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I may be wrong,but from what you've written,it sounds like his parents were pushing for Italy so they would have the advantage of staying in their own home while there,thereby cutting down on their own expenses. Is that a correct assumption or am I way off base?
I really have come to the conclusion that many people only use the etiquette card when its to their advantage,especially when it comes to wedding expenses. If his family,when presented with this plan says No,then what? Its all on your parents or will you & FI be contributing as well?
I have to agree with @smyley. If his parents pushed for Italy and this is where it's happening then definitely should be contributing more. And how easy for them that they have a house there?! No hotel expenses for them.
I think your FI has every right to ask them to buck up. I would also explain, yet again, your concerns with nailing down these vendors. It's stressful enough and knowing your vendors are locked in will relieve some of that.
Let us know what happens.
I think it's not unreasonable at all for your FI to ask his parents to contribute. It sounds like they pushed for a wedding in Italy and wanted input on the wedding (instead of hiring a coordinator) and aren't putting up any money to help? I know it's customary for the brides family to pay but times are changing and things are much more expensive now a days! I used a currency converter (don't know euros!) and just the location alone is over $21k, FIL's should def help out since your parents are already paying a lot to fly over, lodging etc.
Good luck and let us know what FIL's say to your FI.
They will definitely have less expenses than my family by being able to stay in their own home and drive their own cars, their currency (danish kroner) vs the euro compared to the us dollar vs the euro, and not have expensive plane tickets.
To elaborate more on the breakdown of the cost of the venue part of the costs are rooms for 2 nights (we are getting married in a castle that holds 90+ people), 3 meals, and church rental. His parents want to have the weekend (Fri-Sun am) paid for the guests. If they say no my parents will have to inform guests that they (my parents) will only be able to cover Saturday night and the other night is up to the guests (which is not a huge problem considering most are using this as a vacation and don't mind paying one more night's stay).
As for my FI and I contributing, we are contributing for small things here and there (welcome bags in all the rooms, DIY programs, menus and placecards). It is rather difficult for us because I moved to Sweden about a year ago to be with him when he was transferred from the US to Denmark for work and I have just now gotten a job. His salary is enough for us to live comfortably but nowhere near enough to save for this type of wedding.
I really hope I don't sound like a spoiled brat or anything...this is just how things are done in my family (ie, parents pay for the wedding, etc)
Trust me, you don't sound like a spoiled brat. It's a legitimate concern. And Soon2beeMrsM is right. Times are changing and everyone contributes to a wedding nowadays. It's not just the bride's family.
I think you're being more than reasonable. And I'd go as far as to say that since they were the ones to push for Italy, they should be more financially responsible. Obviously you can't come out and say that, and it seems that's not the way that it would play out but in a perfect world, that's how I feel it should happen. Good luck, keep up posted about how his conversation goes tonight!
Ouch this sounds complicated. I would bring up the number they originally quoted as the price of the wedding and say (as many times a necessary to sink in) we were planning on wedding X but now it cost Y amount. That's a lot of money for us. We can't have this wedding anymore. I'm so sorry, I guess I didn't make it clear when we talked initially that budget is limited and that we're relying on your estimate. So sorry. You did tell us it would cost much less. Do you think you'd like to contribute to this wedding? I think we'll have to move the wedding and have a different wedding otherwise.
You can always move the wedding to a less expensive location and be able to afford it between you and your family. Unless his family really steps up it sounds like relying on them will be a disaster.
Also maybe add "I'm so stressed out and worried about our guests, I don't have a single contract, you know how American's are about contracts, I just haven't been able to enjoy wedding planning so far *sad face*, I'm just so stressed and miserable, I wish there was a way to have things be more nailed down, this is terrible. I know I know it's cultural but it's so hard on me, almost seems so much easier to elope." :P
I agree with other posts....you are being more than reasonable and I think since they pushed for Italy they should pay the extra costs that are included...I worry it almost sounds that they are using the wedding as an excuse to have a family reunion and vacation. I hope you can get this figured out soon and think that you should address the issue immediately before it's too late. You wouldn't want to have recent towards your inlaws for years because of it.
