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FI and I have been going back and forth about a subject for a little while and he said "See what the Bees say..." so here I am....
The subject: How many women FI has *been with*.
The issue: I want to know and he doesn't want to tell me.
My reason: To me, the number doesn't matter, it's more an issue of wanting to know more about him. It's not like I'm going to hold this over his head or something, I just want to know. I mean, we are getting married and are supposed to be able to tell eachother any and everything but yet, he won't tell me.
His reason: He wants there to be something that only he knows. He doesn't want to tell me and I should respect his wishes.
All opinions welcome 
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Do you really think that by finding out how many women he has "been with", you feel you know him better? I think that is something of the past, something that happened before you and him got together and it should stay where it happened - in the past. Just my opinion. :-)
Are you a jealous type of person? What happens if it was a lot of girls and that fact WOULD somehow hurt you? Then it's something that stands between you and your fiance. And maybe he wants to avoid that? Does he know everything about your ex-boyfriends? Guys tend to talk less about their previous relationships and I think you should just accept & respect it.
No matter if he's gonna tell you or not...I hope it won't change anything in your relationship :-) All the best.
I think I agree with German. Though you say that the number doesn't matter, it will once he tells you. When you know that he's been with 10 or 20 women or whatever the number is, how is that changing how you feel about him or getting to know him better? His past is in the past and he's looking forward to his future with you.
Could you maybe compromise and just ask him if it's over/under a certain number? Like 10? If he wants to keep the exact number to himself (most likely to spare your feelings or keep himself from embarassment if he feels that it's too low) then I think you should respect his wishes. The more you want him to tell you, the more he's not going to want to.
German - I'm pretty sure he has quoted your first paragraph before LOL! Oh no, it won't change anything, so no worries there.
I guess I'm just more open with things than he is.
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My opinion is, unless his past involves a marriage, children, or std's, it's in the past. He can't change it and you can't change it, so it should not directly affect your relationship unless any of the above are involved.
My fiance and I are older, he's 39 and I'm 32. We both have a past. It's pretty common to make to our ages with a few relationships (and probably a few encounters). I know the big stuff, like the facts that he's never been married, he doesn't have kids, and he doesn't have any std's. The little things, like how many women he's been with, I don't worry about.
I personally like a little (read very little) mystery in a relationship. Yes, you SHOULD be able to tell each other everything. But that doesn't mean you HAVE to tell each other everything. Him knowing that he can tell you anything without being judged is important and vice versus. And who knows, maybe someday he'll tell you when he's more comfortable.
My motto is don't stress about the small things because there are plenty of big things to worry about!
Good luck!
I agree with tessabella76 and mlkeystock :-)
med0404, maybe he will tell you someday, when he feels "ready" to do it. 
Absolutely. I don't think this is a matter of him not being open. Like I said, he could be either trying to spare your feelings if he thinks you might feel that it's too many, or spare his feelings if he thinks that it's too little. You know how men and their pride is!
As long as he treats you well, doesn't hide important things from you (like a gambling or drinking problem) and doesn't cheat on you, I don't think you need to worry about the number of women he's been with. He's with you, treats you well and wants to marry YOU. He isn't thinking about anyone from the past.
It'll bother you. I promise. The fact he doesn't want to tell means it's probably a few...
I know a couple who did this. He'd been with like 3 girls, and she'd been with 12. Well, he called my FI and was like, "OMG OMG OMG" basically, but in the way guys freak out. They got over it, but uh, that information was leaked to me (i couldn't help overhear the conversation) and it's not exactly information that should be exchanged.
NO GOOD can come of you knowing if he does not want to share.
My FI and I shared, but uh, he had only been with 2 girls before me and I hadn't been with anyone before him, so it wasn't a big deal. But if he didn't want to tell me, I wouldn't have pursued it becasue the past is in the past. And the ladies above are right--it'll probably come out some day.
I agree with him, because I don't see how this can possibly help you know him better. Especially if you say it wouldnt change anything. If it's all about helping you know him better, it's not going to stop with just the number. Then you're going to need to know how many were long relationships, how many flings, how many one-night stands... all under the guise of knowing him better.
