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Wow that is a tough one. Personally, I dont think I could trust again after that. But only you know your heart and you said you still love him. Do you believe that he is sorry? Maybe you guys should look into couples counseling to try to get through this. I do believe that people make mistakes and maybe he will never do it again..... As for feeling embarrased around your friends, if they are your real friends they wouldnt make you feel bad.
i would like to think i wouldnt throw away our relationship if i found out that he had kiss someone else - it wouldnt be easy to regain the trust and deal with the hurt but i dont believe once a cheater always a cheater and i do believe people sometimes good people make stupid and bad mistakes
i do think if something like this was to happen then counselling would be needed so we can communicate and deal with the residual hurt it would cause - have you spoken to anyone about how you are feeling??
your then BF did a stupid hurtful thing and when busted he lied about it - but its been a number of years since then, im hoping he has proven himself to be honest and trustworthy to you
It's a simple answer to people who ask why you are back with him "The pain of not being with him outweighed the pain of the betrayal."
Think long term, in 5 or 10 years this will not matter anymore, people will have forgotten, the pain will be less. But the two of you will be happy together.
It's hard when people know, but in normal conversation, continue to talk the way you normally would, he has so many other great qualities - everyone has flaws.
Be strong, it's hard, but he's worth it. :)
If you want to salvage this, you're going to have to forgive him 100% or this thing will eventually go septic on you. If you think you'll harbor any grudge at all, it's best to walk away, because even if you stay with him through the cheating, there's no way of knowing that the emotional poison that this situation has caused won't come bubbling up and ruin the relationship on its own, in ways (nagging, distancing, verbal abuse) completely unrelated to the cheating.
Basically, what I'm saying is you need to do two things: work on yourself, because your feelings about this and what you choose to do with them will be the biggest impediment to surviving this situation, and secondly...make sure he's completely worth all that effort.
@chesseplease: It's a rough position to be in. For the people who know what he did, if they are your real friends they will be happy that you were able to move through such a hard time and still be in love. For those who are not, pay them no mind. You hold your head up high no matter what you think they must think of you. Everyone has secrets, and things they may be ashamed of. But you taking your man back is never something you should hang your head about.
EVERYONE deserves a second chance. Anyone can say that they would never ever cheat, but the right circumstances can change anyone. If this man is truly worth your love, he will learn from the circumstances and he will truly know that he never wants to do it again. A kiss is certainly a betrayal, but imagine if he had been more intimate with the woman... this situation would be three times harder.
Take advice from someone who has been there, lived through the heartache, and come out on top. If you are in love and honestly believe that he is too, forget about what anyone else thinks, you made the right choice.
And try to stop dwelling on it. You will have your moments where your heart will still feel completely broken. But you should just leave it to those moments. Don't allow it to consume you and take over in your everyday life because then it doesn't give you a a healthy mindset about your relationship.
It is always easy for people to say they would never forgive him when they have never been through it. But love will make you do things you never thought you could do. So keep your chin up, and fight to be happy with the man you love.
My hubby cheated on me; and it as a lot more than a kiss (we are talking a year long serious relationship). We were in a long distance relationship so at this point it is hard to tell ho was the other woman. Anyway, long story short, we both found out about each other at the same moment. Just thinking about it makes me ant to throw up... She left, I stayed. We both made a choice with all that it implies, and it as a difficult one.
I could not conceive my life without him, but it took a while for me to trust him again and deal ith the pain. We chose to make our life together but deep down, I know he might cheat again. And then, I don't know what I will do.
Before that event, I would have swear that I would have left, but realiy was different. Anyway, follow your heart (as corny as it sounds) and be prepared to live ith the consequencies: the pain, the anger, but also the hope of what might have been. Take some time apart, and see how it goes. Every situation is different and you are the only one who will have to live with it.
OP, I am sorry you've had to go through this. If I were in your shoes, it would have been very difficult for me to forgive, mostly because of the fact that he lied. Like eloping said, if it were just the kiss, I would hope the relationship would still be salvageable. If he had come running home to me apologizing for this stupid mistake, I think forgiveness would come a lot easier. But either way, it would be extremely hard for me to trust him again for quite some time. I honestly think counseling is going to be the only way you're going to be able to get "over" it, and I hope you two get the help you need for your relationship.
