When your SO has a dream that scares you

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

Maybe he can start small…my mom brews beer at home and occasionally enters competitions with it, but she hasn’t gone so far as to quit her job and try to open a brewery.

I would support my FI as long as what he wanted to do wouldn’t put us at risk. He’s the primary breadwinner, him quitting his job to build and restore pinball machines would put us in the poor house. But I am fine with giving up a room in our place for him to fill up with pinball stuff and tinker in his spare time

Post # 4
Member
3201 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Ryansgirl:  I don;t know, because none of those “dreams” that your husband has would be something that I would “put up with” from FI. We are in the process of building a life together, so I don’t know if I would be okay with him going forward with a “dream” that would severely set us back financially and in terms of having a family. I wouldn’t be okay with that. FI has dreams all the time. Hell, so do I. I would kill to take a year off of work, move to a big city, and write–but it’s just not feasible without seriously uprooting our lives. 

Can he start small with some of these things? Climbing Mt. Everest–I’m sorry, I would have nixed that, too. Take a hike. Climb a smaller mountain! Craft brewery: Again, why can’t he start small? Take some of the classes, enter local farmer’s market, build an online and community prescence before quitting your job to do it. And as for traveling, as long as it would be a given that he would be able to get his job back and you would be financially secure during this time, I guess I don’t see the problem…are you going with him? What would your job situation be like?

I don’t know, I’m all about supporting FI, but some of these just seem a little…I don’t know. I almost a little childish. Sorry, I really don’t mean that in a bitchy way, they just seem almost random, haha. Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
6026 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I can see the reluctance to get on board with the Mt. Everest thing— there are so many hack guide companies these days who will take people up the mountain regardless of physical condition, so long as they can pay the fees, and that creates significant risks to other climbers. The death rates on Everest are really out of control in the last 3-4 seasons.

But I don’t think any of the other “dreams” are automatically no-go’s.  

If he would like to take an extended leave of absence to travel, I don’t see anything wrong with that, so long as the two of you can survive without his salary and also build in some budget for you to come meet him several times along his journeys.

Open a craft brewery? People actually make good livings this way, if they have a decent budget and business plan. There are actually a little string of craft breweries outside of Seattle all opened by former Microsoft employees who saved their money up and decided not to be software engineers forever.

I would absolutely support my fi in any of these if that’s what he wanted to do (apart from Everest, but McKinley wouldn’t bother me, assuming he was into it and was in top shape), and I would expect him to support me if I wanted to go open a restaurant or a B&B, so long as we had the money saved up to do it and a decent business plan.

I would encourage him to take a few business administration classes if he is serious about the craft brewing, and try his hand brewing small batches, before ruling that out entirely.  If he’s got his heart set on traveling, ask him to draw up a budget with you, which would include your normal household expenses and his travel money plus a cushion plus a travel budget for you, and he can start saving.

Post # 7
Member
2873 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think it would really depend.  There is a balance between being supportive and being realistic.  My DH would love to quit his job and work on a card game that him and a friend have been working on for a while full time.  Unfortunatly, that is balanced with the fact that he took on a pretty heavy load of law school debt and we can’t afford to make that happen for him.  His friend brews his own beer, but our local craft beer scene is currently saturated to the breaking point. 

There are times where in a relationship where you can be the cheerleader, and other times where you need to play devils advocate.  I have a saying based on my job that what the customer wants isn’t always what is best for the customer.  Sometimes they need to be told No, what you want is not feasable/realistic.  That includes telling my DH that every once in a while.  I say it in the kindest possible way “You and friend can work on the card game at night and if you get it published we can revisit how much that makes us and if we can afford for you to quit your job,” and “We can look at you finding a new job that you may be happier at.”

Post # 8
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

Ryansgirl:  Be prepared for him to become a beer snob and think nothing else is as good as his though lol.

I can understand the safety thing. Climbing mountains isn’t something you can just jump into,  and they say the number one reason for climbing deaths is inexperience. Thankfully for me all of my FIs dreams are pretty safe in terms of risk of physical harm lol

Post # 9
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Ryansgirl:  if it were my FI and I in this situation, I would support him. I’d ask that he skip the crazy dangerous stuff, regardless of finances. The reason for this, is I’d be too afraid of a serious injury that could possibly prevent him from working ever again, building up medical bills, and if course, I wouldn’t want my partner hurt. 

