Post # 1
One thing I’ve run across in my wedding plans is that….it seems that the focus on what and who is being celebrated is a little…off. Who is this wedding really about? The couple getting married, or the guests they have invited?
We obsess over the food we will serve them, what the invitations look like that we send them, how much alcohol (or lack thereof) we serve them, what favors we give them, what activities they will be able to take part in at the wedding, stuff for them in the bathrooms, what music they’ll want to hear, what kind of seating they’ll want us to use (assigned or not), how comfortable they’ll be where the wedding is, etc. etc. etc. etc.
While these are of course nice things, and you want these people that are special to you to enjoy themselves…sometimes in the midst of obsessing over all of these things I stop and wonder…who is this really about? Isn’t it supposed to be OUR day?
Post # 3
It is "our" day. However, the wedding reception is the first party you are hosting as a married couple, unless your parents are hosting. So you and your husband want to start off on a ‘good foot’ and give them the best of everything possible. Most couples are happy with it cause these are people they love/care for and want to treat for coming to share in their nuptials.
Post # 4
IMO (and i know some peope disagree, that marriage is about joining of families) but the wedding is about my FI and I joining OUR lives together. Frankly, our families will always be there for us, and our families have their own opihions about what kind of wedding WE shoudl have, but ultimately, we are going with what we want. None of its’ offensive or anything, but we wanted a garden wedding, so we’re having it. We want it on a Saturday night, so we’re having that. We aren’t wasting our money, but we are, according to others. You can’t make everyone happy, so we are focusing on making ourselves happy, and our families and friends will have fun regardless. I look at it this way: our families are just supporting chess players in our own game of life. Sure, they are always there for us. But ultimately, you cannot have a healthy marriage if you don’t put your spouses first. No matter what. At some point your spouse becomes more important, and I firmly believe he or she should! I had to tell my FI at some point that I wasn’t taking back seat to his mom anymore if i was going to be his wife. What I have to say is more important now. Not *more important* but you know what I mean. YOu grow up and you become a spouse, and you aren’t a child anymore. So for us, that meant a wedding about us and what we like! I want people to enjoy themselves and have fun, but ultimately, I have stopped second guessing myself because I realize that in the end, nobody remembers or cares as much as I think they will. People will not and don’t care as much as I care, so why should I try to appease them all? I just focus on appeasing my hubby-to-be and me.
A friend of mine is not religious. Well, her mom is making her get married in a church, saying someday she’ll be glad she listened. Well, I now have to listen to my friend complain about why suddenly this is a necessary thing and how unhappy she is about this. She said she’s basically starting her marriage off on somebody else’s foot. I don’t want any regrets, so i’m doing it my way! *frank sinatra in the background* loL
It is your day! Don’t forget it. But we want our guests to enjoy all the little aspects because THAT reflects US, right? We are basically throwing our own party, haha. And we want people to come and celebrate WITH us. But not necessarily be all about them.
Post # 5
I know it’s supposed to be "our" day, but for us, it’s really about our families and friends. In my ideal world, I’d be eloping or having a small small small ceremony somewhere. Our relatives would all be totally heartbroken though…so we’re having a big (but casual) wedding shindig like they all want. So it does make us think a LOT about what is best for all of them and what they’ll appreciate and try to focus on those things. This probably just really varies from person to person, I know it’s special and memorable to have a day to mark commitment, but we’re mostly just treating it like a big old party/reunion for everybody that loves us.
Post # 6
- Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall
@krgk84 – We don’t like ceremony or parties or lots of attention on us… So any wedding I were to have would be about the guests. That’s partially why we decided not to have one. I think this is one of those rare occasions when you throw yourSELF a party. It used to be that the bride’s family was throwing a party to celebrate the marriage of their daughter. They’d invite all their friends and the in-laws/in-law friends too. Since it’s less common for parents to pay these days, it does become a weird "this-is-our-wedding-but-its-a-performance-for-you" sort of thing.
Post # 7
Yeah…I didn’t mean we *shouldn’t* do nice things for our guests, because they ARE important to us…I’m just saying that sometimes it seems like it gets to the point where it isn’t even our wedding anymore, it’s everyone else’s. lol
Post # 8
I feel like this post was wriiten to me. EVERY day, 5 to 6 times per day, I get phone calls from various people about how some aspect of the wedding isnt accomodating them, their schedule, their vision…I know this is selfish, but I really thought that just this one day, it all got to be about me. Instead, I feel like I am driving myself crazy trying to please everyone else. Its taking all of the sparkle away from my ‘special day’. At this point, rather than anticipating the day, Im ready for it to be over, if only so my phone would stop ringing – WHILE IM AT WORK!
