Post # 1
Hello, let me ask a question. My FI and I have taken a two-month break because he doesn’t feel ready to settle down and got nervous about our wedding preperations because they remind him of permanence. We’ve already postponed the wedding. We’ve been dating for six years. We talked on the phone today about our options. If my FI wants to get back together because he loves me, thinks we can work, and wants to get married someday to me, but is afraid to for fear that he will have doubts again about being ready to settle down, which of these two options is best for long-term success?
1. Break up – maybe get together later if/when he feels ready to settle down or knows I’m “the one”
2. Try again – start slowly with a councelor and try our best to make things work by getting to know each other again as if starting a new relationship without he pressure yet of being engaged until we/he feels ready and if it doesn’t work break up
I added this as a poll.
Post # 3
Hi there, so sorry to hear you are having problems. I think the best option is to try again now. I think the councillor option is a really great one, you can both talk through the problems you are having, learn from it and hopefully come out better and stronger because of it.
However, the only thing you haven’t mentioned is how YOU feel. This has to be the deciding factor. What is your heart telling you?
Post # 4
If you are ok never getting married, I’d say try again.
If you know you want to get married, I’d break up.
Post # 5
@kaetia: My heart wants to try. I’m just worried about him. He wants to make it work and keeps saying he wishes he just didn’t have the fear of having doubts as to whether he’s ready again. This is the second time he has had doubts. When we tried to make it work, they came back – probably because we rushed into things. He thinks there’s something wrong with him. He knows I’m what he’s looking for, but says he wishes he had met me a year or two from now…can slowly working on a relationship over the course of six months or more make him feel ready? Do I need to set him free…is that the only way for him to realize I’m the best thing in his life and he wants to keep me forever?
Post # 6
I’m sorry this has happened to you, such a difficult decision.
I read your old posts, and to be honest the information you gave about your discussion wasn’t enough to make the vote.
We are engaged, and still have doubts sometimes about SPECIFIC THINGS if we can ever work things out (my tempers, his laziness in house works etc.), and we try to work things out TOGETHER, but separating from each other is never an opion for us. If his doubts were just rational such as “I dont feel happiness with you all the times or most of the times”, he maybe just “not that into you”, I dont think his willingness to change will help.
I saw two red flags in your all posts that unless these things change, at some points your relationship wont work.
- He had doubts about your relationship, and instead of trying to work things out, he at some point, chose an unfaithful way, and consider to live his life without you, and with somebody else. I think the base thing for any marriage is the two must want another person in their life all the times.
- He saw a therapist and she said he basically can’t ignore his doubts and pretend everything is okay. Pretending everything is ok is a red flag there as well. Things wont work out by themself if both of you accept there are PROBLEMS that need to fix. I had similar problem before, and thankfully I posted in weddingbee before, and realized our problem was that I always tried to ignore them, and pretended they were ok, these things wont vanish by themself, they require commitments and working through them.
Maybe reading through this to see if he is the right person for you or not, and consider if you should spend more times for him. Six years are long enough to waste for a person that can’t make commitment in a relationship.
Post # 7
I would say unless you’re ok with not getting married/things staying the same and you feel it would make you happy to just be with him, do it. I wouldn’t get back together with him unless he knows its what he wants. Getting to know you again?… you’ve been dating for six years, you have history…
I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time with this. Make a decision that works for you, don’t base it on feeling bad for him.