(Closed) Who gets a “+1” and who doesn’t? …or does everyone?

posted 9 years ago in Paper
Post # 3
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

We are only doing a plus one to those couples that live together, or have been in the relationship for a long time. We are trying to keep the guest list to around 100, when you add in +1’s it can add up very fast. I don’t think the frat guys will care very much, in general they just want to have a good time.

Post # 4
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

I think the eitiquette is that if you only invite some +1, it would be for married (obviously), engaged, and living together.   Iguess you could throw in couples who have bee ntogether for years… THe problem is where do you cut if off?  I seems strange to make  a cut off based on whether or not a couple has been together for at least 6 months, a year or whatever.  At some point you won’t be sure.  It seems like your FI, who knows these fellas the best, doesn’t like treating them differently. 

(Besides would you want a bunch of unattached fraternity boys doing God knows what to your wedding reception?  They need to bring a girl to anchor them and keep them from making fools of themselves.  Just kidding.  Kinda.)

What are the chances all of these guys will show up?  Do you know if they’d like to bring dates?  Is there a way he can get away with not inviting them all?

Again, it seems like you FI, who’s the better authority on them, doesn’t like the idea.  I don’t think it’s a good idea to do some no guest, (but I understand the money issues.)  My first recommendation would be to see if you could find a way to accomodate all of them.  Cut back other costs, only invite the brothers from his class or whatever.  Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
497 posts
Helper bee

Since you are young, you can get away with not having a plus one for all of your guests.  But the proper thing to do is invite people with a guest.  It is proper because the proper response if you don’t have a guest is to not bring one…rather than search for anyone you can find who will go with you.  Unfortunately, the younger your guests, the less they will know that rule and the more random strangers you will have at your wedding.  Which brings me back to my original point, which is that since you are young, you can totally get away with not including a plus one for your younger guests.

Post # 6
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

My MOH’s husband was in a Fraternity at the time they got married as well. And they had the same issue. What the ended up doing was at one of the meetings he explained to the guys that due to space the guys that are NOT in a SERIOUS relationship will not be able to bring a guest. He also said when it gets closer to the wedding and as RSVP’s come in there may be room for guests but until then there is not. But, if you are in a relationship your gf will be able to come. They totally understood and did not have a problem with it some even called a few weeks before and asked if guests were allowed and at the time they still were not and everyone still had a great time. I think for Fraternities it is ok to break the "etiquette"

Post # 7
Member
538 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

We are also doing the engaged, married, living together or long term rule. With the exception of a guest who does not know nayone else at the wedding, then they will get a plus one.

Post # 8
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

We’re doing things exactly the same as Newport.  Having smaller, more intimate weddings is becoming more popular, and I think people are adjusting to the idea that many people get married without a very wide circle of friends around them. However, I wouldn’t suggest doing the table arrangements in a way that puts all the single guys together, separating them from their coupled up friends.  Not only for the (kinda) kidding reason listed above about how a table full of single guys is likely to behave, but also for the fact that not all couples like being grouped as such.  Consider mixing your singles and your couples together at tables.  That would make your selective "guest" decision making process even less apparent too!

Post # 9
Member
765 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I gave a +1 to guests that were married, engaged or living together.  If they were single and knew people like co-workers, they didn’t get 1.  I think we only had 2 singles get +1s because they hardly knew anyone. 

We had a tight guest list cap of 100 so we had no wiggle room.

Post # 10
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

All the etiquette columns/books I’ve read seem to point to the "all or nothing" for the +1. For simplicity’s sake (and drama-reduction), we’re inviting everyone with a guest.

Post # 11
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

we invited those people who are in long term relationships, engaged, or married +1.  there were also a few exceptions:  i have an OOT friend who falls between the two age groups repersented at the wedding.  she is ten years older than my friends and ten years younger than my parents friends, so we are inviting her +1.  along the same lines is a former coworker of my FI’s and he is 60.  we wanted him to feel comfortable at the wedding so we invited him +1.   we also invited the entire bridal party (4 of whom are not seeing anyone seriously) +1. 

i think for most people, however, +1s are only for those in serious, long term relationships.

good luck!

Post # 12
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

In my circle of friends, its customary to invite those in relationships (including engaged couples, living together, just dating) to bring a guest.  For our other friends, the bride and groom have used their discretion about inviting others with a guest.  I plan on doing the same and I don’t think that my single friends will be upset that they weren’t allowed to bring a guest or not.  In your situation, I don’t think Frat guys will care if they are allowed to bring a date or not.  I would just make sure that you’ve covered all long term girlfriends for those guys too.  The only exception I would make, is for a single person who may not know very many people.  Good luck!  I know this is a tough subject, my FI and I are working on pairing our list down too!

Post # 13
Member
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

I am also doing something similar.

Being 4 years out of college, I still have so many sorority sisters that are single. So instead of giving singles the option of +1 (thus forcing us to scale down the list) and dealing with the heartache and questions of "why wasn’t so-and-so invited?"…..we’re opting to do away with the +1 for singles, so we can keep a good amount of actual guests on the guest list. Same with his fraternity brothers.
 

Post # 14
Member
1379 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I agree with most everyone here — married, engaged, living together, or long term. I think it is totally up to your discretion who you deem "long term." 

 

Two years ago when my fiance and I had only been together about a year I wasn’t invited to one of his college friends weddings and I totally understood!!  You have to cut the list somewhere.  Well what ended up happening is that someone mentioned we were moving in together the weekend before the wedding and the bride called my (then) boyfriend and told her that I was more then welcome to come, and I went, and I had a blast, and two years later that couple will most definitely be at our wedding. 

With that said though, at another wedding that same summer one of his guy friends brought a random +1 and she was miserable the whole time!  Understandably so because she didn’t know anyone besides him, all he was concerned about was catching up with his old friends and drinking buddies. They even stayed in a hotel room with three other guys!  She was pretty upset and made it known to everyone.

I strongly encourage thinking about it on a case by case basis. Sorry if that was rambling!

Post # 15
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I think you might have to ask your fiancee to cut down his guest list – he’s right that it will be hard to limit the +1s to just a few people (they will clearly know some got a guest, some didn’t, feelings might get hurt, you might have to explain, etc.), and if all the guests won’t fit in your budget you might have to shrink the list.

Post # 16
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I wasn’t in a sorority, so maybe I’m missing the point, but I don’t think you have to invite all your FI’s fraternity brothers any more than you have to invite everyone you work with, or all the people you graduated with in your program of study.  Even if you’re just out of college I’m sure there are some of these guys that you are closer to as a couple than others.  If you have unlimited space and money, it’s great to be able to invite everyone you’re friends with (and invite them to bring a date).  If you’re having to decide whether you can invite them without a date, it might also be a good idea to figure out whether you really need to invite them all. 

As has been said, there is a significant trend towards smaller weddings and receptions, and it’s perfectly okay to invite only your closest friends.  You might think that people who are really more of acquaintances will be offended, but honestly they probably don’t consider you their closest friends either – so if you have to explain to them why only some people got an invitation, it’s generally sufficient to say "We really would have loved to invite everyone, but since we don’t have room/can’t afford that, we’ve had to limit it to family and a few close friends."

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