So it really wouldn't change anything, regardless of what the number was? What if it was 500? :)
Seriously let it be. The past stays in the past where it belongs. I know and have seen alot of women say they want the truth, can handle it and then when they get it become something else. Respect his privacy. You can never know every single detail about a human being and I am sure there is someting deep down you do not want him to know.
You really do not know how you going to react until he tells you. And honestly it is not that big of a deal. My FI and I have told each other when we started dating and while it never has bothered me, I can tell you I had other boyfriends tell me and well it made me think twice.
Is there something bothering you that makes you have to know? Or is it just curiosity?
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This was a reader question in Time Out Chicago last week. The answer they gave was basically, this is info you two can share when he can trust that you won't use the info to hurt him. Sounds like something you can work on together.
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I can see why it would be something you're interested in knowing. I'm sure my FI and I have both revealed our number, but honestly I cannot remember his. Like you said, it didn't change my opinion of him. I mean, if it had been over 20 I might have raised an eyebrow, but whatever. As for what you should do...I like the compromise idea. Ask if it's below or over 10 and settle for that answer. Regardless, it IS personal information that he may just want to keep to himself. Is he normally a private person? Maybe this is a GOOD thing that he's keeping quiet. By that I mean maybe if he's keeping it quiet with you then he isn't revealing intimate details about YOUR relationship with his friends.
The thing is, you can't force the issue. If he really doesn't want to tell you then don't make it out to be something bigger. Think of it as respecting the other women that came before you. Good luck :)
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I don't agree with his reason for not telling you, but I do agree with him not telling you. I know it's something that, when you don't know, it bugs you. You WANT to know. And then you find out and suddenly you wish you'd never have asked.
I say let it be. It's one of those things that might make you uncomfortable once you know, and what's the point? If it on the high side, you may find yourself feeling jealous or suspicious of his past. If it's on the low side, you may find yourself wondering if he didn't have enough time to be young and single, or whatever! No, it doesn't make sense, but it is easy for those kinds of thoughts to pop up. No one likes to picture their sweetie with someone else and anything surrounding the topic is bound to make you more uncomfortable than you think.
Second, I think the whole idea that a healthy relationship is defined by telling each other anything and everything is actually a myth. I am a big fan of John Gottman who is a researcher in the area of relationships. His studies actually show that sometimes the healthiest thing is to hold back a bit, to be kind and gentle with one another rather than opening the floodgates and letting anything come through.
As long has he hasn't been with anyone else since you, I don't see how the number should matter. I would rather not know *exactly* how many. I personally have only ever been with one man, my fiance, so any number would seem like a lot to me. I know myself and would also be self conscious wondering "hmm.. were those other girls better in bed than me?"I'm assuming not, but ya know
One of our friends was bragging once that he'd been with as many women as he's been alive (28 years, 28 women) and that kind of grossed me out. The way he said it also made me think less of him...
Do what you want, but once you find out, you cant take it back if you dont like that answer.
Gonna have to agree with the majority. If the number doesn't matter, then it really shouldn't matter whether he tells you or not. You know who he has become and that is the important thing. Let it lie. As many others have pointed out, you can't take this back-- once you know, you know.
The number will matter. And when he does tell you, all you will do is think about it 24/7 and all of these comparisons between you and the other girls will consume your life for a bit. It'll go away but it will be in the back of your mind and you'll grow to resent it.
I say leave it be.
I've heard several relationship counselors or writers say that it's important to be honest, but not to tell every single detail. That may mean being forthcoming about a range that the number falls in and it certainly means not lying about any of it, but it also means that you don't need to know every detail. I used to want to know this sort of thing until I dated a guy who wanted to know EVERYTHING, which just led to both of us being unhappy.
As for your guy's reason for not wanting to tell you, well, that could also be an excuse because he's afraid of how you'll react.
I guess I'm in the minority, but it would drive me absolutely crazy if my FI insisted on keeping a secret like that from me. For me, it wouldn't even be about the number anymore--it would be the fact that, for a kind of arbitrary reason, he refused to share something about himself with me.
