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That sounds horrible and scary for you.
I would say that you should do everything in your power to keep the lines of communication open with her. You may want to be firm with her or angry, but really she needs to feel like there is someone non-judgmental who she can contact. It may be that you know that you can't be that person for her, but it would be great if you could.
When is your wedding? Is she still in the same area or did she move away? Can you use bridesmaid dresses as a hook to see her for an afternoon?
You probably already know that abusers like to keep their victims isolated from friends and family who might throw them a lifeline. If you need further resources or information, let me know.
Oh wow, I feel for you. This is a very tough situation. First, I must preface this with letting you know that what I'm giving you is MY opinion, so just take it for what it's worth!
I think that kicking her out of your wedding would be the wrong thing to do. Since you do have email contact with her, I would email her the date, time, and location of where everyone is meeting to start dress shopping. Let her know that you'd really like her to be there and be part of the decsion. If she shows up - great, if not then pick the dress without her and email her the final info so she can order her dress. Do your best to make her feel included, but don't make her feel bad when she can't be there.
If her relationship with her boyfriend is abusive, then you don't need to add any more stress to her life. By letting her know you want her there and giving her opportunities to be involved, then she gets to make the choices (which may give her a sense of empowerment she does not have in her relationship). Take it one day/step at a time. If she gets involved then be happy, if she doesn't you need to know that you did all you could without forcing her into it.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Thanks for your thoughts. Please keep them coming! I have fought the urge to kick her out of the wedding because...she isn't just my sister, she is one of my closest friends. I would hate to look back at those pictures and not see her there. I just hope she shows up.
When she ran off, she moved from Florida to Alabama with him. She doesn't have her old cell phone so we don't have a number we can reach her at. Email is our only possible line of communication. That isolation factor is in full swing.
I've been emailing her info about the dresses as part of group emails to all my BM's. But no responses. I actually already bought hers (I got them at a great deal and bought everyone's), but I want to be able to ship it to her so she can try it on. But I don't have her address and doubt she will give it to me (or doubt he will let her.)
Such a tough situation...thanks for listening. :)
Oh and my wedding is in August so hopefully a miracle will happen in the next six months...
Could you get some money together and buy her one of those pay-as-you-go phones so you can keep in touch with her? The cost might be worth the peace of mind.
I would...but she won't. She has a cell phone, but won't give anyone in the family her number. Or he won't let her, I'm not sure which. Good idea though..
I'm sorry august. I'm scared for her. Can you and some other family go to Alabama to see her, check on her? I've never been involved in anyone close being abused. Let us know what happens. Good luck.
@august- I should have figured out when your wedding is!
I wanted to include a link about supporting friends/family experiencing domestic violence. This one has some good advice, though probably stuff you already know.
@doctorgirl: Thanks for sharing that link. It is a really difficult position to be in. We want to run up there, grab her, and bring her back to Florida, but that could be even worse for her. So we just keep telling her we are here, keep praying for her, and keep hoping she will see the reality of the situation.
I know sort of what your going through...but it wasnt my wedding year that she ran away. But my little sister actually ran away when she was about 15-16 yrs old. Shes back now living with my dad but her bf just got out of jail! And my parents dont seem to be great influences beacuse my dad has her bf at his house!! My mom kicked her out a few months ago because they didnt know if she or her bf was taking money from them but now my dad has them at his house!! Lovely! But I hope she turns up and gets rid of her boyfriend. Why dont girls know that there is a much better life for them?
Blahhhhh. It has been a tough day. I'm a family law attorney and had to file a domestic violence injunction on behalf of someone today. It definately made me think/worry about my sister. The more I think about it, the more the signs of domestic violence are there. I wish I had done something sooner! Any suggestions anyone has would be greatly appreciated.
I haven't heard from her in two weeks, despite sending out emails to all my bridesmaids telling them I bought their dresses and let me know what size they want so I can ship it to them. I have heard from everyone but her. AAhhh.
The one silver lining in all this is my older sister (the other MOH) and I have grown closer through this than we have been through our entire lives.
Thanks for all your support, bees!
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I agree with others; you may feel like you want to just kick her out but she may or may not be in crisis right now, and you need to keep a friendly line of communication open. If she is in an abusive relationship, alone with her abuser, she needs to feel like there is one person at home she can call who won't judge her and will just be willing to help. The wedding is really secondary; luckily you have another sister who can fill the MOH role.
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I have not read any other responses so if I am repeating sorry!
I think for 1 keep her updated on everything dresses, flowers, etc keep all lines of communication open. I think that if you keep telling her updates she will realize how important she is to you and hopefully will come back.
Second I think you should order her dress (guess size) and tell her you ordered it knowing she was not around to get measured and you hope it fits and can't wait to see her in it! Then she may feel more important and opt to come for the wedding and come back.
You need to be a helping hand with this. People in relationships like that are manipulated and think that is the only option for them. Some families, I don't know you or your family so I am not saying this is how you are, but, some families tend to yell and scream and demand they come back. I think by keeping things light and friendly it will make her feel more welcome. I hope everything works our and I hope all works out well!!
Trust me, there are days I would like to yell and scream at her! Especially when I think about how she has abandoned our 11 year old sister who she practically raised. My wedding is totally secondary, if even that high on the list. But it is the tie we are hoping keeps her somewhat close. This is a tough situation...keep the thoughts coming - it really does help to hear some outside insight!
Okay, that didn't work....
If any of you bees are women of faith, we could certainly use your prayers. Here is an email my parents sent out today. Thank you in advance!
"Dear Friends and Family,
As most of you know by now, our daughter ran away with her boyfriend almost six weeks ago. We have reason to believe she is in an abusive situation. Other than a couple lines in an email, we have not heard from her in all this time, nor has anyone else. She left taking nothing but the clothes on her back.
Many of you have been holding us and her up in your prayers and for this we are forever grateful. Without God's strength, we never could have made it through this most difficult time in our lives.
We would like to ask each of you to take a moment on Friday at 8am to pray wherever you are. We believe that God will answer the prayers of His people. Please pray that her heart will be drawn to God.That the lines of communication between her and us will be opened. That God will guide us on what we are to do. And please continue to pray for her safety. If you are a part of a prayer circle or know a prayer warrior, please feel free to send this request along.
It has been almost forty days and forty nights that we have been going through this, and as I'm sure Mrs. Noah felt, we are so over this and could sure use the sight of dry land.
Thank you so much for your support"
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Sigh. My Maid of Honor is MIA. And she also happens to be my little sister. She ran off just over a month ago with her abusive boyfriend. But because she is 21, there isn't anything we can do about it. I have only received a total of four emails and one five minute phone call from her since January 13. And I've heard from her more than anyone else in my family. I've been trying to pick out dresses, figure out flowers, etc. and she hasn't been responding to any of my emails about the wedding. I don't even know if she plans to be there at this point. I do have another Maid of Honor, my older sister, but...well, this just sucks. I am so close to all my sisters, and I hate that my little one is MIA. I have my moments when I think about kicking her out of the wedding, but my mom is counting on the wedding to bring her back home to us. But at the same time, I don't want my wedding to be that reunion! I am worried about her, mad at her, scared for her, frustrated with her, etc. Any thoughts on the situation?