So, lesson learned…if youre just starting to plan, please put the emphasis on your happiness. The guests should be comfortable, but the wedding should not be about their comfort. If I had a party at home, I wouldnt buy new dishes becuase my guests didnt like the pattern and I wouldnt repaint because they thought the walls would look better in ivory instead of white…if all I had was wine and they complained, Id tell them to run down to the local market and grab a bottle on scotch if they wanted something else. So why the hell am I stressing myself out now….HUH!!!
Post # 9
We are struggling with this every day, especially as it gets closer. FI has said more than I want to hear that he’s worried people will feel that they came all this way to our wedding for nothing. Grrr.
There has to be a compromise, though, because it is our wedding, and our guests want to come celebrate us, but we need to show them that we were thoughtful in our planning. This doesn’t mean accomodating every whim, but it does mean making sure that basic needs are met and that we are hospitable.
Post # 10
- Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall
The sh*t of it is, if a bride or groom does put their foot down and say "NO, we want THIS and not THAT"… people whisper and gossip about how demanding and uncool they are. 🙁
Post # 11
Yeahhh….sometimes I really feel like guests at weddings can be extremely selfish…."I don’t like the dinner", "There wasn’t enough alcohol", "I don’t like their decorations", "This is taking too long"……I’m sorry but…seriously?
Post # 12
I think this is once again a personal preference.
For us yes it’s OUR day and all those things you are mentioning are decisions WE will be making. We are choosing that it is important for us for our guests to have good food, to have good booze, to have fun. These family and friends are taking time out of their day and lives (they do NOT have to) to celebrate with us. We want them to enjoy and have fun just as we will. Don’t get me wrong if I hate something I’m not going to do it just because I think our guests will like it. But for us it’s just the type of people we are. We are the host & hostess that always have a lot of food & booze leftover at the end of the night. We hate going to parties when people do not buy enough food/booze so that you’re afraid to go for seconds. That’s just not us. But whatever floats your boat.
Post # 13
I don’t think it’s a matter of how good or bad of a hostess/host you are….We’re spending over $17,000 on this of our own money (including honeymoon, which we downsized to host a nicer wedding) and while we aren’t going all out crazy with the food and booze and all that, we’re providing plenty.
I think it’s more a matter of – accomodating the wants of guests to a point where it’s not even your wedding anymore…it’s like the commercialization of holidays….what is Easter or Valentine’s Day or so many other holidays about? The core of why the holiday exists or the wasteful fluff?
Post # 14
The WEDDING is about you and your FH. The RECEPTION is a party hosted by you in your guests’ honor. Or, more traditionally, a party hosted by the bride’s parents as part of the dowry and marriage contract to the groom. So the wedding should reflect a focus on you and your FH, but your reception should focus on your guests.
How do I feel about that? HA! It’s my party and I’ll have shrimp if I want to! If I’m hosting a party, I’m still going to make it something I’ll like. That being said, I’ve made my reception as accomodating as possible for my guests.
Post # 15
I completely agree with you!!!
When we started planning our wedding, we both decided that this day was supposed to be about us being together and starting a new life together. We decided that if people were going to come to our wedding then it should be an expression of how we are and what we like. That’s why we went with the different colors (plum and lime green), and decided to do certain foods that we liked more. We love pasta, so we’re doing a pasta dish instead of a seafood (it also helps that I’m deathly allergic to seafood). I want to look back at my wedding pictures and remember why we did what we did, not because it was what everyone else wanted.
Post # 16
Me & my FI have reminded ourselves of one thing throughout this entire process: IT IS ABOUT THE MARRIAGE, NOT ABOUT THE WEDDING. If we get really caught up in the party planning aspect, we switch that up a bit to "THIS IS A MARRIAGE, NOT A PARTY."
It really helps us focus on the true meaning behind our day. It has helped us decide who to keep n the guest list, what to include in our reception, what to leave out, etc etc.
We absolutely want our guests to have a good time. We want them to feel the love on the day of the wedding– the love between my FI and I, as well as our love for them. Our wedding is a weekend event, so we are giving them large out of town bags, and setting up all sorts of events. But my FI and I still really try to keep our focus on the marriage… not the party, not the wedding, not the weekend… the marriage and what that really means!