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We are only doing a plus one to those couples that live together, or have been in the relationship for a long time. We are trying to keep the guest list to around 100, when you add in +1's it can add up very fast. I don't think the frat guys will care very much, in general they just want to have a good time.
I think the eitiquette is that if you only invite some +1, it would be for married (obviously), engaged, and living together. Iguess you could throw in couples who have bee ntogether for years... THe problem is where do you cut if off? I seems strange to make a cut off based on whether or not a couple has been together for at least 6 months, a year or whatever. At some point you won't be sure. It seems like your FI, who knows these fellas the best, doesn't like treating them differently.
(Besides would you want a bunch of unattached fraternity boys doing God knows what to your wedding reception? They need to bring a girl to anchor them and keep them from making fools of themselves. Just kidding. Kinda.)
What are the chances all of these guys will show up? Do you know if they'd like to bring dates? Is there a way he can get away with not inviting them all?
Again, it seems like you FI, who's the better authority on them, doesn't like the idea. I don't think it's a good idea to do some no guest, (but I understand the money issues.) My first recommendation would be to see if you could find a way to accomodate all of them. Cut back other costs, only invite the brothers from his class or whatever. Good luck.
Since you are young, you can get away with not having a plus one for all of your guests. But the proper thing to do is invite people with a guest. It is proper because the proper response if you don't have a guest is to not bring one...rather than search for anyone you can find who will go with you. Unfortunately, the younger your guests, the less they will know that rule and the more random strangers you will have at your wedding. Which brings me back to my original point, which is that since you are young, you can totally get away with not including a plus one for your younger guests.
My MOH's husband was in a Fraternity at the time they got married as well. And they had the same issue. What the ended up doing was at one of the meetings he explained to the guys that due to space the guys that are NOT in a SERIOUS relationship will not be able to bring a guest. He also said when it gets closer to the wedding and as RSVP's come in there may be room for guests but until then there is not. But, if you are in a relationship your gf will be able to come. They totally understood and did not have a problem with it some even called a few weeks before and asked if guests were allowed and at the time they still were not and everyone still had a great time. I think for Fraternities it is ok to break the "etiquette"
We are also doing the engaged, married, living together or long term rule. With the exception of a guest who does not know nayone else at the wedding, then they will get a plus one.
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We're doing things exactly the same as Newport. Having smaller, more intimate weddings is becoming more popular, and I think people are adjusting to the idea that many people get married without a very wide circle of friends around them. However, I wouldn't suggest doing the table arrangements in a way that puts all the single guys together, separating them from their coupled up friends. Not only for the (kinda) kidding reason listed above about how a table full of single guys is likely to behave, but also for the fact that not all couples like being grouped as such. Consider mixing your singles and your couples together at tables. That would make your selective "guest" decision making process even less apparent too!
I gave a +1 to guests that were married, engaged or living together. If they were single and knew people like co-workers, they didn't get 1. I think we only had 2 singles get +1s because they hardly knew anyone.
We had a tight guest list cap of 100 so we had no wiggle room.
All the etiquette columns/books I've read seem to point to the "all or nothing" for the +1. For simplicity's sake (and drama-reduction), we're inviting everyone with a guest.
we invited those people who are in long term relationships, engaged, or married +1. there were also a few exceptions: i have an OOT friend who falls between the two age groups repersented at the wedding. she is ten years older than my friends and ten years younger than my parents friends, so we are inviting her +1. along the same lines is a former coworker of my FI's and he is 60. we wanted him to feel comfortable at the wedding so we invited him +1. we also invited the entire bridal party (4 of whom are not seeing anyone seriously) +1.
i think for most people, however, +1s are only for those in serious, long term relationships.
good luck!
In my circle of friends, its customary to invite those in relationships (including engaged couples, living together, just dating) to bring a guest. For our other friends, the bride and groom have used their discretion about inviting others with a guest. I plan on doing the same and I don't think that my single friends will be upset that they weren't allowed to bring a guest or not. In your situation, I don't think Frat guys will care if they are allowed to bring a date or not. I would just make sure that you've covered all long term girlfriends for those guys too. The only exception I would make, is for a single person who may not know very many people. Good luck! I know this is a tough subject, my FI and I are working on pairing our list down too!
