Post # 1
I don’t think my SO needs anyone’s “permission” to marry me (except mine). But I do like the idea of getting their approval ahead of time and giving them a head’s up.
SO will be proposing this month, and I asked him if he had spoken to my dad yet- which is currently complicated… My dad got sent to Afghanistan in December for a month. That month turned into 2 and now it looks like he will be there for a year (and he is a government contractor, so he is a civilian and not in the military). Anyways, now I can only contact my dad via email and he can call me occassionally if he is in a place his phone works. SO will be proposing this month and was planning on asking my dad, but I don’t know exactly how that is going to work out. SO tried to be sneaky and sent himself my dad’s email address from my email on my lap top. SO was talking about it and I mentioned in passing that he should ask my mother as well. SO believes that traditionally, he only needs to talk to my dad. Personally, my parents were divorced before I remember and my mom raised me on her own- I saw my Dad maybe a weekend or a week every year. I hardly knew my dad growing up and only developed a close relationship after I became an adult. I think he should talk to my mom in addition to my dad. What do you think bees?
Post # 3
@HeartsandSparkles: I think he definitely should ask both your parents, especially if it will mean a lot to you – and to them – that he does. My own parents are separated and the FI asked the two of them. I can honestly say that it really endeared him to both my mother and father.
Post # 4
I’d be quite offended if my SO asked either of my parents for their permission or blessing before proposing to me, as that particular tradition ties in VERY closely with a lot of the contractual-exchange-of-the-daughter-as-property issues I have with marriage. No one will be walking me down the aisle to “give me away” at the ceremony, either. And I’m not comfortable with my SO kneeling during the proposal, since I don’t like the historical implications; we entered into this relationship as equals, and we will continue it as such.
Aside from the giving away part, we’ve discussed all of these things. He agrees with me.
Post # 5
My dad isn’t around and my Mom and I don’t have a great relationship – so I asked my FI (BF) at the time, that should he ever propose, to please not ask her. I’ve been on my own for a long time, and it would offend me to have her think I would need her blessing.
Post # 6
When the time comes, DBF will not ask my parents. I told him that I thought it was a bit sexist, but mostly unnecessary in today’s world. In our situation, we will have been dating for around 5 years at that point, and chances are neither of us will have been single as an adult. Besides, he’s proposing to me, not my parents; I’d rather know before my parents know.
Thankfully, DBF said that asking my parents wasn’t even a consideration.
Post # 7
I agree in your situation if he is planning to ask your dad then he should ask your mum as well as she’s a big part of your life. I’m not sure what your mum is like (or what terms she is on with your dad) but I would be unhappy/annoyed not be asked if dad was being asked.
Personally, I’m not bothered about SO asking for my parents permission ask to me, it’s old fashioned and outdated. SO and I got talking about this not long ago and it seems like the idea didn’t even come into his mind anyway. I know my parents would not care if they weren’t asked first either.
Post # 8
My fiance didn’t ask either of my parents. We are both adults and made a decision to spend the rest of our lives together. We had fun calling our parents and announcing our engagement since it was a complete surprise to everyone!
Post # 10
I picked “Neither,” but I have to laugh at the traditional aspects of it combined with my age and current situation. I will be an “old cow” by old-fashioned standards if my SO asks my dad (I will be 30 in April). I can actually picture my dad being like, “Uh, she’s 30… not 18… Why don’t you ask her?”
Originally my SO wanted to ask my dad b/c he has an old-fashioned Catholic upbringing. However, every time he tried to, something got in the way, and he couldn’t be one-on-one with my dad. Hence, he is starting to change his mind on the asking part and may just go with the proposal. I honestly didn’t mind him asking – this was one of those things I wouldn’t fight him on, but if I had to choose, I wouldn’t have him ask. I mean, we’re equals, right? I’m not asking his parents, now am I?
Post # 11
My SO doesn’t need my parents permission, but I’d quite like him to have let them know his intentions before asking me. I’m sure my Dad would make some kind of joke about it if they didn’t have words beforhand!
Post # 12
@LittleWigeon: I like how you worded that- I’m not a cow being sold and I don’t need my parents permission, but I think it is a nice gesture for SO to give them a heads up about his intentions. Plus, my sister’s SO asked my dad and set that precedent, so I think my dad expecting some kind of talk.
Post # 13
I only have a mother, but I see this tradition as antiquated and a bit insulting. I suppose I can understand why some people still like it and maybe if I had a different family dynamic I’d want it, but I am a grown woman and SO and I have already decided to get married. The proposal itself is all I need – the only person he needs to ask to marry me is ME.
Post # 14
Honestly, I think that any man who wants to marry me, does need “permission” from my parents. Very particularly my father. The reason I say that is because a) My oldest sister’s first wedding happened WITHOUT my father’s blessing and he knew it was going to end bad and it did, lots and lots and LOTS of issues there, b) my parents, while they don’t control my life, have my complete trust when it comes to my life and future and I will forever look to them for guidence, and c) I tend to get blinders on when in relationships and had my ex proposed to me like he planned to, I know my dad would have said no and I would have gotten out of a bad relationship much sooner. I know and do not think that Nerd is bad for me, thankfully, but I still want him to ask because it is a respect thing, it is tradition (especially in my family) and I want to know that my parents approve and will support me/us (not financially, but emotionally).
Post # 15
I didn’t want my husband to ask anyone. I am not my parent’s property, he does not need their permission to marry me.
He did, however, try to call them before he did it and tell them what he was going to do, but they didn’t answer either cell phone or the home phone.
Post # 16
I am 30 & my SO is 31. We are being pretty modern about the whole thing; I picked out my own ring, etc. However, I still have a touch of tradition in me. My family lives all over the country (Los Angeles, New York & St Louis) only my mother and myself live here in Dallas (with my SO of course also) so we are all rarely together at the same time.
They were all here in January, so my SO took that opportunity to ask my whole family. I am very close with my family, so it meant so much to me that he asked all of them. They all said yes…obviously 😉