(Closed) Who Brought Up the Money Convo?

posted 5 years ago in Money
  • poll: How was the conversation started?
    FI and I asked parents : (4 votes)
    4 %
    Parents offered to help us : (49 votes)
    54 %
    We paid it all ourselves : (29 votes)
    32 %
    Other (explain) : (8 votes)
    9 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    12568 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    My parents gave me a number on their own.  His did not (and haven’t, to be honest).  FILs are paying for the RD.

    Post # 4
    Member
    529 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    My in-laws offered to help us.

    Post # 5
    Member
    22 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    No one has offered to help us, and I’m pretty sure that will be the way for it. 

    I’m not going to ask anyone because I’m just afraid of the denial. 

    FIL we know will not pay for anything, so we don’t even bother talking wedding to them.

     

    Post # 6
    Member
    7318 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

    We planned to pay for the entire wedding ourselves. As planning moved along, there were certain things that my parents offered to pay or help pay for (e.g. my dress, the newlywed breakfast, etc.). So it was really on an adhoc basis, and we could have comfortably covered those costs on our own if we needed to.

    As a tip, if there will be a parental contribution, make sure to get the cash upfront. I can’t tell you how many bees had well-meaning relatives who promised to contribute money, the Bee based her budget on that promise, and then the promise fell through in the few weeks leading up to the big day. Things happen, finances change, family dynamics change, people get sick/lose jobs/etc. Life happens, so only budget based on the cash you have in your bank account, regardless of its source. Then, if something bad happens, you won’t be stretched thin or need to go into debt to pay for contracts.

    Post # 7
    Member
    3901 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    We were the same as lovekiss. We planned to pay for eveything ourselves (we’re both late 30’s) and as planning went on, people offered to help in various ways – my mom bought my dress, his mom is taking care of the cake, his brother, VERy generously, paid the hire fee for the venue. So it just kind of happened. We never sat down with anyone and specifically brought up money.

    Post # 8
    Member
    671 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    We are just planning to pay it ourselves and if our parents decide to give us some money great, but i would never ask for money.

    Post # 9
    Member
    1549 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    My parents offered us a generous amount, which they said we could use however we wanted. We are having a pretty big wedding, so it covers a majority, and we are paying for the remainder. FI’s parents have offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    1400 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    My mother gave us $5,000 as an “engagement gift.” We used some to travel and to handle our visa case, and we’re using the rest towards our wedding and honeymoon, plus a little of our own money. His mother asked him something about a wedding gift after our engagement, and he said “Well, lanaLnoco’s mom gave us money to help pay for the wedding and visa.” She said that was a good idea, but hasn’t given us anything yet. Maybe she will at the wedding? She’s giving us a place to live rent-free when she could be earning money off of it, though, so she really doesn’t need to do anymore. Wouldn’t turn it down if she did, though :oP

     

    We’re having another wedding once we get to the U.S. (legal/religious reasons), so that one we’ll be paying for on our own, unless we happen to get loads of cash at the first wedding (doubtful!) or someone offers to help pay.

    Post # 11
    Member
    3485 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

    My mom offered the same help she provided for my 2 older siblings. She actually offered this right after we got engaged, and we asked her if she was comfortable with us using her contribution ($3k) to help buy a house, which we wanted to do before we got married, and she was thrilled. 

    My MIL told us she would be writing us a check as a gift, the amount was based on what she could afford divided by 2 (since her daughter got married 3 weeks after us). Turned out she was able to give us $2,000– this was a fabulous surprise going into our honeymoon.  

    MY FIL didn’t offer, and we didn’t ask.  We know if we’d asked he would have paid for the whole thing, but honestly we didn’t want to.  DH’s sister decided she had to get married 3 weeks after us, and he paid for everything for her’s, so we didn’t want to double the pressure on him.  He did however pay for the majority of the meat for our BBQ meal (cooked by a friend, and I prepared all the sides) I was supposed to pay for it, but the day before when I went to pay, they hadn’t weighed everything yet, so I gave them a blank signed check (this is local butcher that we’ve been shopping at for  years, I trust them completely).  Anyway, when he picked it up the morning of the wedding, he convinced them to tear up my check and let him pay.  It was an incredibly generous and unexpected gift.  

    Post # 12
    Member
    6125 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I never asked for any money, nor did anyone offer me any money. 

    I think it’s very presumptuous to ask/bring it up first, if they did not do so first.  And if they have a stash set aside for you, I’m sure it will be brought up without any prodding.

    Then you plan the wedding that you two can afford.  If you get help, then that’s a bonus! 

    Post # 13
    Member
    684 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2010

    My parents offered to help and told the amount they can afford to cotribute. His parents did not offer any contributions but demanded a lot of things for the wedding.

    Post # 14
    Member
    3584 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I would not ask SO’s parents for help.  If they want to help, they’ll offer to pay for the rehearsal dinner.  If not, they won’t.

    Post # 15
    Member
    808 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    I think it depends on your parents and the relationship you have with them.  I went on my own to talk to my parents when I knew the engagement was coming soon.   My parents and I are close, so I knew how to bring the subject up.  I told them I would never expect money from them, I’m a grown woman and all, however if they did help it might move the wedding up a bit and help FI and I.  Then I said they should think for awhile about what, if anything they could afford and let me know.  I knew they would help us, that’s just the kind of parents they are.  🙂 

    FI, on the other hand, did not ask his parents, as they don’t have the means to help us financially.  They offered to help in other ways.

    Post # 16
    Member
    11760 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    We never brought it up. It’s always just been implied my parents would pay for it. When my parents met his parents, his parents offered to help pay for x,y,z. I let the parents work out those details though.

    I don’t think there is a polite way to ask anywone (including parents for $). If they want to help you they will offer it. Until then, plan the wedding you can afford.

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