Post # 1
So I have a biological father and a step father.
Biological FatherMy biological father was incarcerated for 20 yrs…drug habit, robbery, blah, blah, blah. Anyways, I re-met him 5 yrs ago and although its too late to be a father, at least he tried. I dont really talk to him that often now (I dont really call and he probably thinks I dont wanna be bothered – kinda dont), but I since I’m his only child, I wanted him to be a part of my ceremony.
Step FatherMy step father has been in my life for 22 years. He’s there, and I respect him for being the man in the house, but he has been emotionally absent for the majority of my life.
In all, I really dont feel that close to either fathers. I’m not exactly the “daddy’s” girl. Subsequently, my idea was to have both fathers walk me down the aisle to avoid anyone feeling slighted.
Then my mom says, she cant stomach seeing my biological dad walk me down the aisle. I repeated that my idea was that both fathers would take part. Then she’s like, “but he has done nothing for you” and I’m like “how much can a person in jail/on drugs do?” Still, she insists that she and my step father should walk me down the aisle.
A few days ago, my mom basically told me to let her know if the biological father would be in the ceremony before she started spending money on my wedding. Basically saying that she would not help pay for anything if my biological father walked me down the aisle. Again, my idea is to have both fathers walk me down the aisle.
I’m thinking about walking my damn self down the aisle. Its about the principle at this point. I dont care about either fathers walking me down but I really despise someone using money as a means to get their way….for my event….which I’m am spending the most money on. I have budgetted my wedding to avoid needing outside money (from my mom).
What’s your take on my situation?
Post # 3
I think if your step dad raised you, then he should walk you down the aisle if having someone walk you down is important to you.
Some couples walk in together to avoid the whole tradition.
If you want your bio dad to be a part of the ceremony, then let him do a reading.
Your mother is wrong to tell you that she won’t pay for anything if bio dad is a part of the ceremony. She needs to put her personal feelings aside and support whatever decision you make.
Post # 4
Do you have any interest in your mother walking you down the isle either with your step-dad or alone? I think that could be a very nice gesture if you and she are close. I can see how your mother is not happy you want to include your bio-dad if he was in jail for most of your life. He made some bad decisions which led to her raising you without help from him so I can see how she would not like to see him have the honor of “giving you away” even if it is shared with your stepdad, most likely, she is feeling left out.
The $ thing is tricky. I don’t agree that anyone should use their monetary gift as a way to make decisions about your ceremony. On the other hand, if your dad is not contributing financially it’s not an equal situation and he gets the fun part while she foots the bill. I think you’Re best to just budget with out her contribution since you are paying the majority of the bills anyway and just tell her she can give you a gift if she would like but you prefer to pay for the wedding upfront in order to make independent decisions.
Post # 5
My situation is so similar to you. My biological father has just been rather absent doesn’t put in much effort so neither do I.
I’m having my Mum walk me down the aisle as I see she’s been the person who’s brought me up.
Post # 6
I’m in sort of a similar sitution and one of my besties was as well. My dad and I fought like hell/didn’t speak to one another for most of the first 27 years of my life. Over the last few years though, we’ve come to terms with eachother and have become friends (though I don’t expect anything fatherly from him).
My stepdad, who has been in my life since I was 5, is my hero. However, when it came to the wedding my dad asked if he could walk me down the aisle. I was so torn because in my heart my stepdad is my dad, but he was gracious enough to say he didn’t mind. They’ve both been helpful paying for the wedding, but being crazy independent and not wanting to hurt anyone I wanted to walk by myself. My mom pitched a fit at that (she’s not crazy about my bio dad) and threatened the same thing as yours did, so I now have both of them walking me. I’m ok with that, but I can see why it would be a more difficult decision for someone whose situation is different. I am also dancing with both of them during the reception.
My friend, however, didn’t meet her dad until 5-6 years ago and was brought up by her mom. She made the decision early on to walk by herself, but danced with both her bio dad (to a non-sappy song) AND her mom at the wedding. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house when she and her mom danced.
Wishing you the best of luck with this decision! I hope your mom comes around to whatever you decide is right for you to do because in the long run it’s you who needs to not have any regrets about your wedding. Good luck!
Post # 7
Did your fathers request that they walk you down the aisle or say anything regarding your ceremony? I ask this question because you stated you didn’t want anyone feeling slighted in regards to who is walking you down the aisle. If your fathers don’t care and you don’t care, why can’t you walk down alone? Does the fact that your mother is contributing some money to the wedding have anything to do with it? I know it’s your mother, but it is your wedding do what make you happy.
Post # 8
You might be able to use both of them. What about having your bio dad walk you halfway to your step dad, and your step dad take you to the alter, or the other way around? That way they both get to play a part in the wedding and both get to do the traditional “walking the bride” thing. Just a thought. Good luck in whatever you decide!
Post # 9
I agree that having your mom walk you down the aisle may solve the dilema. My dad is not walking me down the aisle because our relationship is very estranged. However, he will be there (I hope).
If mom is holding you hostage with money, then maybe you should just let your stepdad do it if it does not have meaning to you. Sometimes it is better to simply keep peace in the family. It is not fair, but who needs the stresss. Right?
Post # 10
My step father has not said anything. I think that my stepdad is passive aggressive. I feel that if my mom is against it, he must have said something to her…or maybe she is trying to avoid hurting his feelings so she is pushing this agenda on her own. It can literally go both ways.
My bio father said that it was totally my choice, and he would be fine either way. That makes things a lot easier but the thing is my family is known for holding grudges. For instance, my grandma told my bio dad that he would never see me…knowing my family, I really think she meant it. I dont want to hold a 20 yr grudge. I just dont want to slight anyone…not my step dad or my bio dad, thats why my preference was for both of them to walk me down the aisle…Now I am reconsidering that…which is the reason for this post.
If I plan my wedding without my mom’s financial help, about 50 of my family members (cousins) will be excluded. I’m fine with that.
My mom actually thought of that option…but then she said that she couldnt stomach my bio father in the wedding at all.
Post # 11
Thanks for all your responses! I’m sure that even if I decide to walk myself down the aisle, my mom is gonna make it a big deal anyway. *kanye shrug*
I’ll update you guys when I make a decision.
Post # 12
I hope this all works out. I think I would walk myself down the aisle! I would just tell anyone who wanted to know that they will see when I come down the aisle that day.
Post # 13
it sounds like you’re pretty independent and don’t have the sort of parental support that warrants walking you down the aisle. I’d walk alone if I were you. Include your family in other ways.
If mom is using money as a weopon over this, it will just continue with all the other decisions that need to be made.
Post # 14
Didnt have the exact situation… but my sister couldnt choose between biological father who has made some huge mistakes and was there and the man that basically raised her… She asked my mom. it was actually really beautiful and special. I on the other hand, am VERY close with our step father, and the last to get married. I didnt want him to miss out on walking his daughter down the isle, but I couldnt choose him and not ask my dad so I will have both. i dont know what your situation is with your mom but maybe that would be an option. What about a grandfather or a brother?