@Hirondelle: I am....shocked by your post. Am I understanding this right? Your man was involved in a relationship with both you and another woman for an entire year, and the other relationship only ceased because the woman discovered he was with someone else (you), and you... decided to marry the guy? You say it took you a while to trust him again, and yet you "know" he could cheat on you again in the future -- is that what you consider "trust?"
Ive been there. A few years ago, DH and I hit a very rough spot in our relationship. We were working opposite hours, didnt live together, hardly even spoke let alone saw each other. About a week after Thanksgiving I found out that he cheated on me. He didnt even have the balls to tell me himself, my best friend's boyfriend (they worked together) called me up to tell me that I should really ask him what was going on with this girl that they worked with. He didnt tell me specifics, just that he thought they were way closer than they should be and that he thought something was going on. When I confronted him about it, he spilled it that they had kissed (I found out later that it was much more than that). I was crushed. I tried to stick it out with him on the condition that he stop all contact with her. That lasted less than a month. I kept finding texts and such back and forth between the 2 of them saying "I love you baby" and sexual crap. Finally, I got found my self-respect and broke it off. I told him not to contact me any more.
I rebounded pretty hardcore and started messing around with a roommate of a friend I was living with. Well, about a week after we broke up, DH called at like 5 am crying. He told me that the whole situation was the dumbest thing he had ever done and that he realized that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He also told me that he understood if I never wanted to give him another chance, but that he really hoped we could start over. It was actually the guy I was messing around with that made me realize that I did want to give him a chance. This is going to sound bad, but we were making out and I realized how wrong it felt. DH and I decided to date for a while. We re-introduced ourselves to each other and went on casual dates for a couple months. Gradually, we made it "official" again and then got engaged. Now, we're married.
Im not going to tell you that its easy. Its not. I spent 2 months on a friends's couch, drunk every night, not eating, not sleeping, I lost 30 pounds. Its something that I still struggle with every once in a while. It takes time to heal the wounds. Thats so cliche, but its true. As for how I deal with people who know, I say eff em. Its not their damn life or their relationship. Thank god, my friends know better than to stick their noses into each others love lives.
My best piece of advice I can give it not to ignore it. You need to think about what happened, you need to complete your grieving process and learn to deal with your pain. If you dont, its going to fester inside you until eventually you will either break or you will have so much resentment toward him that it will ruin the relationship anyway. I know that it hurts, I know that its easier to hide and hope it goes away, but you cant. You have to face it.
FI (when he was still just my SO) cheated on me with this girl he randomly met on Facebook. He was being super secretive, hiding his phone, disappearing for hours, and buying things with no explanation. One night after he fell asleep, I took his phone and looked through it. It was awful the things I saw. I thought I would never forget or forgive him. I told him to stop talking to her, but he didn't. He still went to the movies with her where I confronted them both. It was the worst time of my life. I started looking at moving out and found a new place and that's when he realized I was serious about this being over. Finally, he stopped talking to her and became less secretive.
Ever since that ended, he has been completely open and honest with me. He knows I am still healing from it and knows that I have looked as his phone a few times and doesn't get mad because he knows I'm still working on trusting him again. It's a daily struggle, but we're getting there. He says that things changed for him when he realized how close I actually was to leaving and how he was about to lose me. So our relationship has gotten better and we are much closer. We take it one day at a time, and I'm slowly healing from the hurt he put me through. It's been hard, but I love him and don't want to leave him. He knows if he even thinks about doing anything similar again even talking to someone we will be done. So I understand how you feel completely.
I completely agree with zippylef that you have to let yourself grieve. I spent many mornings during that time on the couch crying and being depressed about my relationship. It helped me start to heal and I think it also made him realize what he had done when he saw me like that. It definitely wasn't easy.
@JMonzy:thank you for your reply, it really put a smile on my face. especially the m every1 deservz second chance. im glad you came out on top. i hope to be there aswell. :D xoxxo
I've never been cheated on, to my knowledge but I tend to stick to the rule that if you can get past it and have a loving relationship, then go for it. If you can't get past it and it continues to cause mistrust and fights for years to come, its not making you happy and you need to move on.
