until you have a child placed in your arms. 

    Post # 6
    1302 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Hmm, I would be upset if I were you too, but you NEVER should have discussed baby names with anyone but your husband!!


    Post # 7
    6666 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I’d use the name you love.  Why not?  That is why I never told anyone the names of my babies while I was pregnant.

    Post # 9
    3570 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I am so sorry that happened to you.  A good lesson is not to share the names you love with other people.  My DH and I have not told anyone our top choice for names when the time comes.

    Post # 10
    10886 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    @jules28:  I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I can understand why you’re so upset — it’s not only the fact that your SIL used the name knowing full well that you hope to use it but also the fact that she and your MIL have been deceptive and underhanded, and you don’t feel as if you can ever truly trust them.

    Because of this, I would refrain from sharing too much personal information with either of them, because you do not need to provide them with opportunities to hurt you.

    HOWEVER, having said all of that, it’s very important that you forgive both of them for what they did. You’re definitely on the right track in wanting to choose to be the bigger person in this exchange, because, if you do not take the high road, the only person who is going to feel the pain of taking the low road will be you. Unresolved anger and unforgiveness absolutely do lead to resentment and bitterness, and they will eat you alive if you don’t nip them in the bud as soon as you possibly can. You can choose to forgive them, and you can choose to let it go.

    Finally, I will say that I agree wtih @KCKnd2: — there is nothing stopping you and your DH from continuing on with your plans to use the name that you love.  I presume the children would have different middle names, and different last names as well. The fact that your version of the name has one letter difference also will help.

    By the way, this actually happened not once but twice in my DH’s family. DH has two children who share the same names as two of his siblings’ children.  The grandparents refer to the two boys by their first names and middle initial and the two girls by their first names and middle names.  It really isn’t a problem, and you shouldn’t allow it to become one.  If your SIL and BIL and MIL get upset if you stick with the name you love, then that becomes THEIR problem, not yours.


    Post # 11
    186 posts
    Blushing bee

    I am really sorry this happened 🙁 I would be disappointed too. But I agree with previous posters, she had a baby first and isn’t technically in the wrong here. I am sure you and your DH will find an awesome name to use if you have a baby boy in the future.

    Post # 12
    2261 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    Eh, I know you can’t own a name, but to me it seems like there should be some respect amongst siblings.  I could never ever ever steal a name from a sibling.  With that being said, I’m glad that my siblings have shared their baby name wishlist with me so I know not ever to choose that name.  So, I don’t exactly believe you should keep a baby name to yourself…as far as family is concerned….unless you are a from a huge family and there are just too many kiddos to keep up w/.  lol  DH’s dad is from a family of 10 and his mom is from a family of 9.  All of the aunts/uncles have a minimum of 4 kids, so yeah, DH has a TON of first cousins, several of which who share his first name.


    Post # 13
    353 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    Aw! That’s incredibly upsetting.

    A similar thing happened to me — one of my close friends got pregnant a few years back and we were discussing baby names one day. I told her about the name I had liked for several years and planned on naming my son one day.

    AND SHE USED IT. Shortly after our conversation, she announced she was using the name.

    It wasn’t as big of a deal to me then as it would be now since I was only 20 and several years away from having kids. But I STILL love that name to this day and it bums me out that I won’t be able to use it one day. AND I can’t imagine ever doing that to someone.

    Sorry they upset you so much and are not being considerate of your feelings. Hang in there.

    Post # 14
    3769 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: December 1999

    ok, now I am really curious what the name was. Was it something pretty common anyways?

    Post # 15
    4483 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    I say use it anyway. I will if my girl name is “taken”

    Post # 16
    2912 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    Ugh I hate the ‘you can’t own a name’ arguement. If someone you love dearly tells you they have a particular name in mind that they have loved forever why would you use it? What kind of person does that? It’s just amazingly rude and selfish. 

    OP I would still name my son the name I have always loved, to hell with them. 

    FI and I have a girls name picked out. I have loved it forever and now FI does too. It’s unusual and not many people have that name. My sister & best friend are the only ones who know. If they used it I would feel betrayed on so many levels. 

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