Post # 1
I was reading through a few of the waiting posts on here and I read a comment that sat with me in a bad way, and I’m still thinking about it hours later.
One bee was talking about waiting and wondering about getting married, and a bee replied:
“He now knows he has all the power in the relationship”
Hmmmmmmm….I suppose to me, I’ve always felt that marriage is a choice that two people make together. Am I crazy? Does it matter who brings it up first?
Just wanted to get a NWR discussion about this to see everyone’s thoughts. Thanks!
Post # 3
@veryberry13: Everyone has power in a relationship…just some people have more power, and in different ways. So for example if a woman wants a ring from her boyfriend or girlfriend, then the person withholding the ring has the power to give her what she wants. However, the woman ALSO has power in that she doesn’t have to accept the ring when and if it comes. So there’s always a give and take, you know?
Post # 4
@veryberry13: I think everyone’s relationship is different, so a statement like that may be true for some but not for others. I personally have never been “waiting,” however, my husband and I discussed marriage as part of our engagment. I’ve always felt that if one person is ready to get married, they should be able to ask the other person regardless of gender. We picked out the ring together, planned the wedding together, etc., but other brides may have different expectations (i.e. wanting to be surprised, not wanting the groom to see the dress, etc).
Post # 5
@veryberry13: Yikes… no relationship should be about power.
Okay, I kinda see the point- the guy now knows that he has “power” over when he proposes, or if he does at all. But in my view, she has power too- she has the power to express her feelings to him- that she’s worth marriage, and sooner rather than later- and she also has the power to end the relationship if it’s not going where she wants to be. (As does he). There’s always give and take, and one person may have more power over certain aspects of their life/home/relationship than the other, but if you don’t have balance there is something very wrong. JMHO.
Post # 6
We are equal in our relationship. When we decided to get engaged, we discussed it like adults. I knew that he needed to get through college first (he went back to college after dropping out the first time around) and get a job. Once he got a job, we went ring shopping and then we were engaged a month later the week the ring came.
I don’t think it matters who brings it up first. I was always upfront with my husband. I let him know that if our relationship was not going anywhere then let me know because I’m not interested in wasting my time. Luckily, he wasn’t interested in wasting my time too.
Post # 7
@veryberry13: The idea of power in a relationship really disturbs me. I want (and found and have worked hard to maintain) a partnership. I’ve never once felt like I had power over my fiance or that he had power over me.
And I don’t think it matters at all who brings up marriage first. If one person wants it, he or she should say so.
Post # 8
I feel as if I can take over power in the relationship…but I choose not to, because it’s not the right thing to do. I don’t want a relationship where one person is over powering another person. I was in a previous marriage where I was being controlled. I will not do that to my FI. I choose to be 50/50 with him and in a relaxed relationship. no one bosses each other around. If things need to be done, we do it. No complaining or over powering one another.
Post # 9
@peachacid: I think this is a good point, both people do have the power in some ways, men with the asking and women either with accepting or refusing the proposal.
The idea of one person having ‘power’ really bothers me. I don’t want to feel like I have power over my SO, or that he has power over me……And from what I’ve gathered from this site is that many couples do talk about the future of their relationship together and I think that’s a healthy practice.
Post # 10
I think if you’ve bought into the idea that the man decides when you will be getting married and you breathlessly wait for him to make the decision, you choose to lose your power.
“He…has all the power in the relationship” because she gave it to him. I understand wanting your proposal to be a surprise, but not at the expense of stress, angst, feelings of powerlessness, etc.
Post # 11
@veryberry13: The ONLY power ongoing power struggle in our house is over what we watch on tv…and thats about it.
Post # 12
@veryberry13: I’m with you. To give power (because someone can’t take control unless you let them) to one person or the other in a relationship is a foreign concept to me and just seems so unhealthy. A relationship should be about two people on equal ground. No one person should have the power.
Post # 13
@Syzygy88: +100 to this:
“I understand wanting your proposal to be a surprise, but not at the expense of stress, angst, feelings of powerlessness, etc.”
Wow…that used to be me a year ago and I was stressed, angry, felt powerless and it was awful!
Things have really turned around for me personally once I just started asking my SO what his plans for the future were, and now we are both saving for our future together.
@Nona99: LOL my SO and I fight over the big screen TV, but for the most part we can watch what we want on our laptops. This should be the only power struggle in relationships!
Post # 14
@peachacid: said, in Reply # 2
Everyone has power in a relationship…just some people have more power, and in different ways. So for example if a woman wants a ring from her boyfriend or girlfriend, then the person withholding the ring has the power to give her what she wants. However, the woman ALSO has power in that she doesn’t have to accept the ring when and if it comes. So there’s always a give and take, you know?
Agree 100% with this… but I would add:
And the woman also has the Power to walk away, and not wait.
When I post about Waiting I say that it is ridiculous to wait thru a long list of excuses if ultimately nothing has changed OR will change at the end of it all…
That is a woman “giving up her power” in the relationship.
When a couple has been open and exchanged their LIFE PLANS they are on the same page… no one is really waiting… they both are WORKING towards a common goal with a timeline on when things will happen.
That is different than another kind of waiting
The kind that happens when the girl knows the guy has bought The Ring, or is planning The Proposal.
That kind of waiting is just waiting for the right moment… knowing that it will happen fairly shortly… and end with the words YES I WILL MARRY YOU
That is more like the Engagement itself… when BOTH people are Waiting To Marry… when both are on the same page and have a definite plan that concludes at a particular place & time with the words I DO
Hope this helps,
Post # 15
@veryberry13: I saw that too and had the same response: “Power? Whatttt?” Lol. I think in an ideal world, the relationship isn’t about power. Shouldn’t be, at least. But sometimes it’s unintentional. I’ve always heard that the person who needs the relationship the least is the person who has the most power.
I don’t really know where I’m going with my comment except to say that, at least in my and Mr. H’s relationship together, there is no perceived “power.” We are equal. It’s not 50/50, it’s 100/100 every day. We have no use for power because power (IMO) implies the intent to use it over someone.
IDK IF I’M MAKING SENSSSEEEEE (I have Thanksgiving-week-and-I’m-at-work brain.)
Post # 16
And ya, beyond this discussion…
There should be no power struggles in a Marriage. It should 100% be a partnership. Where everything is equal.
Which is also why I am a BIG Proponent of being ALL-IN including financially. Everything IMO in a Marriage should be MINE + YOURS = OURS. There should be no with-holding / holding back etc.
To me that is a recipe for problems.