I used to think if my SO cheated on me I would leave him end. of. story. But after having finished a Marriage & Family Therapy certificate in my MA program, I have changed my mind. From our classes, readings, case studies, etc. I have come to see that cheating is nothing more than a symptom, albeit a really shitty symptom, in 4 out of 5 cases (I made up that number). So basically, there are 2 types of cheaters:
Type 1: He's just a total cad and will do whatever he wants and does not value monogamy even though he claims he does. He will most likely not give a crap if found out about and may even act like he is remorseful but his continued actions will show quite the contrary.
Type 2: Something was not totally right with the relationship or within the guy's head and he found an escape through cheating. This type will freak out crying if caught and will genuinely regret their cheating for the rest of their lives.
Your man obviously is Type 2 and that is great! Generally these are one-time cheats and really are just a sign that things weren't 100% right in paradise. When it's looked at as a symptom it's much easier to move on from it as you can see that he's not that way anymore and that he probably understands the better way to handle things is to talk about it before it becomes so bad that he needs an escape.
If you or anyone else wants more info, you can PM me as I have a ton of material on cheating and can recommend some great resources or modes of therapy if you are interested in couples counseling. It could really be helpful for you guys to go to counseling even though this happened some time ago because it's obviously still effecting you and if you find the right counselor that can make all the difference.
I have a friend who admitted to me they were going through a depression stage and would take it out on her man. He always seemed like a good guy to me. She was verbally abusive, sometimes physically towards him, would drink and lash out at him. And one day he had a fling with a coworker (well not 'one day' but one day things got physical with this coworker) because he had enough. He totally regretted it and they are still together. She said she stayed because she knew she was not being a great girlfriend. But man, I wish people would really get the balls to either leave if they're unhappy or work it out in some other way. It turns into such a mess.
I don't judge people though. When I look at her or him it's not the first thing that comes to mind. I've known another couple who dealt with cheating and they are married now. I don't think about it when I'm around them either.
Just wanted to say that I do not share the above opinion of Lady Love. Good luck with salvaging your relationship.
@AudzinLuv: I respectfully disagree because of this, below. He was not even the one going back to beg her forgiveness!
I missed him so much that one day I called him and the rest was history we got back together that same day.
ETA - I don't care if "he thought I never wanted to see him again" or what have you...if a man is truly sorry and wants to prove it to you, he will come to you on his hands and knees and beg forgiveness. And that point, the woman can consider taking him back.
I would like to believe that people do make mistakes (they are after all human) and they can learn from them, grow from them and never repeat them.
I don't believe in the “once a cheater always a cheater” mentality. (Unless this person is a habitual cheater or something). I think people sometimes make really bad choices. Does that mean that they are a bad person forever... I would like to think that if I make some bad decisions someone doesn't classify me as a bad person for life.
*I have never cheated on FI, nor do I plan on it
I haven't been in this position but I really feel for you. I think that, depending on you and him, it can be done. A relationship is such a private thing and no-one else can say how it will turn out. Much love to you :)
RainStorm. xx
I think everyone is very different. It sounds like he trully does regret it and that both of you want to give it another go.
I personally have always told myself that a physical cheat would not be the last straw for me. If I found out that my SO cheated physically with someone else, would I be hurt? Absolutely, but I think I too would have a very hard time staying away from him after all we have been through.
However, a personal, emotional relationship would probably be a breaker for me.
To me, ANYBODY can have sex with ANYBODY else, but it takes a certain something more to connect with another person. I know that love isn't always the most black and white thing, and people make mistakes, and people don't always know what they want. Sexual tension is a powerful thing, and if your relationship is on the rocks, a physical connection with another person could feel like a way to fill that void. Is it right? No, but he's not the first cheater, and you're not the first to be cheated on.
I'm not speaking from experience as far as cheating, but I do know what it's like when you're in a relationship you don't feel comfortable in, with issues that you feel will never get resolved, and then talking to someone else who seems to be on your same page. I've had this happen and broke off my relationship before things progressed to a point of cheating. While we were apart I drank like a fish to keep myself from thinking of the breakup, even though I had been the one to initiate it, and found that I was just getting caught up in the moment. A moment that wouldn't last, not like SO and I would. We got back together and have been ever since. Being in that situation made me really see how someone could get caught up, if just for a moment and find themselves cheating.
To stay with him or not is strictly up to you, and how you two work through it is your business. But I hope the best for you guys and your happiness.