I think it is 100% reasonable for you to expect his parents to help more considering their position and the way things have played out. EXCEPT-- i don't really see them paying for the honeymoon. The honeymoon should always be the responsibility of the couple, in my opinion, unless it is given freely as a gift. I don't see it as part of the "wedding package" that needs to be paid for by the parents--- especially bc the parents are paying for everything else.
Thanks for all your opinions and support! I'm actually already feeling better about it all (I guess I'm hoping since you all see it as reasonable so will his parents!)
@CorgiTales: I am not including the honeymoon as something they should pay for. That is something they have wanted to gift us from the beginning...they have already planned and booked it. It is to an island of the coast for Rome so not far from our wedding location. I honestly would rather have little or no honeymoon and have their help with the wedding. FI and I can travel and go on amazing trips for the rest of our lives.
I have suggested to my parents to move it to the US and have it near my hometown. But since the save-the-dates have already gone out and people have started to buy plane tickets to Italy it is a little late for that.
Another question...FI has asked if I want to go with him tomorrow evening. My thoughts are that it is between him and his parents (I am the one that talks financials with my parents) and I get pretty emotional talking about the frustrations of this and really don't want to cry in front of them. My mom thinks its not such a big deal if I do break down in front of them so that maybe they'll see how stressful it all is and not just think we are being demanding, etc. They will also probably be speaking in Danish so his mother can understand most of it and I understand very little Danish and would feel awkward. Sooo....should I go or stay at home?
i very much feel you on having future in laws who are way more formal than your family! i think that you have a very reasonable argument for them to contribute more, especially since his mother wouldn't let you hire a planner. that may be an idea you want to revisit--having someone who has your interests in mind who can act as your advocate to vendors and speak both languages. it may cost more, but would give you more peace of mind and could save you money by locking in contracts.
if i were you, i would go. you want them to see you and fi as a team. that way too, you stay on top of where the conversation is--my fi had a conversation with his parents last weekend about our rehearsal dinner plans and i wasn't there, and it's driving me crazy that i don't know exactly what happened! also, i agree that it's not a bad thing for them to see you break down--that way they know how their actions are affecting you and that it's not just a money issue.
Do you know what the typical Danish marriage culture is (i.e. parents paying for the wedding)? Did his parents initially agree to pay half the wedding costs, or did they just say they would contribute? I think these little details are important when trying to "negotiate" with them.
The lassize faire attitude about the vendors and such may also be a cultural difference. My XH was French and there are so many small subtle cultural differences that come up that one doesn't even think of. Not saying that it's okay if it stresses you out, but IF that is part of the issue then there's really nothing you can do to change that part.
As for the meeting with the parents, I would not go myself. I do think that is between the person and their parents.
Ok...FI is headed to dinner with his parents. Keep your fingers crossed for me :) After tonight we'll just take things one step at a time depending on how things go.
I am not positive about the Danish culture for weddings. His mom eluded to the fact early on that the groom's parents pay for the honeymoon and the bride's bouquet (which the groom would pick out...eek! Which is all very nice if this wedding was black and white and didn't have other circumstances :)
I guess I could be a little more understanding of them being were set in the traditional role of bride's parents pay for X and groom's parents pay for Y if they had contributed anything to their daughter's wedding. She had a gorgeous wedding in Sweden held in a castle with all the trimmings because her husband (who is a semi-celebrity olympian here in Sweden) paid for everything...and it wasn't for lack of money on FI's parents part...FBIL didn't want the parents to have any say or opinion on anything. And FMIL always goes on and on about what FSIL did and we should do that, etc, etc....NEWS FLASH...I'm American and I want to have some (not all) American traditions in OUR wedding :)
Thanks for all the support everyone! There is a happy ending to this story :)
FI's parents are going to pay for half the venue, music, and flowers!! They were very understanding and just want us to have a beautiful wedding. I'm such a lucky girl to have a wonderful FI and everything working out so well!