The only thing that would bug me in all of this, is I’d want to be doing all those things too, alongside him. Traveling and adventure is wonderful, but when you’re married, you should include your partner. (You didn’t clarify if you’d be joining in any if his “dreams”, or if you want to). I’d be sad to be left home while he goes and has fun, spending all of our savings, while I continue to work. 

But, we’re all different.

Post # 10
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee

Mine likes to MMA fight on the side. This scares the bajeezes out of me (even though it’s kind of hot and he’s never lost) so I sat him down and had a heart to heart. He’s been doing all the training and instead of MMA matches, entering “sparring” matches for martial arts competitions. Still lots of potential damage, but a bit less… Brutal. <br /><br />

I’d say be supportive, but ask for smaller starts. It’s not wrong to worry about your SO and not wrong at all to want him to be a little more circumspect about his choices (even if he is a big planner). I’d say find some middle ground that works for you both and go for it. There’s lots of Mts that aren’t Everest dangerous but still challenging and accomplishments to do! Also brewing from home doesn’t have to start off 100% full time. And traveling is super amazing! Do it together, but perhaps in smaller chunks than 6 months straight so you have time to do all the stuff you need to do too. I think all his goals are very do-able. Just maybe on a smaller scale to begin with. Who knows? Maybe he’ll become such a competent climber, or make the most bagining brews ever, that you wont have the worries anymore down the road 🙂

Post # 11
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Ryansgirl:   My SO and I are the same way about weighing options. SO always wanted to own his own business and the opportunity arose when I was 9 months pregnant and needing to leave my job because having three kids and a 3 hr daily commute wasn’t working. I told him he needs to at least try to live out his dream. He’ll regret it if he doesn’t. So we both quit our jobs and now SO has a successful business and I’m extremely lucky to be a SAHM. Support your SO’s dreams and have faith in him that he knows what he’s doing and will be sucessful. Everything will work out how it is supposed to.

Post # 13
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I say why not! Let him go for it, it’d be a massive achievement and something he’d remember forever. You don’t want to be the one to hold him back, he may end up resenting you for it later on.

My hubby’s dream is to be a rock star and he works his ass off doing what he loves and the reality is his music comes before any other job he has as its not what his passionate about (He also goes through a LOT of jobs for this reason) For ages it really bothered me. He is an extremely talented singer, song-writer and guitarist. For years I’d get annoyed when band practice went all day (and night) and he’d miss things due to touring or playing a show. I worried what would happen if I fell pregnant and he was never home?We’ve been together 7.5 years now and I’ve learnt to really admire his passion and persistence in doing what he loves. He taught me to dream too and that you really can achieve anything you have your heart set on. I will always support him 110% (and I know he’ll support me always too) even when at times I still get frustrated I’ll still support him and I’d never hold him back. He also made it workable and decided in our 5 year plan, he’d travel and tour and I’d visit him and have a holiday out of it too, and in 4-5 years we’ll then settle down and try for a baby, but until then we’ll explore the world and chase our dreams. After all you only live once! 😉 <3 xx

Post # 14
Member
2155 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I am down to let my husband fulfill whatever dreams he has, as long as we’re able to keep up our lifestyle financially. We’re are looking into travelling for 3-6 months ourselves and we are saving for that. I would be absolutely fine with him climbing Mt. Everest if that was his dream and he prepared for it properly. Obviously I’d be nervous, but I would never tell him not to. His friend just climbed it in 2013 and it really is a cool thing to have done. 

Post # 15
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Ryansgirl:  If my husband was acting like yours I would do whatever I could to support him. I’d hate to see my DH seem unhappy or dissatisfied with the life we built together. If possible I would much rather travel together than he go off by himself. And I agree about everest, that is legitimately dangerous. But if it would start a fight for you to say “No”, try suggesting he do that Everest after the travelling and craft brewing. By then, he may have it out of his system and no longer even wish to do it. 

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