(Closed) Who Makes the Guestlist?

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

While the bride is supposed to keep out of the bridal shower planning, formation of the guest list is the one exception.  You decide who gets invited.  The reason for that is that you don’t want to invite someone to the shower that is not invited to the wedding.  Not to mention, if a person that you don’t like shows up, it will put you in a bad mood.  Now, why would anyone risk making you unhappy, you-the one they are throwing the party for?

Post # 4
Member
1061 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

If your MOH/bridal party is throwing it, do you really think that they would know everyone to invite? Maybe they didn’t know that you can have some say in the guest list but not the rest of the planning. I would just chalk it up to them trying to help you out. Why don’t you talk to your MOH and ask to see the final guest list before it goes out?

Post # 5
Member
1061 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

If your MOH/bridal party is throwing it, do you really think that they would know everyone to invite? Maybe they didn’t know that you can have some say in the guest list but not the rest of the planning. I would just chalk it up to them trying to help you out. Why don’t you talk to your MOH and ask to see the final guest list before it goes out?

Post # 6
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

This happens often…FI’s family doesn’t want to be left out and wants to include everyone they think should be showering you!  The tricky part is since your bridal party is hosting (and I’m assuming paying), they get stuck paying for a bunch of extras.

As the honoree at the party, you absolutely have a say in creating the invite list.  With this new info, I would talk directly to FI’s family member and tell them you heard they had their own list going and you’d like to discuss it, since your MOH is hosting and want to be considerate to costs.

If the list is short, and you’re OK with adding these people, then great.  If ti’s ridiculous, maybe you can suggest to FI’s fam to host a separate shower for their folks. 

It’s hard to be the guest of honor at a large party, where you have to spend time talking to people you don’t know instead of hanging with your close friends. 

Maybe you can politely remind FI’s fam that’s what the wedding is for, and you’ll be perfectly happy if these other guests just attend the wedding and not your shower!

Post # 8
Member
20 posts
Newbee

Hi there…  I’d like some advice…  So my fiance and I have been engaged since 2005…  Long time ago we’d already asked his brother to be the Best Man…  Now long ago my fiance and I planned for the Bridal Party to meet up so the gals can go look at dresses and the guys can be fitted for tuxedos for the wedding…  So I consulted with my future sister in-law who lives on the other side of the US and who is in the Bridal Party so that I could plan this gathering when she is in town…  We sent out our invitations last week which plainly state only the Bridal Party will be attending…  These are the people in the wedding who are seating the guests, walking down the aisle in the ceremony, doing a reading at the church, staying behind for pictures of the bridal party, getting announced at the reception, sitting at the bridal party table special than the rest of the guests, making toasts, etc.  So for this thing we already planned out that we would have everybody meet up at my future mother in-law’s home, where we will share this informal "brunch" before the gals go one way for the dresses, and the guys would take off to the tuxedos…  So my future mother in-law asks me just this weekend when I happened to be at another wedding thing that I invited her to, who all is coming even though she already knew since I already planned it with her, sent out the invitations, and already stated it was only the bridal party…  In the middle of me telling her the list she cuts me off and says "oh and so and so", and I said "no so and so wouldn’t be coming because it’s only for the bridal party", and then I asked her why she asked and she went on to tell me "oh we couldn’t not have her"…  The person she is talking about is a new girlfriend of 4 months dating my fiance’s brother and our Best Man who we have only met 4 times total…  I told her NO because it is only for the bridal party…  That we have already thought it out and sent out the invitations…  My fiance cut in and told her "NO that we just want an intimate gathering with only the bridal party" and she wouldn’t take no for an answer even though she kept telling me not to cry which I thought was very weird since I wasn’t and she kept telling me yes I was and she could see me starting to cry and I said no really what are you talking about I’m not crying??? and she was telling me "it’s whatever I want for the wedding things" etc. but at the same time it was a huge contridiction because she wouldn’t take no for an answer telling us "oh well they’re very serious and they’ll probably even be married before then"…  Ok this is 1 month away this gathering and I guess there’s a chance they might be married before this gathering even though they only would have been dating 5 months at that point?  So we were confused…  My fiance told his mom "NO that’s great for them if they are that serious and we’re not saying anything about that, and that is their business, and that it is nothing personal, but we are only expecting the bridal party…  She just kept going on an on and on saying "oh well they’re very very serious", and I was like well my fiance and I were very very serious too when we were first dating and I wasn’t included when he was Best Man for his other brother because the plans had already been made well in advance and I didn’t know them well enough…  Anyway it was horrible…  Is horrible…  AFTER both of us telling her NO she still kept going and said "oh well whether you invite her or not he’s going to bring her because he brings her to everything whether she’s included or not", and my fiance said well I’ll talk to him then, and she said "oh no don’t do that"…  I just remembered my fiance also told his mom "look I don’t think it’s a big deal and said that if he had just started dating me and if my brother were getting married and all the plans were made long before, that he wouldn’t expect my brother to have him to events where it was only for the bridal party and he said he wouldn’t feel slighted at all if that were the case, and told her that it is their business if they feel that way” … Please let me know your thoughts! 

