(Closed) Whether to ask MOH to step down from the role. *Please Help :'( *

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
4441 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@JinxxyKat:  What are you expecting the MOH to do prior to the wedding that she’s not doing?  

I’m of the belief that party members are not slaves!  She’s told you TWICE that she will be fine to do what is needed the weekend of your wedding.  And your BM was right to turn down the MOH duties… what did you ask of her?

I would explain to her that the salon doesn’t allow children and suggest that she just get her nails done when she’s able to given her son’s schedule.  Maybe get her a gift card seeing as you’re not able to pay for hers at the same time as everyone elses.

Post # 4
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@JinxxyKat:  if she can’t make it to her nails, she can’t make it.  Not a big deal, though maybe she can just go when it’s convenient for her and you can pick up the tab for her – or not – whatever, it’s fingernails.

As for this “On a side note- my fiancé and I have done everything ourselves”  

Umm, yah it’s YOUR wedding, YOU TWO are the ONLY people who are REQUIRED to do that stuff. Extra help is nice, but not required by anyone in the wedding party.  If you want help, you hire a wedding planner, not a brides-slave. 

As for your bustle, pretty sure your mom can step away and handle it for 10 minutes.  Bustles aren’t rocket science – if you have a tie bustle, ask your seamstress to number the ties to make it easier.

Your friend has said she will be there, in her dress on the day of. She’s met all the requirements of being an MOH in my books.  

Post # 5
Member
1659 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@JinxxyKat:  I just want to make sure at some point you asked her how she’s feeling, and found out how she’s doing with what sounds like an unplanned pregnancy. I withdrew from my friends when I found out I was pregnant (unplanned) – I had so much going on with my own life, and it meant a lot to have support from my close friends even though they also had their own busy lives. If she’s trying to reorganize her life, and you’re only communicating with her about wedding stuff, then I can see why she isn’t very responsive.

So for you – it sounds like having someone who can “handle tasks” is more important to you as an MOH. If you are ready to end or drastically modify this relationship with your current MOH, then tell her exactly why you no longer want her in that role. I’m sure she will be sad that you no longer value her as an important friend, but she may also be relieved that she no longer has to consider your wedding as she plans her own future.

Post # 6
Member
7653 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

She has assured you twice that she can handle the duties. Trust her that she can do them.

I had a personal attendant, my aunt, bustle my dress. My MOH was doing other stuff, helping the girls get ready for the wedding so maybe a different family member is an option.

I had NO help from my bridal party on my wedding, and you know what? It was better that way. Then I had no one to blame but myself for mistakes that were made or anything. My parents helped assemble programs. Your wedding party is not there to serve you and help you out with all these tasks you designate. I think there are certain “day of” things you can delegate, but leading up you should be doing this stuff with your FI.

Post # 9
Member
4441 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@JinxxyKat:  Everyone I have talked to says that your MOH should be your bestfriend or someone close to you.


I think those people mean that you should CHOOSE a best friend or someone close to you as your MOH.  Not that because you choose someone as your MOH they magically become your BFF overnight.

It sounds like you’re just overwhelmed by the wedding planning process, take a break and step back if you need to.

Post # 10
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@JinxxyKat:  Going off the title of your thread, I think you shouldn’t ask her to step down. Though it is disconcerting that you haven’t heard from her much and she won’t call you, she has written she’d do it. If you need someone to bustle, mom and mother in law can take 15 minutes to bustle you from dealing with family the day of. As for calming you down and keeping your sanity, it is time to step up and do that for yourself, and you will have your other bridesmaid and the salon ladies to talk with if you are feeling jittery the day of.

Let your MOH decide if she can handle the responsibilities — that is her decision, not yours. You’re thoughtful to consider that for her, but that is her decision to make and she has made it. You have a sound back up plan with the bustle and a PP gave a great suggestion of giving her a giftcard for the salon considering your MOH’s time constraints. Time to move on.

Separately, if you’re sad you haven’t spoken with her, text or call her to say you miss your friend and would love to talk, no text no e-mail. It can be about her pregnancy, it doesn’t have to be about the wedding, it can be about the weather, it can be anything, you just miss your friend. Maybe if that message gets across loud and clear to her she’ll warm up.

Post # 12
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think that you need to think about some things keeping in mind that I don’t know all your wedding details and what exactly needs to be done and how much family that you have to help you.

