(Closed) Who has been cheated on by there present So and still with him?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Who has been cheated on by there present So and still with him?
    No, never ! : (283 votes)
    73 %
    Yes i love him, people make mistakes. : (68 votes)
    17 %
    yes but i got back and cheated : (16 votes)
    4 %
    no that i know of o_O ? : (22 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 3
    1041 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    Wow that is a tough one. Personally, I dont think I could trust again after that. But only you know your heart and you said you still love him. Do you believe that he is sorry? Maybe you guys should look into couples counseling to try to get through this. I do believe that people make mistakes and maybe he will never do it again….. As for feeling embarrased around your friends, if they are your real friends they wouldnt make you feel bad.

    Post # 4
    5993 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    i would like to think i wouldnt throw away our relationship if i found out that he had kiss someone else – it wouldnt be easy to regain the trust and deal with the hurt but i dont believe once a cheater always a cheater and i do believe people sometimes good people make stupid and bad mistakes

    i do think if something like this was to happen then counselling would be needed so we can communicate and deal with the residual hurt it would cause – have you spoken to anyone about how you are feeling??

    your then Boyfriend or Best Friend did a stupid hurtful thing and when busted he lied about it – but its been a number of years since then, im hoping he has proven himself to be honest and trustworthy to you


    Post # 5
    3639 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    It’s a simple answer to people who ask why you are back with him “The pain of not being with him outweighed the pain of the betrayal.”

    Think long term, in 5 or 10 years this will not matter anymore, people will have forgotten, the pain will be less. But the two of you will be happy together. 

    It’s hard when people know, but in normal conversation, continue to talk the way you normally would, he has so many other great qualities – everyone has flaws. 

    Be strong, it’s hard, but he’s worth it. 🙂

    Post # 7
    6256 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: March 2014

     If you want to salvage this, you’re going to have to forgive him 100% or this thing will eventually go septic on you. If you think you’ll harbor any grudge at all, it’s best to walk away, because even if you stay with him through the cheating, there’s no way of knowing that the emotional poison that this situation has caused won’t come bubbling up and ruin the relationship on its own, in ways (nagging, distancing, verbal abuse) completely unrelated to the cheating.

    Basically, what I’m saying is you need to do two things: work on yourself, because your feelings about this and what you choose to do with them will be the biggest impediment to surviving this situation, and secondly…make sure he’s completely worth all that effort.

    Post # 8
    48 posts
    • Wedding: October 2011

    @chesseplease: It’s a rough position to be in.  For the people who know what he did, if they are your real friends they will be happy that you were able to move through such a hard time and still be in love.  For those who are not, pay them no mind.  You hold your head up high no matter what you think they must think of you. Everyone has secrets, and things they may be ashamed of.  But you taking your man back is never something you should hang your head about.

    EVERYONE deserves a second chance.  Anyone can say that they would never ever cheat, but the right circumstances can change anyone.  If this man is truly worth your love, he will learn from the circumstances and he will truly know that he never wants to do it again. A kiss is certainly a betrayal, but imagine if he had been more intimate with the woman… this situation would be three times harder.

    Take advice from someone who has been there, lived through the heartache, and come out on top. If you are in love and honestly believe that he is too, forget about what anyone else thinks, you made the right choice.

    And try to stop dwelling on it.  You will have your moments where your heart will still feel completely broken.  But you should just leave it to those moments. Don’t allow it to consume you and take over in your everyday life because then it doesn’t give you a a healthy mindset about your relationship.

    It is always easy for people to say they would never forgive him when they have never been through it.  But love will make you do things you never thought you could do. So keep your chin up, and fight to be happy with the man you love.

    Post # 9
    744 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    My hubby cheated on me; and it as a lot more than a kiss (we are talking a year long serious relationship). We were in a long distance relationship so at this point it is hard to tell ho was the other woman. Anyway, long story short, we both found out about each other at the same moment. Just thinking about it makes me ant to throw up… She left, I stayed. We both made a choice with all that it implies, and it as a difficult one.

    I could not conceive my life without him, but it took a while for me to trust him again and deal ith the pain. We chose to make our life together but deep down, I know he might cheat again. And then, I don’t know what I will do.

    Before that event, I would have swear that I would have left, but realiy was different. Anyway, follow your heart (as corny as it sounds) and be prepared to live ith the consequencies: the pain, the anger, but also the hope of what might have been. Take some time apart, and see how it goes. Every situation is different and you are the only one who will have to live with it.

    Post # 10
    1729 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    OP, I am sorry you’ve had to go through this. If I were in your shoes, it would have been very difficult for me to forgive, mostly because of the fact that he lied. Like eloping said, if it were just the kiss, I would hope the relationship would still be salvageable. If he had come running home to me apologizing for this stupid mistake, I think forgiveness would come a lot easier. But either way, it would be extremely hard for me to trust him again for quite some time. I honestly think counseling is going to be the only way you’re going to be able to get “over” it, and I hope you two get the help you need for your relationship.


    @Hirondelle: I am….shocked by your post. Am I understanding this right? Your man was involved in a relationship with both you and another woman for an entire year, and the other relationship only ceased because the woman discovered he was with someone else (you), and you… decided to marry the guy? You say it took you a while to trust him again, and yet you “know” he could cheat on you again in the future — is that what you consider “trust?”