@LaurenK0105:your reply realy struck a cord. i think i get it. thats all i really needed to hear, thanks everyone but i will not be returning to this post because i got the responce that i needed from some bees and i dont need to read the negative or tuff love ones because thats not what can help a person like me.
thank you ladies. wish every1 happiness
@Lady_Love: Interesting point, but maybe in a situation like you described the man is so disgusted with himself and thinks that he's ruined the relationship and lost his woman forever. Maybe he thinks it's hopeless and pointless to try to contact her because he thinks she'll just slam the door in his face. Then when she approaches later wanting to reconcile, he's beyond thrilled and 100% committed to monogamy now. I don't know, but it could be possible. I have cheated on an ex before, but I haven't repeated that offensive behavior with my fiance, nor do I think I'm doomed to become a serial cheater. Different circumstances have different outcomes, and all I was saying is that I don't necessarily agree with you that the OP's man thinks she's a "sucker" and only uses her for sex. I'd much rather root for a relationship to grow stronger & healthier, heal, and overcome adversity than damn it to Hell.
@chesseplease: But how does Lauren know your man is type 2? I know you want it to work out and I really really hope it does for you. But I don't understand why bees post when they already know they will never leave their guy, like yourself. Be careful I guess :(
If my husband just kissed another girl, no emotional attachment whatsoever, no intercourse, just kissed, I would DEFINITELY leave. BUT, he should definitely come after me and apologize right? After all, it was just a kiss. See what I'm getting at?
I had a similar experience a little over a year ago. My FI and I were thinking of leaving the state together and changed our mind last minute to help a friend. She was wanting a place of her own but needed a roommate for the extra income so he moved back in with his parents and i got a place with her. One night after he left the appartment, saying he was going home, he went to his ex girlfriends house to hang out. He apparently fell asleep on her bed with her in his arms. Nothing more happened but that was enough for him to feel guilty and break up with me. He told me what had happened and that if he was really happy with our relationship then it wouldn't even have gotten that far. I tried to forget about him and move on but it didn't work. I ended up back in bed with him and then pregnant. A few months into the pregnancy we decided to try it again and when his ex tried to work her way back into the picture he ignored her. We are now 26 days from the wedding and doing great. He is a wonderful father to our little boy and says he can't imagine it any other way. I know I can trust him because neither of us want to put our son threw a divorce. Both of us have gone threw it and said a long time ago that there were only a couple valid reasons for it so unless he becomes abusive or cheats again then we will be find a way threw our problems. He is working hard to make the wedding something special and he wouldn't be doing that if he didn't think it would work out then he would be trying to put it off.
Everyone knows we broke up for something, and a few people know the actual reason, but no one mantions it because we are happy and moving on with our lives. We are planning on being together for the rest of our lives and those that know what happened know that it really isn't like him so as long as I trust him they do too.
I think it's really easy for people who have never been cheated on to say that you shouldn't get back together with him. You truly don't know how you will react until you are put in that situation. That being said I've been cheated on by several people I have dated but the situation was different with both.
The first guy who cheated on me was the first guy I'd ever dated. I was devastated but in the end I knew that we really weren't meant to be together. I told him to hit the road and I moved on.
The second guy -- I kinda figured something was off with the relationship and could sense that he might have been cheating. But instead of confronting him about it, I decided to get him back by cheating myself. He ended up finding out about that and we ended it.
The most recent guy/FI -- He has now cheated on me 3 times (not physically that I know of but emotionally through emails and texts) and as much as I want to tell him to take a hike, I find myself still holding on. I can't entirely justify why I am sticking around other than to say that I love him unconditionally and feel like he has a sickness that I shouldn't just abandon him because of. I strongly feel that everyone deserves a second chance so after the first time, even though it took me many months to start to trust him again, I did. I wanted to and we worked really hard on building that trust again.
The second time it happened I actually did break up with him because I saw that something was wrong. To be honest, it was more to send a message to him that I wasn't just gonna let whatever happen. But nonetheless I left. Each of these times he was incredibly remorseful and upset, saying he would never do that again. I eventually took him back because life just wasn't as wonderful without him. It wasn't that I couldn't live without him, it was that I didn't want to. Honesty was the most important part of that healing process. I asked him to tell me every female who talked to him and every time he felt like he wanted to talk to someone online. Like I said, it wasn't easy and I occasionally found myself snooping but after a while I felt like I could trust him again.
