Whirlwind of confusing emotions! What would you do?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Do not buy a house before at least a formal engagement.  It is only fair. My two cents.

Post # 6
Member
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

 @Aklove:  Is he dead set on buying this house? Honestly, I wouldn’t have even started looking at houses before an engagement. Maybe you guys can hold off until you’re more “established” and can do it together.

I do know two girls who bought houses with their SOs before engagement (a distant relative and a former coworker). Both of them eventually got engaged, but it took a good 3+ years after the house purchase and a lot of resentment. I would never do it.

Post # 7
Member
1340 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Aklove:  Yeah, be prepared to be the live-in girlfriend for an indeterminate amount of time if you buy a house with this guy. It concerns me the most that he gets uncomfortable when you mention it. That shouldn;t be that way.

If I were you, I would kind of step back and give fewer opinions about the situation for now. See what he does ON HIS OWN. He knows how you feel about this already as you’ve explicitly told him. If his answer is to put everything in his name to avoid proposing to you, well, you have your answer. Maybe it’s time to think pretty carefully about HIS visions for the future. 

By the way, he’d be doing you a favor if he put everything into his name if you decide to continue to live together without a commitment. At least you wouldn;t be financially entangled with him! I’m not sure I could continue to live with the guy after something like that, though.

Post # 8
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

If he buys the house on his own, that is OK.  You can still be his gf.  After you marry him, you will be half owner (unless you two sign a prenup), so you can both still share your life/dreams together.

I think that if he is ready to be your husband and have a family, then he needs to propose and start things the right way. Why buy a house with you if he doesn’t even know where things are going?  If he knows where things are going, then man-up and propose.   I hope he understands that.

 

Do not buy a house with him before you are engaged.   My two cents.

Post # 9
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

@Aklove: You didn’t say how long you have been together, so my advice might be different based on that. However, I wouldn’t make him choose between the house and you, if this is his dream house.  I agree it probably wasn’t the best idea to seriously look for a house before being engaged, but it’s already done.  Tell him you will support him if he chooses to buy the house, but that you will not sign the contract, and I would suggest not moving in with him either.  It sounds like he has decided he is ready for marriage, but has conflicting priorities at this point.  Don’t make him choose you over another priority, as you may force him into a decision you don’t like.  If you make it clear you will support him, but you won’t sacrifice what you believe by moving in/signing the contract, he may realize that he wants you more than the house. Or maybe you’ll have to wait a few months for him to realize that.  But don’t try to force him into buying you a ring instead of a house, don’t tell him how to spend his money.  Give him six months, and if no ring, talk then.

 

Post # 10
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Aklove:  Yeah I think you can put your foot down if you want to. A good family friend bought a house with his girl friend. They got engaged. And then they broke up. Woops. I have no idea what they did with that house… But oy I would not want to deal with that if that happened! Yeah if it were my FI I would be all up in his face and like “Ummm… NO. I’m not doing that. I simply can’t do that.” I realize ultimatums are unfair… but he’s being really unfair. 

Post # 11
Member
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1997

@Aklove:  I think u have your answer. He is not willimg to put a ring on it. I really would consider couinseling for yourself. Its unlikely itds just coincidence that the last 3 guys youve chosen have been unwilling to fully commit to you.  Definitely would not buy a house with him. I would not move to the new placw with him either. Would stop acting like a wife since he wont make u one. good luck, keep us posted.

Post # 12
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

I’m kindof in agreement with @gemgirl here. It’s a little harsh but true. You’re in a destructive pattern here with men who won’t pull the trigger. I would pinpoint why this is with a professional.

I’ve had the same type of history so I’m coming from a genuine place. The glaringly bright red flag here is that he knows you want a serious commitment first before buying a home. But his first suggestion was to put everything in his name. Not ease your worries with a confirmation of getting engaged first.

Instead he’s uncomfortable discussing it. I would take a step back and reassess this situation. Did you live with your previous exes? How long have you been dating your SO

Post # 14
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2015

If getting married is truly the most important thing to you, I would definitely NOT buy a house with him before getting engaged with a wedding date solidified (I’m talking down payment).  I won’t even move in with my SO until these conditions are met.  I’m sorry, but I agree with the PP’s about his response being very telling of his true intentions.

Post # 15
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I agree with most of the PPs.  But…you do not want someone to propose to you with or without a date out of a feeling of obligation.  More than likely if he did it would not be a sincere engagement. He would keep postponing or stalling and you would become angry and resentful with him and yourself for not following your first mind.

Accept that he does not want to marry you and move on.

Learn how to recognize the difference between a man who is worthy of you and one who is unworthy.  One who is worthy cannot do enough to demonstrate how you are number one to him.  The other expects you to constantly run after him without full reciprocation.

 

He is presenting you with an ultimatum.  His ultimatum is, settle for less or else.  Take it or leave it.  I say leave it.

 

Post # 16
Member
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@Aklove:  I am so sorry that your SO raised your hopes before crushing them like that! Perhaps he was hurt you didn’t share his enthusiasm and lashed out a bit.  It is very important to support your loved ones and help them achieve their dreams. Does he do this for you? It sounds trite, but the proof is in the pudding. If you love the way he loves you, help him through the move and perhaps even continue to live together. Should you get engaged and then married, you can always re-finance the home once your assets are joined. In the meantime, keep good care of yourself and advance your non-wedding related dreams while your relationship develops. Waiting is really difficult IMO, but you don’t want to paint yourself into a financial or emotional corner. 

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