Post # 9
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Okay Melody – that was a little hard to follow.  First, on the main board page, at the upper right hand corner, see that button that says "Write a Post"?  That would be how you make a new post.

Anyway, I can’t tell what kind of event you’re talking about.  You’re getting together for brunch before formalwear shopping?  I can’t quite figure out why you sent invitations for that.  At any rate, I would step out of the loop and let your FI handle it.  It’s his mother and his brother, and therefore his responsbility.  Sounds like FMIL is being more than a little weird about the whole thing, but FI should just call his brother and tell him it’s a tux shopping party guy thing, and probably his girlfriend will feel weird being the only SO, and he can detach himself from her for the few hours this function will entail.

Post # 10
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

NorCalBride I’m going through the same thing… in fact I posted about it a while back.  My FMIL & FSIL-also a BM, made the assumption that the bridal shower my mom & sister were planning along with the rest of my bridal party was to include their entire side of the family as well.  And I’m sure we’ve all heard the old saying about "assuming"…  Regardless my shower has now more than doubled and my FMIL has never once offered to chip in on the cost, leaving my mom to cover the majority of it.  Without going into detail I can honestly say that this whole situation has left a very bitter taste in my mouth with my future in-laws.  My advice to you would be very careful what you say to FI’s family regarding the shower list….  people get so over sensitive about this stuff, but definitely have your FI bring the subject up to his family again, just for your MOH’s wallets sake!  As for inviting guests to the shower & not the wedding, your right- major faux pas ( I had to school my FMIL on that one too!)

Post # 11
Member
20 posts
Newbee

Yes Suzanno that’s right…  We are getting together mainly to get the wedding clothes with the Bridal Party…  Before we hit the road to the shops I planned for us to share an informal brunch at my FMIL house…  Only because she has nice big house, and we have small condo, and because everybody in the bridal party knows her house so it’s just an easy place for us to meet…  I thought of the idea, I planned the menu and got her thoughts, I went to the store with my fiance to price it out, I did the guest list and the invitations, and the only reason I did invitations (not really they were very informal flyers that said save the date) was so my bridal party can plan to take off work if they have to or don’t plan something else for that day because it’s the only day we can do it when my FSIL is in town.  Anyway my fiance and I were going to do all the cooking and decorations but she my FMIL didn’t tell me and I guess took over and will be doing all the preparations which is fine and nice…  Though the way she didn’t tell me was kind of rude and it probably won’t come out how I want it now but oh well…  It’s only a meeting point to get the bridal party together and to make it a little nicer before we leave the house by having an informal brunch…  Champagne, crossaints, and fresh fruit sort of thing…  The only person my fiance and I didn’t include is my fiance’s other brother (our Best Man’s) g-friend of 4 months since it’s ONLY for the bridal party, and regardless we’ve only met her 4 times…   

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