This last time has been the hardest so far. After he proposed, I thought that he had finally realized that he was ready to commit to us. But finding out he wasn't was extremely hard. I felt betrayed as a friend because I had even told him that if he wanted to live a life like this I would completely accept that -- if he was only honest with me. I felt that honesty was the only thing I ever needed out of the relationship (everything else is just a bonus) and that was the only thing missing. He says he has a problem that he can't control and from his response to all this and what his friends say, I'm inclined to agree. He decided to seek out a therapist. So even though every inch of me wants to tell him we are through for good, I am still holding onto that hope (albeit far-fetched) that one day everything will be ok.
Even after the first two times, my friends and family only told me that they supported me and wanted me to be happy. They said they would stand behind whatever decision I made because no matter what they thought, ultimately I was the one who'd have to live with the decision.
I say, as long as you are looking out for what is best for you (not staying in an abusive relationship, or a relationship where every 5 seconds you are checking him, etc.), I think that you can totally find happiness. But after all is said and done, if you are crying more than you are smiling, I think it might be time to move on.
My partner of 7 years cheated on me once, about 6 months into our relationship. When I say cheated, I mean the full deal. She had sex with a woman we both worked with at the time. She came to me and told me the truth pretty quickly. It took a long time to build that trust back. To say she broke my heart would be a huge understatement because I never expected that kind of behavior from her. It took a long time to get things back on track and even though I forgave her a long time ago, I have not forgotten. She knows if she ever did it again that I would divorce her (we are legally married in the state we live in).
I made her earn my trust all over again, we went back to square one. It was a good thing in that regard because we rushed into our relationship before this. When we started dating I moved in 3 weeks from our first date. So, starting all over slowed us down and made us build a more solid foundation.
Our friends and family know what happened, as did many of our coworkers. For a long time it was very humiliating for me but as time has gone on it's much easier. I rarely think about it anymore.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, it's such a hard thing.
My fiancé kissed another girl about 5 months ago after we'd been together a year and a half. We've had some issues because I'm not 100% mentally stable and have abandonment issues/borderline (but I've been in therapy a year and we've both grown and gotten stronger because of everything). It's not always easy for him and he ended up getting drunk and kissing another girl in the back of his friend's mustang.
His friends (our mutual friends) told me about a week later and then the girl's friend posted pictures of facebook of them hugging and it makes me sick if I think about it, but he didn't go out and try to cheat. He was in the moment and made a mistake. I can understand him wanting someone to just want him and not bother him like I'd been doing the entire night (I was calling him from home).
We were really rocky for a few weeks and it took up to a couple months ago to really move forward completely. I had to forgive him 100% and trust him to not repeat his mistakes. And he's really put his heart&&energy into our relationship. He was patient with me forgiving him, but I know if I bring it up now it'll really upset him because it's in the past. I trust him to not repeat his mistakes and if he did, I would leave.
Our friends all know and no one talks about it. At first there were some bad comments, but now we've all moved on. They were all very disappointed and mad at him, so he had to get everyone to forgive him. And now we've all grown from it.
My dad cheated on my mom once when i was about 10 or 11 , i had a difficult time trusting him after hurting my mom like that, but i had a talk with my mom and she asked me something i'd like to ask you
- If you could erase that one incident, would loving him be easier?"
I'm assuming her answer was Yes because they are still married and happy going on 30th year
I've been there, and yes it sucks.
I'm 30 years old and so is my FI. He cheated on me a while back and I caught him.I took him back after some time, and we are now about to be married.
Some things I took into consideration when taking him back...
1. our age (really maturity level, but age plays a role in that)
2. How sorry he was
3. How much he reached out to me.
4. How patient he would be with me.
It's very difficult. Even now I have a hard time. People do make mistakes, and lots of guys cheat. I value trust and HONESTY most in my relationsip so this was devatstating to me.It's been very hard but I am have been very strong.
I also heard lots of negativity from even my best friends. Nobody had anything good to say and I was so embarrased to tell people I took him back....only because I knew that people would be judging me. And they did and I'm sure they still do. However, most people think they are in a place to judge others, but they aren't. Even after we were engaged, people still would have negative things to say. All relationships have problems.