As I'm thinking about it, though, I wonder if maybe it's common for men who are getting married to want to stake their independence a little bit by claiming something as theirs and theirs alone. My FI has been getting on my nerves lately by claiming that some of our CLEARLY SHARED possessions are his only. For example, we have a TiVo. I gave it to him five years ago, and we've lived together for three of those years since, but every time I mention something like "the TiVo" or "our TiVo" he makes a biiiiiig display of being like, "I think you mean my TiVo." Maybe my FI's TiVo is your FI's "number," you know?
I'm kinda surprised to see how many on here agree with your Fi. Personally, I agree with you. :) Imho, the past is part of who you are. That includes past relationships, and yeah even past sexual partners.
This weekend my husband and I set about to organize one of our closets and we found a bunch of pictures of me and a couple of my ex-bfs and some old relationship mementos. I told him we could just throw them away, but he told me (paraphrased), "This is a part of your past. I want to look at these and I want to hear your stories about these people because I want to know everything about you. I never got to be there to see what you were like when you were younger, and I want to know all of you, not just who you are right this moment."
It was pretty sweet, but I guess I kinda figured everyone wanted those things? Like to know their partner 100% better than anyone else? And I really think part of that is understanding your partner's past, including the infamous number. Of course, it comes with a lot of responsibility because then you also have to accept your partner's past and not feel jealous or uncomfortable with it. It's something we sometimes have to work on together because in the past I have gotten jealous of his ex-gfs or vice versa. But really all it takes is a conversation reminding me (or him) that we are married now and he (or I) will never want anyone else. I would much rather work through these things, though, than feel like there's something in our past lives that is "untouchable" or "private." Jmho. :)
Carrie - I think that is my hang up - that he's refusing to share the information.
We're both in our 30's so, I know there's a past - we both have one (a past), but our past is what shapes us today.....
But for everyone else - I agree. I should drop it and I will, but seriously, he could have just made up a number when I started asking and I'd never know the difference LOL!
I'm in the minority and agree with you. I feel as though our sexual partners should be knowledgable about our sexual pasts. That doesn't mean that we have to give extensive details, but I do think that it means being open and honest. Sex is a mutual act, and for it to remain mutual, I believe that we have to be able to talk about it. Even the parts that may be embarrassing or uncomfortable to admit.
And I believe that you can know the number and not be upset. You've already chosen to spend your live with him. What would this do? And if the number does make you upset, then maybe it is a good thing that you know before you commit your life to this person.
Without knowing, you're going to let your mind wander and wonder about the number. Once you know, you can move on and this will no longer be an issue.
I am one for openness, so to me it would be important that he could trust me enough to tell me and know that my reaction would be one of maturity. If I'm needing to know something like that, then it is my responsibility to react to the information in a mature way. I would be more bummed that the fiance was not trusting in my reaction than holding back on the number. I would expect that he knew me well enough to know that I'd be a big kid about it!
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My husband and I both know how many partners we've each had, their names, and we've met each others' past partners and hung out with them. In fact, some of our past sexual partners were invited to and attended our wedding. This is partly because we were friends for years before we were romantically involved, so we've known each other while in other relationships! I don't really *get* the argument that he should have something only he knows. I think it's kind of stupid of him to want to keep something from you that you obviously want to know- it makes it seem like he's ashamed and has something to hide. As long as he's been tested for STDs, he's not putting you at any risk, but I'd side with you in this one. What's the big deal with just telling you?
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I agree with most of the previous posts siding with him. i understand that you want to know but I thnk ultimately the # will matter. plus you might find yourself opening a few cans of worms when it comes to "who". Leave it be.
I'm with Mrs Spring and a few others out there -- I agree with you. Now with that said, both my fiance and I have very few other partners, and we also were friends for a few years before dating -- so we "knew" about most of the people already. But that's beside the point -- I love being able to joke with him about his high school girlfriend. For us it's not something we talk about often, but we don't keep things from each other. So if he's telling a story from college I can gage when and what was going on in his life by saying "Is that when you were dating Sarah?" .... and it just makes me feel like I know everything there is to know about him.