I am also doing something similar.
Being 4 years out of college, I still have so many sorority sisters that are single. So instead of giving singles the option of +1 (thus forcing us to scale down the list) and dealing with the heartache and questions of "why wasn't so-and-so invited?".....we're opting to do away with the +1 for singles, so we can keep a good amount of actual guests on the guest list. Same with his fraternity brothers.
I agree with most everyone here -- married, engaged, living together, or long term. I think it is totally up to your discretion who you deem "long term."
Two years ago when my fiance and I had only been together about a year I wasn't invited to one of his college friends weddings and I totally understood!! You have to cut the list somewhere. Well what ended up happening is that someone mentioned we were moving in together the weekend before the wedding and the bride called my (then) boyfriend and told her that I was more then welcome to come, and I went, and I had a blast, and two years later that couple will most definitely be at our wedding.
With that said though, at another wedding that same summer one of his guy friends brought a random +1 and she was miserable the whole time! Understandably so because she didn't know anyone besides him, all he was concerned about was catching up with his old friends and drinking buddies. They even stayed in a hotel room with three other guys! She was pretty upset and made it known to everyone.
I strongly encourage thinking about it on a case by case basis. Sorry if that was rambling!
I think you might have to ask your fiancee to cut down his guest list - he's right that it will be hard to limit the +1s to just a few people (they will clearly know some got a guest, some didn't, feelings might get hurt, you might have to explain, etc.), and if all the guests won't fit in your budget you might have to shrink the list.
I wasn't in a sorority, so maybe I'm missing the point, but I don't think you have to invite all your FI's fraternity brothers any more than you have to invite everyone you work with, or all the people you graduated with in your program of study. Even if you're just out of college I'm sure there are some of these guys that you are closer to as a couple than others. If you have unlimited space and money, it's great to be able to invite everyone you're friends with (and invite them to bring a date). If you're having to decide whether you can invite them without a date, it might also be a good idea to figure out whether you really need to invite them all.
As has been said, there is a significant trend towards smaller weddings and receptions, and it's perfectly okay to invite only your closest friends. You might think that people who are really more of acquaintances will be offended, but honestly they probably don't consider you their closest friends either - so if you have to explain to them why only some people got an invitation, it's generally sufficient to say "We really would have loved to invite everyone, but since we don't have room/can't afford that, we've had to limit it to family and a few close friends."
We addressed the invitations only to the guy friends/girl friends and the ones that were in serious relatinoships sent back saying 2 were attending. Some of the guys that didn't have serious dates, called and asked to bring someone. We appreciated that they called and allowed them to bring a date. For the most part, they all honored that the invitation was sent to one person and we expected only one person to be coming.
We're going the long-term relationship route. Mostly, if we know the name of the person's significant, othere, he/she gets invited. If they haven't been around long enough for us to learn their name, then it's a no-go. If you're inviting all of the fraternity brothers, then they will have each other to keep them company. I've been to several sorority sisters' weddings with only my other sisters as my date. Where I'd be careful is how you make the split--I had a friend who only invited husbands of sorority sisters, and I was upset that my fiance wasn't invited also. (She also failed to invite a husband of a couple who got married a few weeks before she did!). Double check your list to make sure you avoid those snafus. Otherwise, I think it's find for the boys to have a table to themselves.
Check any of my previous posts and you can see where I stand-everyone should get a plus one.
While I can see your point, I think you need to think a little more about what will happen if you don't invite some with a plus one.
1) How many of these friends are going to be invited with the plus one versus not? If you're talking 20 without a plus one and 2 with, the ones without won't feel weird but if the number combo is different than it might be more obvious. The ones who don't have a plus one could feel awkward sitting at the singles table.
2) How many single girls are going to be there? If you're inviting 20 single guys and 2 single girls their age, expect it to be awkward especially during dancing.
3) Do you really want 20 single guys to be completely single at the wedding? Dates tend to keep men in line. If they have no one to keep them in line, I would expect them to be rowdy.
You might want to keep your hubby's feelings in mind. If he wants to give them plus ones, do it.