BUT fast forward, yes we struggle with the past but we work together to get through it. It is hard for both of us at times, but I do know he is truly sorry. I am so happy. I love him and I know that he loves me. We make a great family and I do trust him. I know that my trust now is not naive, it's very real. But like I said, we work together to get through it, and that ca be the hardest part I think.
I stayed with my ex for 5 years after he cheated. We never got over it. But we didn't handle it properly, either.
Right after he cheated, he was truly sorry and regretful and he just wanted the whole ordeal behind him. I was of course shocked and hurt, and needed a lot of time to heal. It caused us to butt heads because I was having trust and insecurity issues and he basically told me to shut up and stop "hanging it over [his] head" So I bottled everything up and healed by myself with no support.He even resumed his friendship with the girl in question and when I protested, he accused me of being out of control so again, i sucked it up and dealt with it myself.
It took a long time - at least 2 years - but I made it to the point where I was comfortable with him and myself and no longer found the cheating issue haunting my life. But then he started having insecurities. I went away for college so we were an hour apart and I cannot count the number of times he either expressed worry over, or flat out accused me of cheating on him because I was an attractive girl surrounded by good looking guys who were really smart while he was a regular blue collar guy.
I think cheating can be worked out but you definitely have to work on it together. You can't just try to sweep it under the rug or it'll crawl back out and bite you.
My ex boyfriend cheated on me, after 2 years. We never got past it, after I tried for 9 months to forgive him. He was also a pathological liar; he never admitted things I knew happened and I think he began to believe his own lies. The rage that I felt after being continuously lied to, still comes back when I think of him...his "affair" also went on for 2 months with a STRIPPER....BLEGH! Anyway....we were very young, and couldn't get past it. If my SO now ever did anything like that, we'd be over in a heart beat (and we've been together for almost 6 yrs). It's just such a vulnerability that can't be messed with, and I know I am not a forgiving person.
I was with my boyfriend for almost 3 years when I found out he had cheated on me a few times. I was devastated. I tried moving on but I couldn't. We got back together, but things werent the same. I could constantly bring it up and it caused a whole lot of problems. We broke up again, we both tried dating other people. But somehow we ended up getting back together. But this time, we were willing to do ANYTHING to make our relationship work. We seeked counseling and let me tell you, IT WORKED. We both learned alot about each other, our relationship, and most importantly about ourselves. We discovered why we were the way we were, why he cheated, and how to move forward. It wasnt easy but we did it. We have been back together for almost 4 years now. We just bought our first home together and we are getting married in a couple of months. And our relationship is so much better. Even though it was a horrible experience, I do believe it made our relationship stronger.
My friends judged me at the beginning but they learned to respect my choice. They are now happy to see me happy.
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Hi guys, I'm not feeling to good.
Ok let me take you back in time to my relationship. . . . . .( 2 years and a half ago)
Me and So are good i love him and he loves me. <3 We are arguing a bit but we are fine. ( to my knowledge ) One day someone tells me that my so kissed a girl in a Little get together.
My heart DROPS. I swear to you i felt it drop. Weve been togther a year and some months and bamm this !?
If the girl never told me i no he would of NEVER told me. When I lashed out on him he of course denied it but i had proof. He pleaded he cried he did all that and more. At that point i wanted nothing to do with him so i broke up with him and i tried to move on for about two months. I missed him so much that one day I called him and the rest was history we got back together that same day. He thought i would NEVER want him back that is the reason for me calling him ,BUt i do not trust him 100% because now i no what he can do.
Beez listen i tried everything in my power to not want him and just move on but i couldn't !! He told me he use to cry all the time and yada yada.
Ok fast forward to now . . . Obviously all my friends new what happened or new something 'wrong' happened i guess. Im not a open person but word gets around.
I was at a get together with my friends and every one is talking about there husbands or FH and i just stay shut about my SO because i feel so embarrassed of what he put me through. what am i guna say ? Even tho he cheated bla bla blah!! ?
I know i love this guy more than anything but thinking about what he put me through drives me insane. Its like i just ignore it to be honest. It just hurts too much to think about it.
I'm just wondering if anyone has been to a similar situation or worst and has gotten over it. How do you feel in front of your friends or people that know what he did??
sorry for the long post i jus need some kind words of advice or stories from you guys that could maybe jus a tad bit make me feel ok.
XoX0
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