    Post # 11
    7779 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Ive been there. A few years ago, Darling Husband and I hit a very rough spot in our relationship. We were working opposite hours, didnt live together, hardly even spoke let alone saw each other. About a week after Thanksgiving I found out that he cheated on me. He didnt even have the balls to tell me himself, my best friend’s boyfriend (they worked together) called me up to tell me that I should really ask him what was going on with this girl that they worked with. He didnt tell me specifics, just that he thought they were way closer than they should be and that he thought something was going on. When I confronted him about it, he spilled it that they had kissed (I found out later that it was much more than that). I was crushed. I tried to stick it out with him on the condition that he stop all contact with her. That lasted less than a month. I kept finding texts and such back and forth between the 2 of them saying “I love you baby” and sexual crap. Finally, I got found my self-respect and broke it off. I told him not to contact me any more.

    I rebounded pretty hardcore and started messing around with a roommate of a friend I was living with. Well, about a week after we broke up, Darling Husband called at like 5 am crying. He told me that the whole situation was the dumbest thing he had ever done and that he realized that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He also told me that he understood if I never wanted to give him another chance, but that he really hoped we could start over. It was actually the guy I was messing around with that made me realize that I did want to give him a chance. This is going to sound bad, but we were making out and I realized how wrong it felt. Darling Husband and I decided to date for a while. We re-introduced ourselves to each other and went on casual dates for a couple months. Gradually, we made it “official” again and then got engaged. Now, we’re married.

    Im not going to tell you that its easy. Its not. I spent 2 months on a friends’s couch, drunk every night, not eating, not sleeping, I lost 30 pounds. Its something that I still struggle with every once in a while. It takes time to heal the wounds. Thats so cliche, but its true. As for how I deal with people who know, I say eff em. Its not their damn life or their relationship. Thank god, my friends know better than to stick their noses into each others love lives.

    My best piece of advice I can give it not to ignore it. You need to think about what happened, you need to complete your grieving process and learn to deal with your pain. If you dont, its going to fester inside you until eventually you will either break or you will have so much resentment toward him that it will ruin the relationship anyway. I know that it hurts, I know that its easier to hide and hope it goes away, but you cant. You have to face it.

    Post # 12
    543 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    Fiance (when he was still just my SO) cheated on me with this girl he randomly met on Facebook. He was being super secretive, hiding his phone, disappearing for hours, and buying things with no explanation. One night after he fell asleep, I took his phone and looked through it. It was awful the things I saw. I thought I would never forget  or forgive him. I told him to stop talking to her, but he didn’t.  He still went to the movies with her where I confronted them both. It was the worst time of my life. I started looking at moving out and found a new place and that’s when he realized I was serious about this being over. Finally, he stopped talking to her and became less secretive.

    Ever since that ended, he has been completely open and honest with me. He knows I am still healing from it and knows that I have looked as his phone a few times and doesn’t get mad because he knows I’m still working on trusting him again. It’s a daily struggle, but we’re getting there. He says that things changed for him when he realized how close I actually was to leaving and how he was about to lose me. So our relationship has gotten better and we are much closer. We take it one day at a time, and I’m slowly healing from the hurt he put me through. It’s been hard, but I love him and don’t want to leave him. He knows if he even thinks about doing anything similar again even talking to someone we will be done. So I understand how you feel completely.

    I completely agree with zippylef that you have to let yourself grieve. I spent many mornings during that time on the couch crying and being depressed about my relationship. It helped me start to heal and I think it also made him realize what he had done when he saw me like that. It definitely wasn’t easy.

    Post # 14
    2116 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I’ve never been cheated on, to my knowledge but I tend to stick to the rule that if you can get past it and have a loving relationship, then go for it. If you can’t get past it and it continues to cause mistrust and fights for years to come, its not making you happy and you need to move on.

    Post # 15
    600 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2006

    I used to think if my SO cheated on me I would leave him end. of. story.  But after having finished a Marriage & Family Therapy certificate in my MA program, I have changed my mind.  From our classes, readings, case studies, etc. I have come to see that cheating is nothing more than a symptom, albeit a really shitty symptom, in 4 out of 5 cases (I made up that number).  So basically, there are 2 types of cheaters:

    Type 1: He’s just a total cad and will do whatever he wants and does not value monogamy even though he claims he does.  He will most likely not give a crap if found out about and may even act like he is remorseful but his continued actions will show quite the contrary.

    Type 2: Something was not totally right with the relationship or within the guy’s head and he found an escape through cheating.  This type will freak out crying if caught and will genuinely regret their cheating for the rest of their lives.

    Your man obviously is Type 2 and that is great!  Generally these are one-time cheats and really are just a sign that things weren’t 100% right in paradise.  When it’s looked at as a symptom it’s much easier to move on from it as you can see that he’s not that way anymore and that he probably understands the better way to handle things is to talk about it before it becomes so bad that he needs an escape.

    If you or anyone else wants more info, you can PM me as I have a ton of material on cheating and can recommend some great resources or modes of therapy if you are interested in couples counseling.  It could really be helpful for you guys to go to counseling even though this happened some time ago because it’s obviously still effecting you and if you find the right counselor that can make all the difference.

    Post # 16
    162 posts
    Blushing bee

    I have a friend who admitted to me they were going through a depression stage and would take it out on her man. He always seemed like a good guy to me. She was verbally abusive, sometimes physically towards him, would drink and lash out at him. And one day he had a fling with a coworker (well not ‘one day’ but one day things got physical with this coworker) because he had enough. He totally regretted it and they are still together. She said she stayed because she knew she was not being a great girlfriend. But man, I wish people would really get the balls to either leave if they’re unhappy or work it out in some other way. It turns into such a mess.

    I don’t judge people though. When I look at her or him it’s not the first thing that comes to mind. I’ve known another couple who dealt with cheating and they are married now. I don’t think about it when I’m around them either. 

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