If at all possible I would just save yourself the aggravation of figuring this out and invite them all with +1s. Your fiance knows these guys: are they actually going to bring someone whom they are not actively dating (and thus whom you would invite anyway)? You can just have him say, "hey guys, if you've got a significant other you can bring them but otherwise remember you're all going to be able to hang out with one another anyway and we need the space." Could you ask them to self-police?
You should not allow the single guys have a +1 because that can easily double your guest list and reception costs. I was in a sorority and I can see there will be many people that you will have to invite, but letting every single person bring a date would end up costing you a lot more than you budgeted for. I think people will understand when you tell them if you have a venue or budget limitation, especially in this economy.
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I was always pretty firmly in the camp of "I don't want strangers at my wedding" so we stuck with the "married, engaged or living together" rule. There were, of course, exceptions (aren't there always?) but the couple of people that asked about it seemed very understanding when we told them that we just didn't have the extra space. Though I think that flies differently depending on how big a wedding you're throwing - if there's 300+ people, some guests might have a hard time believing that just one more would even be noticed. If you're hosting 50 or so, it makes a whole lot more sense.
Wow, thanks everyone. I don't think there is anything wedding related that everyone will agree on 100%... especially since more and more, society is doing away with traditions, and like many of you said, doing a smaller, more personal wedding (which would mean no +1s, and no offense). Inviting 20 of his fraternity brothers isn't inviting the whole house by any means. We went to University of ILlinois where the greek system is HUGE and the houses on campus are really big. Also, he was the prez so he had to get close with everyone! So 20 IS trying to keep it low. I think it would be better to invite more guys with no dates than to try to accomodate for dates (which will most likely be random) and cut down on the guys.
Someone earlier mentioned that usually if you don't have a +1 to bring, you come by yourself...I know people my age don't know that because I've heard many people say they're going to "some wedding with X" as a date. People have no idea how much 'per plate' costs! I know I didn't!
I'm sure we'll figure it out. It's an awkward stage in our lives because we were really close with some people not too long ago all living in the same 3 apartments near by on campus, and now that we're graduated, I wonder, will I ever talk to them again? But I feel like I should invite them because we WERE really good friends...oy. Decisions, decisions.
Thanks again everyone! I love Bee Wisdom.
Personally I think you have to take each person individually. I know we looked at if they were in a commited relationship they could bring a date. If not they could come and "find" a date hahaha-- Think about it this way-- 30 years from now you want to look through your photos and know all the faces staring back at you...
If you wouldn't take them to Outback steak house today for dinner and PAY for it without thinking twice they shouldn't be on the guest list... best advice I ever got!
We are older than you guys and we're definitely not giving everyone a plus one! Married (obviously), engaged, or living together couples get a plus one. That's it. I think most people understand that wedding guest lists have constraints, and your solution of putting the frat guys together at a table sounds fine. Or, if you have single girlfriends coming, you could mix them all together ;-)
We are not doing any +1 for anyone who isn't dating right now. If your together now and break up in the mean time, then your coming alone. I agree that it makes a significant difference in the amount of money you spend, and I don't want to have to spend money on someone I don't know!
We are only doing plus ones for the people in long term commited relationships, but our wedding is sort of destinationy and it's an all weekend event. So we just don't see it as appropriate to have all kinds of random girlfriends and such at the wedding.
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My questions for everyone is did every guest following the guest, no guest rule? On the response card you put "number attending______" and they insert. The outer envelope may say Ms. Joan Smith only but what if the guest doesn't get it and puts that 2 are attending?
I'm beginning to get that back at me and I don't know what to do.
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My fiance and I are pretty fresh out of college so we have a lot of friends that are quickly making our guest list sky rocket. I think that it would be fine if we invited the guys from his fraternity without dates and put them all at a table together, except for the ones in serious relationhips and put those couples together.
He doesn't think it can work like that. I think if we were older it would be different, but these practically-still college boys really aren't going to care! We're talking a difference from 20 people to 40. That'a a big jump.
I think I recall someone posting about this before somewhere, but I couldn't find the post. Do you ladies think it would be ok to go ahead and invite some people solo and not others?
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