But with all that -- if he doesn't want to share, it's something you have to figure out together -- why he doesnt and if you'll be okay not ever knowing. Good luck!
Amandopolis - I don't see what the big deal is either. It's the past and it's over and done with
I'm not sure why everyone thinks the number will make a difference. It's happened. It's the past. FWIW, I know that it's going to be a "big" number (over 30). I just want to know the actual number. For those who think he's ashamed, yeah, he is a little bit - he's told me that. I see no reason to be ashamed because it's the past and it is what it is.
Reading some of these other posts, I wanted to clarify, I do think you should be able to talk about your past in general. If he doesn't ever speak about any girl he has dated before, that is a little different. I think that does put a bit of a gap between you in terms of not understanding each other's pasts. I enjoy talking with FI about some of his exes and sometimes when we're lazing around online he'll show me pictures of an ex-girlfriend's new baby she's posted on Facebook, or whatever.
I still think that's a bit different than knowing the 'number' though. Knowing about someone he dated for a long time is knowing about a substantial part of his past. Knowing about that night his freshman year where he met a girl after his 18th Jello shot...well, for me, FI could keep something like that to himself (um - note - that is a fictional example, hopefully my FI never met Jello shot girl, ha ha!)
My FI is my first and he openly told me how many women he had been with before me. But before he told me, he said "none of it matters now, it was in the past, yada yada yada" I think he thought I was going to be upset when he told me the number, but I could care less.
Now, honeslty if I had been with other guys before him, I don't think the number is really important, and it isn't a must to know how many partners each one of you has had; you just know its more then one. However, I understand the curiousity for sure! But guys do have this weird thing sometimes where they do want to keep things private, really for no reason at all. Its like when we were kids and have a dumb little secret, yet don't want to tell anyone, we just things its funny to see people beg. I'm sure it will come out eventually and you won't think any different of him either way. It really isn't a big deal at all, but we all have our weird quirks so just wait it out :)
The number would definitely bother me...
I think I'm with you on this one, sorta. Personally, I feel that it's an important piece of information, but I don't take sex lightly either (not saying others here do). If I had known my husband slept with other girls, I'm not sure how I would have reacted. It would depend on the situation I guess. If he was a sleep-arounder, I wouldn't have liked that and I would have looked at it as an extension of his personality (we're still young, but if we were in our 30s and it had just been something he did when he was in college and moved on, my opinion might be different), but I think I would also be jealous if he slept with someone out of love. It definitely would have been a big turning point in our relationship, that's for sure. Now, I do know that he has done stuff with other girls (not intercourse) that doesn't make me happy, but it is in the past and I just try to leave it there. I don't even know the details because I honestly don't want to think about it or know because I know it would bother me (but sometimes I wonder if my imagination is worse than what he actually did lol) I also never so much as kissed another guy until I met my husband though, so yeah.
But, my husband and I both have the same opinion on sex (that it should be experienced between two people in love, true love, someone you would marry). We don't think you should have to wait until you're married because we both think the commitment starts before that, but, if he had a different opinion on the topic, I'm not sure we'd be married today, and I'd definitely be hurt if he had a number and didn't tell me. My hubby also knows all about my exes because he wanted to know and asked, and I had no problem telling him that information since it was important to him.
Your situation sounds like it may be better to not know though, if it's just out of curiousity. It would bother me more that he doesn't want to share it. If it's really not a big deal to you. But, I guess some people do like to keep some things to themselves, even if they love someone. It's just kind of their personality, and if he were any different, he wouldn't be the man of your dreams
It really wouldn't bother me. Honest. It is something, like I said, that he is not proud of, but it's also something that can't be changed. I think I'm just more irked that he feels he needs to have something that only he knows. I'm not sure why he thinks that response is acceptable. Ugh!
I agree with you on this one. I agree that everyone has a past, but knowing your fiance's past is knowing more about him. You would want to know what he was like as a baby, as a child, as a teenager, a young adult. My fiance and I share stories about our past all the time. It doesn't make sense to me when people say "that's the past, it doesn't matter now." To me, it all matters. Like @MrsSpring mentioned, I want to know him better than anyone knows him (and vice versa I'm sure). Obviously we lived 25+ years before finding each other, and our existance prior to our meeting is important too. It's not like our lives began when we met each other, you know?
