Post # 1
I’ve been a lurker since I got engaged. I’ve gotten such great advice and love this forum. I’m currently in school and my FI works. I’m required to do an internship in the spring and, since this last spring, my internship has been set in a different state. When I received my internship, my FI (boyfriend at the time) told me that he would go with me since he has nothing holding him to our current city and he can easily transfer with his job. I never once asked him to move with me and so I was happy he wanted to tag along.
Prior to getting engaged, he would tell me and others that we would be engaged by the time we moved to this new city together. For the past 5 months, we have been planning this move. Suddenly tonight he tells me that he does not want to go. He says he doesn’t want to move farther away from his friends and family and that he feels like he is giving up everything he knows to go with me. I was pretty shocked to say the least. Over the past 8 months I have given him many outs and told him he does not need to come. Now, 8 weeks before the month, he brings this up.
After discussion, he tells me that he will still go, he just does not want to. He said that he wanted me to know what he is giving up for me. Well, how am I supposed to feel now that I know that he is going to hold it against me? I feel like he will grow to resent me by moving.
My internship is only for around 4 months. So we can easily move again afterwards. However, there are no opportunities in our current city (hence why I have to go to another state for an internship). I had already planned out where we would live and my internship has already told me I can get a job there. Starting work right after graduation is really the only way I can contribute towards a wedding. If he stays here, he will need to sign a new lease that will most likely make it impossible for him to move anywhere else until at least next summer, if not longer. Plus his job already assumes he is planning to transfer.
So, what do I do? Do I tell him to just stay here and then move by myself 16+ hours away hoping that we’ll figure out where to live once I get a job in the spring? Should he still come (which he says he will) and I just hope that he will learn to like it?
Post # 3
@mariebee14: I’m confused as to why he’s laying the guilt trip on you now. It’s not like you’re both going to be living together in your current city after your internship is over, and he knew what he was getting himself into months ago when he volunteered to move.
I’d be just as frustrated as you are. I’d let him do whatever he wants to do- and I would secretly want him to come since that’s the plan and has been. Just because he’s getting sudden cold feet about this move doesn’t mean he should cancel all the plans.
Post # 4
@mariebee14: I’d tell him that it’s not fair that he is laying this guilt trip on me. I’d say “You can do whatever you want. Just know that at some point because of my future career, you will have to leave your family and friends to be with me. If you arent ready to do that now, we will figure out how to do a LDR. If you dont think that you’ll ever be ready to move away, then I guess we will have to break up. I love you and I release you to do whatever is best for you.”
Post # 5
Well first of all he needs to decide if he wants to stay with you. Just ask him point blank – regardless of where the two of us are living… do you want to stay with me, marry me and be with me forever?
But it sounds like this decision isn’t a “its just 4 months” thing if he wants to stay near family forever and you can’t get a job there.
He has to decide whether he wants his mommy and daddy or he wants you as his wife regardless of where you two might end up.
You two need to have a serious conversation about not just now but the future.
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
I’d tell him to stay home. You are already scared he will come to resent you. Go your own way, let him miss you.
Post # 7
If he doesn’t want to move with you for a 4-month internship, he’s definitely not going to want to move there permanently…and it sounds like you HAVE to move there permanently for your job.
Honestly, it sounds to me like he’s laying the groundwork for a breakup. I hate to be blunt, but that’s the impression I’m getting.
Go take your internship and live your own life. You’re young and starting out in your career and you deserve to enjoy it.
Post # 8
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
@KoiKove: I totally agree.
@mariebee14: You need to have one of those really hard, brutally honest conversations with him. Let him know how his statements are making you feel in a non-accusatory manner. “When you say X, I feel Y, because Z.” And tell him that you want whatever is best for both of you; that while you want to make this move together, you will support his decision to stay in your current town and try a LDR (if you are actually ok with a LDR); and that you accept if maybe he just doesn’t want to move ever, but that you have to look out for your own goals and dreams, and you are going to pursue them. Tell him that you want to share the journey with him, but you understand if he does not want to play a part in it, and he needs to make the decision that feels best for him.
Hopefully this is a case of cold feet, which is common when someone is making a big change. Cold feet can be worked through, together, with a lot of patience, communication, and love. But if it’s not, if it’s a case of divergent life goals, then sometimes you just have to let go and move on to give yourself the opportunity to flourish. Don’t sell yourself short or change your life goals to fit his.
Post # 9
Well if you can’t get a job in his city and he won’t move then either you will a) have to break up or b) have a long distance marriage. Honestly he sounds like a baby and this guilt trip thing is bullshit. You have to take care of you- go do your internship and let the chips fall where they may. I agree with a previous poster, it sounds like he’s laying the ground work for a break up. He’s really leaving you zero options- have a job and be without him or be with him and unemployed.
Post # 10
Thank you everyone for you replies! I sat down with my FI and we had a discussion about moving and where he sees our relationship going. I used a lot of the wording you recommended @KoiKove. Thank you! He admitted that he is just nervous to make a huge move and that he worries that he won’t fit in as well at his new job as he does at his current location. He said he never was planning not to go, he just wanted me to be aware of his feelings. We agreed that we will go, figure out if we like the new city and our new jobs, and then make a plan of action. He said he is willing to follow me anywhere I choose but he needs me to be aware of his cold feet when he is nervous. I think that a lot of big things are happening in this next year and we both need to be more open with each other to get through it. This argument helped us figure that out. Thank you so much again, bees, it is so nice having a support system here!
Post # 11
Having been in his position, the best thing I can tell you is to have a plan and timeline in place. Something to the effect of stay for 6 months and sit down to talk honestly about how you both feel. Evaluate the job situation and social needs. If you’re both happy, great! If not, then you’ll have to discuss options for leaving. The big thing is that you both have to follow through with your commitments. He has to give the new area and new job a fair chance. And if he’s miserable, you need to follow through with your end to evaluate other options. If one person is always miserable, with no end in sight, there’s not going to be a good outcome.