Post # 1
Hey bees! So I’m having a difficult time with some wedding details and my FMIL. I won’t go into too much detail….but basically she has some very clear ideas as to what she would like to see happen. Of course, being that I’m super excited to plan my wedding, I have some very clear ideas as to what I would like to see happen. The most recent experience involved the grooms cake. Fiance didn’t even know what a groom’s cake was lol. I had planned to surprise him with a really cool groom’s cake for our rehearsal dinner. I really don’t like having groom’s cake at the wedding reception because I feel like it’s a waste. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a groom’s cake eaten (I’m sure there are bees with examples where it has, but I’m not so interested in that). Anywho, FMIL was very upset about that and insisted that I plan to have the groom’s cake at the reception. I’m just wondering should I give in on this or stick to my original plan? I want her ideas to be included too, but where do I draw the line? Any advice from girls who’ve been there, done that?
Post # 3
never heard of a groom’s cake
Post # 4
Where else have you given in to her ideas? If the only thing is the grooms cake, it seems like such a little thing.
Post # 5
It does seem silly that she’d be upset about the grooms cake when he didn’t even know what it was! Haha. I actually like your idea.
What you need to do is very firmly tell her what you are going to do. Don’t allow her to even think there is wiggle room. Say, “We will have the groom’s cake at the rehearsal dinner. It is wasteful to have two cakes during the reception.” Then, when she is taken aback by your confidence, you could say, “BAM. How ya like them apples?” (Please don’t do that last part. Hahaha!)
Good luck. =]
Post # 6
I agree with tksjewelry, what else have you given into? As for where to draw the line, you need to start being firm or she will eventually have her wedding! I never drew any lines when it first came to my MIL and will now have to (NWR, but still). It’s your wedding, have it your (and your Fi’s way), but that’s just my opinion. A lot of others feel otherwise. I suggest directing her attention on small details to make her “feel” included.
Post # 7
LOL You’re funny Goodie and thank you for the advice.
Post # 8
@tks and vits I have “given in” on the type of dinner (seated instead of buffet), number of guests, and a few other details.
Post # 9
I’ve always seen the groom’s cake at the rehearsal dinner (4 weddings where I have attended the rehearsal dinner and there was a groom’s cake eaten).
Who is paying for the cake? And who is hosting the rehearsal dinner? And who is paying for the wedding?
If your FMIL is hosting the rehearsal dinner, she can say she doesn’t want the cake there, but if she isn’t contributing to the wedding or the cake she definitely can’t say that she wants the cake at the wedding.
Sorry you are in this situation. My FMIL asks me things and I tell her that I will consider it, but that’s it. She has no say in anything because she isn’t contributing or hosting anything.
Post # 10
I’m very big on picking your battles. What is it going to hurt if there is a grooms cake at the reception? And is she contributing money?
Post # 11
Thank you for that bit of advice mcn. No, she is not contributing money to the wedding, but I believe she wants to help pay for the rehearsal dinner.
I guess I’m interested in finding out how people navigate these waters and where they set their boundaries…and of course how they came to that conclusion. It’s not just about the groom’s cake here lol.
Post # 12
i think this def sounds like a situation where you need to pick your battles carefully–on the cake specifically, is it in your budget, or will including it make you cut other costs that you would rather not cut? in general it sounds like she’s overstepping a lot already in pushing her preferences but not contributing financially; while it’s still right for you guys to consider her wishes, you don’t need to cave on everything just to make her happy. i think it’s time to bring your fi in to talk to his mom. you guys should decide what you want as a couple, and then your fi should be the one to lay down the boundaries.
eta: my hubby was really involved in planning decisions, especially in communicating things to his parents, so that’s where my advice comes from…if your fi hasn’t been involved, i could see how it’d be awkward to bring him in out of nowhere to talk to his mom….but yeah. in general, even though i’m close to my in-laws, i still like for communication, especially when it could be controversial, to go through my husband. he presents it as a “we” decision, not “finnaroo thinks xyz”
Post # 13
I like to tell every bride I come in contact with… TO DO WHAT SHE WANTS!! Its her wedding!
Unless what you want to do physically hurts someone or yourself, then I say GO FOR IT!
But also take into account that its your FH’s wedding too, and if he has no problem with it, then its all gravy..
Now concerning your FMIL…..well Unless she paid for the groom’s cake, then I don’t think she has much of a say. Thats just my PO