Post # 1
FI and I have been going back and forth about a subject for a little while and he said "See what the Bees say…" so here I am….
The subject: How many women FI has *been with*.
The issue: I want to know and he doesn’t want to tell me.
My reason: To me, the number doesn’t matter, it’s more an issue of wanting to know more about him. It’s not like I’m going to hold this over his head or something, I just want to know. I mean, we are getting married and are supposed to be able to tell eachother any and everything but yet, he won’t tell me.
His reason: He wants there to be something that only he knows. He doesn’t want to tell me and I should respect his wishes.
All opinions welcome
Post # 3
Do you really think that by finding out how many women he has "been with", you feel you know him better? I think that is something of the past, something that happened before you and him got together and it should stay where it happened – in the past. Just my opinion. 🙂
Are you a jealous type of person? What happens if it was a lot of girls and that fact WOULD somehow hurt you? Then it’s something that stands between you and your fiance. And maybe he wants to avoid that? Does he know everything about your ex-boyfriends? Guys tend to talk less about their previous relationships and I think you should just accept & respect it.
No matter if he’s gonna tell you or not…I hope it won’t change anything in your relationship 🙂 All the best.
Post # 4
I think I agree with German. Though you say that the number doesn’t matter, it will once he tells you. When you know that he’s been with 10 or 20 women or whatever the number is, how is that changing how you feel about him or getting to know him better? His past is in the past and he’s looking forward to his future with you.
Could you maybe compromise and just ask him if it’s over/under a certain number? Like 10? If he wants to keep the exact number to himself (most likely to spare your feelings or keep himself from embarassment if he feels that it’s too low) then I think you should respect his wishes. The more you want him to tell you, the more he’s not going to want to.
Post # 5
German – I’m pretty sure he has quoted your first paragraph before LOL! Oh no, it won’t change anything, so no worries there.
I guess I’m just more open with things than he is.
Post # 6
My opinion is, unless his past involves a marriage, children, or std’s, it’s in the past. He can’t change it and you can’t change it, so it should not directly affect your relationship unless any of the above are involved.
My fiance and I are older, he’s 39 and I’m 32. We both have a past. It’s pretty common to make to our ages with a few relationships (and probably a few encounters). I know the big stuff, like the facts that he’s never been married, he doesn’t have kids, and he doesn’t have any std’s. The little things, like how many women he’s been with, I don’t worry about.
I personally like a little (read very little) mystery in a relationship. Yes, you SHOULD be able to tell each other everything. But that doesn’t mean you HAVE to tell each other everything. Him knowing that he can tell you anything without being judged is important and vice versus. And who knows, maybe someday he’ll tell you when he’s more comfortable.
My motto is don’t stress about the small things because there are plenty of big things to worry about!
Post # 7
I agree with tessabella76 and mlkeystock 🙂
med0404, maybe he will tell you someday, when he feels "ready" to do it.
Post # 8
Absolutely. I don’t think this is a matter of him not being open. Like I said, he could be either trying to spare your feelings if he thinks you might feel that it’s too many, or spare his feelings if he thinks that it’s too little. You know how men and their pride is!
As long as he treats you well, doesn’t hide important things from you (like a gambling or drinking problem) and doesn’t cheat on you, I don’t think you need to worry about the number of women he’s been with. He’s with you, treats you well and wants to marry YOU. He isn’t thinking about anyone from the past.
Post # 9
It’ll bother you. I promise. The fact he doesn’t want to tell means it’s probably a few…
I know a couple who did this. He’d been with like 3 girls, and she’d been with 12. Well, he called my FI and was like, "OMG OMG OMG" basically, but in the way guys freak out. They got over it, but uh, that information was leaked to me (i couldn’t help overhear the conversation) and it’s not exactly information that should be exchanged.
NO GOOD can come of you knowing if he does not want to share.
My FI and I shared, but uh, he had only been with 2 girls before me and I hadn’t been with anyone before him, so it wasn’t a big deal. But if he didn’t want to tell me, I wouldn’t have pursued it becasue the past is in the past. And the ladies above are right–it’ll probably come out some day.
Post # 10
I agree with him, because I don’t see how this can possibly help you know him better. Especially if you say it wouldnt change anything. If it’s all about helping you know him better, it’s not going to stop with just the number. Then you’re going to need to know how many were long relationships, how many flings, how many one-night stands… all under the guise of knowing him better.
So it really wouldn’t change anything, regardless of what the number was? What if it was 500? 🙂
Post # 11
Seriously let it be. The past stays in the past where it belongs. I know and have seen alot of women say they want the truth, can handle it and then when they get it become something else. Respect his privacy. You can never know every single detail about a human being and I am sure there is someting deep down you do not want him to know.
You really do not know how you going to react until he tells you. And honestly it is not that big of a deal. My FI and I have told each other when we started dating and while it never has bothered me, I can tell you I had other boyfriends tell me and well it made me think twice.
Is there something bothering you that makes you have to know? Or is it just curiosity?
Post # 12
This was a reader question in Time Out Chicago last week. The answer they gave was basically, this is info you two can share when he can trust that you won’t use the info to hurt him. Sounds like something you can work on together.
Post # 13
I can see why it would be something you’re interested in knowing. I’m sure my FI and I have both revealed our number, but honestly I cannot remember his. Like you said, it didn’t change my opinion of him. I mean, if it had been over 20 I might have raised an eyebrow, but whatever. As for what you should do…I like the compromise idea. Ask if it’s below or over 10 and settle for that answer. Regardless, it IS personal information that he may just want to keep to himself. Is he normally a private person? Maybe this is a GOOD thing that he’s keeping quiet. By that I mean maybe if he’s keeping it quiet with you then he isn’t revealing intimate details about YOUR relationship with his friends.
The thing is, you can’t force the issue. If he really doesn’t want to tell you then don’t make it out to be something bigger. Think of it as respecting the other women that came before you. Good luck 🙂
Post # 14
I don’t agree with his reason for not telling you, but I do agree with him not telling you. I know it’s something that, when you don’t know, it bugs you. You WANT to know. And then you find out and suddenly you wish you’d never have asked.
Post # 15
I say let it be. It’s one of those things that might make you uncomfortable once you know, and what’s the point? If it on the high side, you may find yourself feeling jealous or suspicious of his past. If it’s on the low side, you may find yourself wondering if he didn’t have enough time to be young and single, or whatever! No, it doesn’t make sense, but it is easy for those kinds of thoughts to pop up. No one likes to picture their sweetie with someone else and anything surrounding the topic is bound to make you more uncomfortable than you think.
Second, I think the whole idea that a healthy relationship is defined by telling each other anything and everything is actually a myth. I am a big fan of John Gottman who is a researcher in the area of relationships. His studies actually show that sometimes the healthiest thing is to hold back a bit, to be kind and gentle with one another rather than opening the floodgates and letting anything come through.
Post # 16
As long has he hasn’t been with anyone else since you, I don’t see how the number should matter. I would rather not know *exactly* how many. I personally have only ever been with one man, my fiance, so any number would seem like a lot to me. I know myself and would also be self conscious wondering "hmm.. were those other girls better in bed than me?"I’m assuming not, but ya know
One of our friends was bragging once that he’d been with as many women as he’s been alive (28 years, 28 women) and that kind of grossed me out. The way he said it also made me think less of him…
Do what you want, but once you find out, you cant take it back if you dont like that answer.