@MissDane...I'm SO Happy to hear it worked out good for everyone! I'm glad they were understanding and can take some pressure off of you and your family. I can't wait to see pictures of your sure to be gorgeous wedding!!
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Just before writing this I was responding to another post and started to go off on a tangent before realizing I just need to write this elsewhere and get it out of my system and not hijack someone else's post with my problem
Right now we are in negotiations (sounds terrible but that is really how his parents operate) to have Fi's parents contribute more financially to the entire wedding.
Part of this has to do with cultural differences (I am American and FI is Danish) and part has to do with two very different families (mine is very close, open and loving...his is very proper, stiff and not very open....and I'm not just saying this because I love my family dearly, my FI agrees)
A little back story, I have a very large family and group of close friends in the US. FI's family is very small, most don't talk on a regular basis, and have a very different view of the role close family friendships play in a family event, ie weddings, celebrations, etc. When we were trying to decide where to have the wedding his parents really pushed for Italy (his mom is half Italian and they have a home near our location). They used the reasoning that if it was in the US then 99% of the guests would be mine and 1% his. So my parents asked for price, etc to hold a wedding where they were suggesting...sounded like a great deal! Now it will be 2/3 my guests, 1/3 his.
We made the decision in March 2009 and started full speed ahead with planning...thinking "wow...what a fairytale"! Fast forward to today...we have sent save-the-dates, put up a website, etc...and the price has nearly doubled!!! I asked his parents many, many times to get a quote in writing from our venue and they kept putting me off....saying "its Italy, their word is good, you are planning way too far in advance...blah blah blah". And now the wedding has gotten exponentially more expensive for my parents (as in double the original quote!) and the most infuriating part is every time his parents come back with a price for a vendor the first words out of their mouth is "its very reasonable!" (which to me is very subjective)
A little more backtracking...initially I wanted to hire a wedding planner to help with vendors (finding reasonable ones and communicate with non-English speaking ones) and paperwork (I have posted about this before but being American, marrying a Dane, in Italy, in a Catholic ceremony creates a lot of paperwork!) His mother was appalled and said she could handle the vendors down there...ok, I will save my parents €1000 and let my FMIL feel included, etc. Wrong decision again, their initial feelings of "there's plenty of time to get things done" is blowing up in my face. We are 6 months out and have nothing in writing from any of the vendors we have lined up (including the venue, though I am 100% positive we have the place, just not 100% positive the price won't go up again!)
So long story short (or not very short I guess) is that my FI is sitting down with his parents tomorrow night to visit with them about contributing more towards the wedding. Please tell me if this is a reasonable request to them (and I'm using rounded estimates about prices in euros at the moment) I hope this makes sense!
Wedding costs:
Venue (rooms, meals, church) €15,000
Music (string quartet for ceremony & cocktail hr) € 1,100
Flowers (don't have a quote from florist yet)
Total= €16,100 for the two families to split (€8,050 each + whatever the florist costs)
Brides family:
Grooms family:
That is what we are approaching his family with. I know my side will have the majority of the guests but the wedding is being held in Italy to accomodate his side (though it is still a dream of a wedding for me...I'm not complaining about that!) On another note, his parents did not have to pay a dime towards his sister's wedding 2 yrs ago, her husband paid for the entire thing so they wouldn't have to deal with input from FI's family. My FI is their only other child and their only son, they have plenty of money (much much more than my upper-middle class parents). I know some of you may say that his parents don't have to pay anything towards our wedding but they were a big part in deciding the location and I don't want my parents to have to suffer or be strained financially because of decisions his parents weighed in heavily on.
I know this has gotten long (very sorry about that!) I just really needed to get it out and see what other people's thoughts are that are removed from the situation. I am very lucky to have a FI that sees the situation as it is and agrees with me. I hate complaining to him or even mentioning it very much because I know it hurts his feelings to see how my parents do everything in their power to make sure we are happy and then sees how almost cold his parents are (I know they love us dearly but I guess just show it differently) Now will just have to see how the "negotiations" go...
xo