Who comes first, your spouse or your child?

posted 3 years ago in Parenting
  • poll: Who comes first?
    My spouse : (97 votes)
    52 %
    Our children : (46 votes)
    25 %
    They are both equal : (38 votes)
    20 %
    Other : (6 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 3
    926 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

    I say my spouse. we just had this talk last night actually. the way we see it, we are deciding to build a life together. Our home, our children, our family dynamic is all part of the life we’re building and our relationship is the foundation. How can we expect it to stand if the foundation is cracked? we want our children to know that a marriage is a partnership and SO and I are a team, always. we want them to know that a relationship is built on respect, honesty, trust, support and communication. and when they have grown and left the nest, I want to look at my husband and know that we have grown and gone through life as united as we were on the day we said our vows.

    Post # 4
    5905 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2018

    @MrsNewBride427:  I’ve seen this “shift” in a new parent’s attention and care when a baby arrives, and its understandable in the beginning for both parents to totally focus on the new member of the family…but as time goes on, if both parents can’t find that equilibrium between being parents and spouses, the relationship suffers intensely.

    Its as simple as the parent wanting to be the best parent they can be, so everything they do and think is centered around their child, the spouse is left alone and seperate, their parenting input is increasingly ignored, their needs neglected and instead of a family, there is this single entity and the couple comprised of parent and child.

    It breeds an enormous amount of resentment on the neglected parent’s part, both for offending spouse and their own child, creates strife, anger, discord and general unhappiness, and is difficult to change as time goes on, because the child is accustomed to a level of parenting that cannot be maintained in a healthy way.

    Long story short, you have kids so that they’ll grow up and leave, but you get married to spend your life with someone, invest in the long term when you can.

    Post # 5
    3237 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    My spouse for sure. I won’t have a family for my children if I don’t make marriage my first priority. 

    Post # 6
    11300 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @Birdee106:  + a million

    Spouse was here first. Our relationship is #1 priority. Keeping that healthy will keep everything else healthy.

    Post # 7
    2546 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    kids are a priority and that doesn’t mean you stop taking care of your marriage


    Post # 8
    7654 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I don’t have kids yet, but your kids eventually leave you. You married someone to share in the joy of having kids, so if your marriage is unstable that will spill over to the child. I think marriage comes first.

    Post # 9
    819 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I say marriage. Commenting to follow! 

    Post # 10
    6632 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I would say right now it is about equal.  My DH and my son are first to me.

    Post # 11
    1416 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    kids before marriage because well you can always just get a new husband :p 

    Post # 12
    2876 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 1998

    My husband comes first now as my children are older, but when they were little their needs outweigh an adult so they had to come first.

    The way I see it now is that my boys will leave and start their own families my husband is the one I’m going to grow old with. Keeping our marriage happy and strong is really important to both of us. We don’t want our love for each other to die:)))))

    Post # 13
    729 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2007

    Spouse before children (for me personally), always.

    Post # 14
    1414 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2009

    Spouse comes first for me. 

    Post # 15
    679 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    We don’t have kids yet (and aren’t technically married) but I just watched the movie “Parental Guidance” on an airplane and there was a line in the movie that stuck in my head about how after your kids are all grown up and left home your spouse is the one who will still be there with you….

    Needless to say it made me tear up a little and reach over to hug my FI 🙂




    Post # 16
    359 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2005

    Ideally, I don’t think there should be a hierarchy, any more than one child should take priority over another.  Of course, adults and children don’t have the same needs, so the things that are prioritized for each person should vary appropriately, but I would hope that no one in the family would have to be neglected.

    My mother chose my step-father over me, and it drove a wedge that is still between us.  I guess she’s happy with her choice, at least, I hope she is, but it’s not a situation that I would want with my own child.  I hope that my family will be able to strike a better balance.

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