Post # 1
Hey bees, just need to vent.
So my fiance is usually a very honest person. I trust him when it comes to the big things. Little white lies here and there have begun to take their toll, however. He’ll manipulate a story to rid himself of blame. For example, if he got really pissed off and kicked his shoes off, which broke a window, he’ll conveniently leave out how he was stomping around out of anger and maybe say he just threw his shoes to the side. If he’s 10 minutes late from work he’ll claim he was rushing out some last minute paperwork when in reality he was maybe spending a few minutes talking about a latest tv show with a coworker which made his paperwork late in the first place. He’ll say a woman he finds attractive is “okay” to spare my feelings if I’m being insecure. It’s gotten to the point where I have to question the small details of his story to make sure they make sense.
The latest lie has been really frustrating for me, because it doesn’t seem so little. He took a business trip last week and we really missed each other. About 10 minutes before I leave for the airport I get a call from him sounding really upset. I have an irrational fear about planes and airports so I start to panic when I can tell everything isn’t okay. When he tells me his flight got delayed so he’s going to be a couple hours late I just sigh with relief and continue working on my surprise of having our new apartment all decorated and cleaned up. When I do pick him up I start to ask a few questions about the trip and why the flight was delayed. After certain details start to not make sense I realize he’s not telling the truth about something. Some more pushing determines he missed his flight because he had a drink with some colleagues at the airport bar instead of going to his terminal. So he lied about why he was a couple hours late and attempted to keep the lie up once I picked him up. That really hurt, realizing I’m partnering with someone who would rather lie to me to stay out of trouble instead of manning up about his mistakes to maintain the integrity of our relationship.
Ugh! Does anyone else experience this with their partner? Maybe it’s just a man thing? I’m hoping once he matures this bad habit will eventually disappear. Any tips about how to work through this would be appreciated!
Post # 3
If people will lie about the little things, they will lie about the big things.
I’m not a fan of a liar, no matter the lie.
Post # 4
@rhiannonzdanowicz: Thanks. This is what I’m worried about too. As of now I have no reason to suspect anything major, thankfully.
Post # 5
@chickspartan: I am not condoning lying.
Do you think he lies because he is afraid of telling the truth? Do you grill him about everything he does? Does he feel that he is not allowed to have a drink with colleagues, get behind schedule at work, etc?
I can’t imagine my even wanting to know such details. If he’s late, he’s late. I just appreciate the heads up and would never ask why.
Post # 6
I’m not a fan of accepting “little lies” in a relationship. Trust is a huge issue for me. Although it does sound as if your SO is somewhat immature still because the sort of lying to get out of trouble that he’s doing is what I’d expect from a child. Who I’d expect to grow out of the habit!
Post # 7
@chickspartan: little lies usually grow bigger. You’re experiencing this right now. At this point it wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me but it would warrant serious discussion and some changes.
And if things didn’t change then it woul be a deal breaker.
Trust is a BIG deal, even on the small scale.
Post # 8
@rhiannonzdanowicz: +1. I wouldn’t trust anyone who did this and definitely wouldn’t want them for a partner.
Post # 9
I agree, OP, do you grill him a lot or give him grief on the little things? He’s probably sick of being nagged at and using white lies to avoid confrontation.
These small lies could lead to bigger ones down the road. I would probably address it with him asap before it escalates. Figure out why he lies, and what you can do to help it.
Also, I wouldn’t care about him being 10 min late from work, whatever the circumstance…. and probably won’t care if he missed his flight, things happen. I almost did that once, was finishing up dinner at the airport with collegues and almost missed my flight, lol.
Post # 10
@julies1949: I agree with you. I do wonder if I’m a part of the reason he lies. I think I can be hard on him on some stuff because I’m really big on working through all of our issues. I like to talk through stuff. I won’t ever yell at him for being late but if we only see each other for 2 or 3 hours a night because of work schedules every minute makes a difference. He can definitely have a drink with his friends and I encourage him to do so, but obviously it would have been frustrating if he did so at the expense of catching his flight on time. I don’t think I’m a nagging bitch or anything, but I can work on trying to give him a bit more freedom and not reacting to everything with “we need to talk about this”.
Post # 11
I think these are a little bit bigger than “little white lies.” They show that he has serious issues with taking the blame. There is a big difference from the white lie of telling a sick friend that they are looking better, and lies that are self serving like this.
There must be a root cause. Maybe you don’t over react, but maybe his parents would have. Either way, I would seriously think about therapy for him or both of you, as this shows a much larger issue.
Post # 12
The first lie examples you said…were nada to me…
But this recent one seems like a REAL white lie….if that makes sense? I don’t trust that at all. The word “business meeting” rubs me the wrong way to begin with…thanks to movies and tv shows.
I would have a serious sit down with him…
Post # 13
Nope, I wouldn’t tolerate DH lying to me, and I don’t call these white lies. I think it’s a problem.
Post # 14
@chickspartan: My DH is back east on business as we speak. If he chooses to take a later flight home on Thursday because he wants to visit with his buddies– guys he used to work closely with- then more power to him. He’s an adult and can make his own ararangements to get on another flight.
We trust each other and he will let me know he is coming home later, but I would never ask why.
Post # 15
My FI lies like this to his parents because of the insane amount of guilt tripping and manipulation his mother subjects him to. He also has a tendency to do this to friends and aquaintances because he is insecure and has low self esteem. The only people he doesn’t lie to like this are me and his best man because we’re to only people he feels accept him for who he really is and he doesn’t feel the need to put up a front with us.
The fact that your FI feels the need to put up a front with you is at the very least a yellow flag which could easily become a red flag. It is definitely not ok and something that needs to be worked on. Lack of trust can destroy a relationship very quickly. You guys definitely need to work on your communication and get to the root of why he feels the need for this behavior.
Post # 16
@chickspartan: I will speak from your FI’s point of view, as this is something I used to do when my FI and I were first dating. I would lie about little things to FI every once in awhile, not to get out of trouble, but because I was afraid of disappointing him or having him think I was any less worthy than I wanted him to. It was stupid and it really negatively impacted our relationship, but at the same time, I kept doing it. Why? I don’t know. I am anti-confrontational by nature, so I think sometimes, it was just easier. But then it got to the point where FI was suspicious of things (like you are now) and when he would catch me in a little white lie, it would turn into a HUGE fight.
FI once told me that I didn’t have to worry about disappointing him. He knew me and he loved me, and no minor little thing was going to change that. What WOULD change our relationship was a lack of honesty. I really took that to heart (and considered what I would feel like if HE was the one lying) and haven’t told a white lie since.
Your FI needs to understand how upsetting this is for you, and you need to make it clear to him that, no matter what, the truth is always better than a lie. You also need to make him understand (like my FI did) that nothing he does (within reason, obviously) is going to make you stop loving him or stop respecting him as an equal.
Hope that helps and good luck!