It is not just the Bridal party that takes care of everything.  You can also help other family memebers and friends to help you with doing some things like putting together wedding favors, setting up the hall, picking up suits and flowers, etc.

What exactly were you planning on the MOH specifically to do (not something you need to answer on thread just something for you to ponder) and is there any reason to think that she really won’t be able to complete the task.  If not then why do you think she will not be able to complete the task.  Is there anyone else that can do it instead.

My sister was my MOH and I live in Ontario and she lives in Wisconsin.  She was only able to come out the weekend of my wedding.  She got in on the thursday or Friday and left the Sunday.  She did what she was able to do.  DH and I relied on my parents, his parents, his aunt and uncle who flew in from out of town and a couple friends.  And we only had small backyard BBQ.

Advice.  I think that you should allow more people to help you with your big day.

Post # 13
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@JinxxyKat:  er no, the MOH doesnt help out with STDs etc

BMs and MOH turn up on day in dress you tell them, and spent morning getting ready together. They may or may not throw you a bridal shower or bachelorette

The list of things you said you and your fi have done  is irrelevent because its not their job to do it. If they offer, its a lovely and sweet gesture. If they don’t…they aren’t being bad BMs/MOH because its not their responsibility. she should be better at communicating but you can have a back up person learn how to bustle dress

bit confused by the spa thing – you say shes free on wedding day as her bfs mum will look after the baby, but not day before until 3. but you mention makeup and presumably makeup is done on the wedding day? or its a trial?

Post # 14
Member
3340 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

@JinxxyKat:  

“I asked my new bridesmaid if she would help take on tasks that the MOH typically would do … but she declined.”

Wow.  Seriously?  Does she even have an excuse for not wanting to help you?  I think she’s the one you should re-consider having as a bridesmaid.

“She ONLY communicates through text or facebook, she wont answer my calls or return my calls, I just get a text later on.”

Hmm, I’m sorry to say this, but it sounds like she either doesn’t have the time to give you that you deserve, or she just doesn’t care enough about you to make a real effort.  This has nothing to do with her being pregnant.  How hard is it to pick up the phone and call someone back?  It’s common courtesy.

“I’m stressing right now trying to figure out who can learn to bustle my dress after the wedding…”

This is an easy one at least.  Your mom.  Tell her ahead of time that it’ll be her responsibility and have her practice once before the big day so she’ll know what to do.  This one really isn’t a big deal.  I helped my new sister-in-law bustle her dress when she arrived at her reception.  It’s usually very easy, just a bunch of buttons or strings to tie together.  And it certainly doesn’t take 10-15 minutes!!  More like 1 minute.

Ugh, this is such a sucky situation.  I really feel for you.  I would try one more time appealing to your second bridesmaid to see if she’s willing to help you out more.  There’s really no reason for her to say no.  She already agreed to be a bridesmaid, and it’s not like there’s no responsibility with that role.  What did she expect?

If she’s really that unwilling to help you out when you have no one else, there’s nothing you can do to make her.  I don’t think un-making either of these ladies a bridesmaid is going to solve any of your problems.  If you get rid of one or both of them, then you’ll really have no one to help.  Plus, would it bother you if no one stood on your side while your fiance had 2 guys on his side?

I wouldn’t get rid of the girls unless you’re sure you can replace them.  Does your fiance have any sisters or cousins or someone who may be willing to help you?  This should be an exciting time for you with everyone wanting to pitch in to make your day special.  I’m so sorry that your friends aren’t making you a priority.

Post # 16
Member
8697 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@newname_99:  THIS!

 

I havent asked my MOH (she is a single mom of three kids) nor any of my other 5 BMs for any help at all. I dont expect them to help me. We are all young, in relationships, have homes to maintain, work full-time, and do not live 5 minutes away. They are my MOH/BMs bc they are my closest friends who I can talk to, get advice from, and (most of all) will stand by my side on my wedding day. Maybe that’s just me but I really have very few expectations from them. They are paying for their dress and hair but everything else I am covering (makeup, shoes, etc).

 

 

@JinxxyKat:  If you do feel uneasy since she will have a newborn then I would talk to her about it. I dont think she should be offended b/c she is your best friend. My best friend wouldnt but maybe you know she would? See what she says. If she is saying she can be there for you that day then I would leave her there, My MOH has a lot on her plate w/ being a single mom of 3 but we have been friends our whole lives so I wouldnt think of her stepping down.

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