(Closed) Whew…needed to get this off my chest (long)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5755 posts
Bee Keeper

I may be wrong,but from what you’ve written,it sounds like his parents were pushing for Italy so they would have the advantage of staying in their own home while there,thereby cutting down on their own expenses. Is that a correct assumption or am I way off base?

I really have come to the conclusion that many people only use the etiquette card when its to their advantage,especially when it comes to wedding expenses. If his family,when presented with this plan says No,then what? Its all on your parents or will you & FI be contributing as well?

Post # 4
Member
3576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I have to agree with @smyley.  If his parents pushed for Italy and this is where it’s happening then definitely should be contributing more.  And how easy for them that they have a house there?!  No hotel expenses for them. 

I think your FI has every right to ask them to buck up.  I would also explain, yet again, your concerns with nailing down these vendors.  It’s stressful enough and knowing your vendors are locked in will relieve some of that.

Let us know what happens.

Post # 5
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think it’s not unreasonable at all for your FI to ask his parents to contribute. It sounds like they pushed for a wedding in Italy and wanted input on the wedding (instead of hiring a coordinator) and aren’t putting up any money to help? I know it’s customary for the brides family to pay but times are changing and things are much more expensive now a days! I used a currency converter (don’t know euros!) and just the location alone is over $21k, FIL’s should def help out since your parents are already paying a lot to fly over, lodging etc.

Good luck and let us know what FIL’s say to your FI.

Post # 7
Member
3576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Trust me, you don’t sound like a spoiled brat.  It’s a legitimate concern.  And Soon2beeMrsM is right.  Times are changing and everyone contributes to a wedding nowadays.  It’s not just the bride’s family.

Post # 8
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think you’re being more than reasonable.  And I’d go as far as to say that since they were the ones to push for Italy, they should be more financially responsible.  Obviously you can’t come out and say that, and it seems that’s not the way that it would play out but in a perfect world, that’s how I feel it should happen.  Good luck, keep up posted about how his conversation goes tonight!

Post # 9
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Ouch this sounds complicated.  I would bring up the number they originally quoted as the price of the wedding and say (as many times a necessary to sink in) we were planning on wedding X but now it cost Y amount.  That’s a lot of money for us.  We can’t have this wedding anymore.  I’m so sorry, I guess I didn’t make it clear when we talked initially that budget is limited and that we’re relying on your estimate.  So sorry.  You did tell us it would cost much less.  Do you think you’d like to contribute to this wedding?  I think we’ll have to move the wedding and have a different wedding otherwise. 

You can always move the wedding to a less expensive location and be able to afford it between you and your family.  Unless his family really steps up it sounds like relying on them will be a disaster.

Post # 10
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Also maybe add “I’m so stressed out and worried about our guests, I don’t have a single contract, you know how American’s are about contracts, I just haven’t been able to enjoy wedding planning so far *sad face*, I’m just so stressed and miserable, I wish there was a way to have things be more nailed down, this is terrible.  I know I know it’s cultural but it’s so hard on me, almost seems so much easier to elope.”  ๐Ÿ˜›

Post # 11
Member
1392 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - Heron Hill Winery

I agree with other posts….you are being more than reasonable and I think since they pushed for Italy they should pay the extra costs that are included…I worry it almost sounds that they are using the wedding as an excuse to have a family reunion and vacation.  I hope you can get this figured out soon and think that you should address the issue immediately before it’s too late.  You wouldn’t want to have recent towards your inlaws for years because of it.

Post # 12
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I think it is 100% reasonable for you to expect his parents to help more considering their position and the way things have played out. EXCEPT– i don’t really see them paying for the honeymoon. The honeymoon should always be the responsibility of the couple, in my opinion, unless it is given freely as a gift. I don’t see it as part of the “wedding package” that needs to be paid for by the parents— especially bc the parents are paying for everything else. 

Post # 14
Member
2462 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

i very much feel you on having future in laws who are way more formal than your family! i think that you have a very reasonable argument for them to contribute more, especially since his mother wouldn’t let you hire a planner. that may be an idea you want to revisit–having someone who has your interests in mind who can act as your advocate to vendors and speak both languages. it may cost more, but would give you more peace of mind and could save you money by locking in contracts.

if i were you, i would go. you want them to see you and fi as a team. that way too, you stay on top of where the conversation is–my fi had a conversation with his parents last weekend about our rehearsal dinner plans and i wasn’t there, and it’s driving me crazy that i don’t know exactly what happened! also, i agree that it’s not a bad thing for them to see you break down–that way they know how their actions are affecting you and that it’s not just a money issue.

Post # 15
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Do you know what the typical Danish marriage culture is (i.e. parents paying for the wedding)? Did his parents initially agree to pay half the wedding costs, or did they just say they would contribute? I think these little details are important when trying to “negotiate” with them.

The lassize faire attitude about the vendors and such may also be a cultural difference. My XH was French and there are so many small subtle cultural differences that come up that one doesn’t even think of. Not saying that it’s okay if it stresses you out, but IF that is part of the issue then there’s really nothing you can do to change that part.

As for the meeting with the parents, I would not go myself. I do think that is between the person and their parents.

 

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