We shared our "numbers" with each other, but before we did, we agreed that we would not pass judgment on each other and we agreed not to get angry or jealous. Turns out we both has the same #, haha!
I think you should do your best to convince him that nothing will change if he tells you the #... then maybe he will feel more comfortable with the idea.
p.s. Does he know your number? :)
med0404: I completely understand what you are saying. Everyone is different. For some people, knowing "the number" would upset them. I am the same way as you. I know the number and the people that my fiance has been with, and I realize that is the past.
I feel like this is different than keeping something minor from you. We don't have to tell our partners everything we've ever done, but this isn't like not telling you that he stole $5 from his mom when he was 10. This is about being open with each other sexually and being able to trust that the other person will treat your past with maturity and respect. That respect goes both ways. He should respect you enough to believe that if you feel that this information is important for you to know, he should be willing to discuss it with you.
Not to mention that you're already wanting to know. You're curious. That isn't going to go away. This is going to be a major sticking point down the road if he is not comfortable being honest with you.
I hope that he does tell you. It will be another opportunity to commit yourself to him, by proving that by telling you it is no longer an issue.
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LOL @ ddubzz! Yes, he does know my number :) He kind of threw my question back at me the first time I asked and I guess he didn't think I'd answer.
I think if I were to want to know the number, I'd have wanted to find out about it before I got engaged to him. At this point, where you have already commited to each other to spend the rest of your lives together, the "#" wouldn't really HELP in any way with your relationship, and might be detrimental if it's a number that you weren't expecting. If he doesn't want to say at this point, I'd just leave it at that.
Another possible angle - you said you don't know the exact number but you know it is over 30, right? Is it possible that HE doesn't quite remember the exact number, and he's just too embarrassed to admit it?
My FI and I have a rule that we don't really talk about previous relationships unless there is something that happened that continues to affect us and our relationship - hangups, emotional baggage, etc. And personally - and I know this is definitely not for everyone - I love it this way. I love the feeling of having a fresh start together (we've both been around the block) and focusing on the future instead of the past. We both have things we'd rather forget, and it's nice that we are on the same page regarding just letting bygones be bygones. I say let it go. He loves YOU, and you're the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life. What came before doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.
Rose, that's a good point. If you know that it's over 30, I'm still not sure I see the relevance in you knowing the exact number - especially if you know it's something he's totally ashamed of and just doesn't want you to know. I know you keep saying that the number doesn't matter, but why is this such an integral part of what you want to know about him? You know it's larger than 30, and he's ashamed of it, so shouldn't that be enough to know? I'm thinking this just isn't something he's proud of, and making him think about it makes him feel even worse. He's probably afraid that if he tells you, and it's close to 100 or something, your reaction is going to make him feel like crap. I'm not sure how many is too many in your book, and maybe that's his fear too...the last thing he wants to do is disappoint you.
I agree with mlkeysock. The last thing he wants to do is disappoint you and he wants you to be happy. So in his mind he may feel as if not discussing it further will be better for you than sharing the exact number. So I guess I'm a little on the fence on this one. I feel as if you should be able to ask significant other questions about their sexual history, but I also feel as if your partner has the right to say no if their withholding information in no way will harm you. I personally feel like it's only natural to want to know everything about the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, and to be able to, but he has every right to want to keep something private if he so chooses.
It seems as if what is really bothering you is his reasoning for not sharing his past history with you and that need he needs to keep something from you for himself. Maybe you should talk about his reasoning behind not wanting to tell you and not just a simple number. If you go a little bit deeper, you may get the answer you're really looking for.
I am with your FI on this one ... the past is the past, and as long as you are both "clean" STD wise, and aren't having sex with anyone else while you are together, I don't see where knowing the number is going to enrich your life together at all.
Seriously, I get the "we" stuff, but we all need stuff that's all "me", and if you don't I am not sure that is healthy.
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