Post # 1
I just recently wrote about how my SO after months of not knowing what he wanted to do brought up buying a house together and getting married. Of course I was thrilled, I am currently living in his house where he lived with his ex so of course I want soemthing that we can go into together. However I did stress that I wouldnt go into this financially without being married, but I have also been tossing around the idean that being engaged was ok too, because we both found a property that we have fallen in love with and would like to jump on it ASAP. He basically responded with “Well, you know I am going to marry you, think about the possibilites of growing our family and the memories we will have here.” Well yeah okay. How about making that official?? I tried further elaborating but he just seemed to get uncomfortable after that so I just dropped it. This morning he mentioned since I have reservations, he will put everything in his name since he doesnt want to miss this opportunity. I was crushed.
I want to help him achevie this dream more than anything…I love him with all my heart, but I just can’t financially go into this without at least an engagement…I dont want him to have to do this on his own…if he puts it in my name, we will have a lower interest rate, ideally we would get married after purchasing the property, but I’m just scared. I can’t go into this without a formal committment from him. And I am just confused as to why he wants to but a property with me before engagement and marriage…I just dont see things working out that way.
I thought about sitting him down and saying we could wait for a wedding and buy the property, that I would just need an engagement to settle my fears. I just wish we could mutually agree on this, but I am worried that he’ll want to use the money (which he claims he’s been saving since January for my ring) towards home the purchase instead of a ring. Is it fair for me to sacrifice my dream for his own and just tag along for the ride?? What would you do?
Thanks for reading 🙂
Post # 3
Do not buy a house before at least a formal engagement. It is only fair. My two cents.
Post # 4
@puplelishious: I totally agree. If thats the case, and he decides he wants to make the purchase on his own, where does that leave me?? Being the live in g/f for the next 10 years in the house we are supposed to be raising our family in?? I just cant go by words, actions speak so much louder.
I just want to know if anyone would walk if he decides to buy the house on his own and offers no engagement. I love him and Om not ready do do that, but I want to make sure my own dreams are fulfilled too.
Post # 5
Btw, I’m 28 and he will be 30 in Sept, I have been strung along in 2 relationships before this and I have no patience for cat and mouse games at this point…I have done so much sacrificing in the past. I am willing to agree and compromise on things but not put my dream on the back burner while he achieves his own…I want us to achieve our dreams together, ya know??
Post # 6
@Aklove: Is he dead set on buying this house? Honestly, I wouldn’t have even started looking at houses before an engagement. Maybe you guys can hold off until you’re more “established” and can do it together.
I do know two girls who bought houses with their SOs before engagement (a distant relative and a former coworker). Both of them eventually got engaged, but it took a good 3+ years after the house purchase and a lot of resentment. I would never do it.
Post # 7
@Aklove: Yeah, be prepared to be the live-in girlfriend for an indeterminate amount of time if you buy a house with this guy. It concerns me the most that he gets uncomfortable when you mention it. That shouldn;t be that way.
If I were you, I would kind of step back and give fewer opinions about the situation for now. See what he does ON HIS OWN. He knows how you feel about this already as you’ve explicitly told him. If his answer is to put everything in his name to avoid proposing to you, well, you have your answer. Maybe it’s time to think pretty carefully about HIS visions for the future.
By the way, he’d be doing you a favor if he put everything into his name if you decide to continue to live together without a commitment. At least you wouldn;t be financially entangled with him! I’m not sure I could continue to live with the guy after something like that, though.
Post # 8
If he buys the house on his own, that is OK. You can still be his gf. After you marry him, you will be half owner (unless you two sign a prenup), so you can both still share your life/dreams together.
I think that if he is ready to be your husband and have a family, then he needs to propose and start things the right way. Why buy a house with you if he doesn’t even know where things are going? If he knows where things are going, then man-up and propose. I hope he understands that.
Do not buy a house with him before you are engaged. My two cents.
Post # 9
@Aklove: You didn’t say how long you have been together, so my advice might be different based on that. However, I wouldn’t make him choose between the house and you, if this is his dream house. I agree it probably wasn’t the best idea to seriously look for a house before being engaged, but it’s already done. Tell him you will support him if he chooses to buy the house, but that you will not sign the contract, and I would suggest not moving in with him either. It sounds like he has decided he is ready for marriage, but has conflicting priorities at this point. Don’t make him choose you over another priority, as you may force him into a decision you don’t like. If you make it clear you will support him, but you won’t sacrifice what you believe by moving in/signing the contract, he may realize that he wants you more than the house. Or maybe you’ll have to wait a few months for him to realize that. But don’t try to force him into buying you a ring instead of a house, don’t tell him how to spend his money. Give him six months, and if no ring, talk then.
Post # 10
@Aklove: Yeah I think you can put your foot down if you want to. A good family friend bought a house with his girl friend. They got engaged. And then they broke up. Woops. I have no idea what they did with that house… But oy I would not want to deal with that if that happened! Yeah if it were my Fiance I would be all up in his face and like “Ummm… NO. I’m not doing that. I simply can’t do that.” I realize ultimatums are unfair… but he’s being really unfair.
Post # 11
@Aklove: I think u have your answer. He is not willimg to put a ring on it. I really would consider couinseling for yourself. Its unlikely itds just coincidence that the last 3 guys youve chosen have been unwilling to fully commit to you. Definitely would not buy a house with him. I would not move to the new placw with him either. Would stop acting like a wife since he wont make u one. good luck, keep us posted.
Post # 12
I’m kindof in agreement with @gemgirl here. It’s a little harsh but true. You’re in a destructive pattern here with men who won’t pull the trigger. I would pinpoint why this is with a professional.
I’ve had the same type of history so I’m coming from a genuine place. The glaringly bright red flag here is that he knows you want a serious commitment first before buying a home. But his first suggestion was to put everything in his name. Not ease your worries with a confirmation of getting engaged first.
Instead he’s uncomfortable discussing it. I would take a step back and reassess this situation. Did you live with your previous exes? How long have you been dating your SO
Post # 14
If getting married is truly the most important thing to you, I would definitely NOT buy a house with him before getting engaged with a wedding date solidified (I’m talking down payment). I won’t even move in with my SO until these conditions are met. I’m sorry, but I agree with the PP’s about his response being very telling of his true intentions.
Post # 15
I agree with most of the PPs. But…you do not want someone to propose to you with or without a date out of a feeling of obligation. More than likely if he did it would not be a sincere engagement. He would keep postponing or stalling and you would become angry and resentful with him and yourself for not following your first mind.
Accept that he does not want to marry you and move on.
Learn how to recognize the difference between a man who is worthy of you and one who is unworthy. One who is worthy cannot do enough to demonstrate how you are number one to him. The other expects you to constantly run after him without full reciprocation.
He is presenting you with an ultimatum. His ultimatum is, settle for less or else. Take it or leave it. I say leave it.
Post # 16
@Aklove: I am so sorry that your SO raised your hopes before crushing them like that! Perhaps he was hurt you didn’t share his enthusiasm and lashed out a bit. It is very important to support your loved ones and help them achieve their dreams. Does he do this for you? It sounds trite, but the proof is in the pudding. If you love the way he loves you, help him through the move and perhaps even continue to live together. Should you get engaged and then married, you can always re-finance the home once your assets are joined. In the meantime, keep good care of yourself and advance your non-wedding related dreams while your relationship develops. Waiting is really difficult IMO, but you don’t want to paint yourself into a financial or emotional corner.