- 8 years ago
- Wedding: June 2010
Just before writing this I was responding to another post and started to go off on a tangent before realizing I just need to write this elsewhere and get it out of my system and not hijack someone else’s post with my problem
Right now we are in negotiations (sounds terrible but that is really how his parents operate) to have Fi’s parents contribute more financially to the entire wedding.
Part of this has to do with cultural differences (I am American and FI is Danish) and part has to do with two very different families (mine is very close, open and loving…his is very proper, stiff and not very open….and I’m not just saying this because I love my family dearly, my FI agrees)
A little back story, I have a very large family and group of close friends in the US. FI’s family is very small, most don’t talk on a regular basis, and have a very different view of the role close family friendships play in a family event, ie weddings, celebrations, etc. When we were trying to decide where to have the wedding his parents really pushed for Italy (his mom is half Italian and they have a home near our location). They used the reasoning that if it was in the US then 99% of the guests would be mine and 1% his. So my parents asked for price, etc to hold a wedding where they were suggesting…sounded like a great deal! Now it will be 2/3 my guests, 1/3 his.
We made the decision in March 2009 and started full speed ahead with planning…thinking “wow…what a fairytale”! Fast forward to today…we have sent save-the-dates, put up a website, etc…and the price has nearly doubled!!! I asked his parents many, many times to get a quote in writing from our venue and they kept putting me off….saying “its Italy, their word is good, you are planning way too far in advance…blah blah blah”. And now the wedding has gotten exponentially more expensive for my parents (as in double the original quote!) and the most infuriating part is every time his parents come back with a price for a vendor the first words out of their mouth is “its very reasonable!” (which to me is very subjective)
A little more backtracking…initially I wanted to hire a wedding planner to help with vendors (finding reasonable ones and communicate with non-English speaking ones) and paperwork (I have posted about this before but being American, marrying a Dane, in Italy, in a Catholic ceremony creates a lot of paperwork!) His mother was appalled and said she could handle the vendors down there…ok, I will save my parents €1000 and let my FMIL feel included, etc. Wrong decision again, their initial feelings of “there’s plenty of time to get things done” is blowing up in my face. We are 6 months out and have nothing in writing from any of the vendors we have lined up (including the venue, though I am 100% positive we have the place, just not 100% positive the price won’t go up again!)
So long story short (or not very short I guess) is that my FI is sitting down with his parents tomorrow night to visit with them about contributing more towards the wedding. Please tell me if this is a reasonable request to them (and I’m using rounded estimates about prices in euros at the moment) I hope this makes sense!
Venue (rooms, meals, church) €15,000
Music (string quartet for ceremony & cocktail hr) € 1,100
Flowers (don’t have a quote from florist yet)
Total= €16,100 for the two families to split (€8,050 each + whatever the florist costs)
- €1000 stationary (std’s, invites, postage, calligraphy)
- €6000 flights from US (4 family members, priest)
- €300 cake
- €1000 bus to and from Rome airport for guests
- + 7 additional nights at location (grooms family has house nearby so they don’t have to worry about this cost)
- Total= €8,300 + additional nights
- €2000 photographer
- X amount for honeymoon
That is what we are approaching his family with. I know my side will have the majority of the guests but the wedding is being held in Italy to accomodate his side (though it is still a dream of a wedding for me…I’m not complaining about that!) On another note, his parents did not have to pay a dime towards his sister’s wedding 2 yrs ago, her husband paid for the entire thing so they wouldn’t have to deal with input from FI’s family. My FI is their only other child and their only son, they have plenty of money (much much more than my upper-middle class parents). I know some of you may say that his parents don’t have to pay anything towards our wedding but they were a big part in deciding the location and I don’t want my parents to have to suffer or be strained financially because of decisions his parents weighed in heavily on.
I know this has gotten long (very sorry about that!) I just really needed to get it out and see what other people’s thoughts are that are removed from the situation. I am very lucky to have a FI that sees the situation as it is and agrees with me. I hate complaining to him or even mentioning it very much because I know it hurts his feelings to see how my parents do everything in their power to make sure we are happy and then sees how almost cold his parents are (I know they love us dearly but I guess just show it differently) Now will just have to see how the “negotiations” go…