Post # 1
To all those who have closed the distance, who had to move and how did you deal with it?
This issue is the main reason I’m playing dodge the proposal right now.
I have a job I love. It also happens to be in a very competitive field – it took me a few years to break into the industry, and now that I’m in, I want to stay there. My American SO works in a kind of law that apparently varies greatly from how it is in the UK, so he can’t just up sticks and move here and get a job in the same field as easily as I could. Plus, he earns more, and can prove that he can support me while I’m unable to work in the US (which is another thing I take umbrage with – I’ve never had anyone ever ‘support’ me before).
So, I’ll probably have to move. But of course – especially at the moment – no job is guaranteed, so I’m desperately trying to stay in this job as long as I can so I have as much experience as possible on my CV/resume. It still feels like I’ll be starting from scratch with my career again, though.
Plus, I haven’t yet even considered how difficult it will be leaving my family and friends behind, either.
My SO is very supportive, and I know that with this sort of relationship, sacrifices have to be made. I want to be with him, so I’m prepared for it. It stills sucks monkey balls.
So I guess more than anything, this is just me griping and wanting some moral support.
How did closing the distance go down for you?
Post # 3
You have to look at the overall package. I telecommute and have done so for years, so theoretically I could have moved to where DH lived, before we were married and while we were LDR, but the quality of life here where I live (DC) is so much higher than in Central Florida where he lived, that it was better for us to wait till he found work up here and have him relocate than have me uproot. Here, we can walk or take cheap taxis when we want to go out, we have a ton of choices in terms of entertainment, dining, and shopping, and we have better weather; even though we have rough winters and hot summers, we don’t have the oppressive heat and humidity that we’d deal with in Florida.
So while it is more expensive to live here, and it took longer to be able to make it happen, having him move was the far better choice. FWIW he is a British citizen and had already gotten his US resident alien status when we met, but if he’d still been in Britain, he says without a doubt he’d have left, because the work situation in his feild (IT) is not good, and he makes no bones about never wanting to live in the UK again. He of course misses his friends and family, but does not think Britain has much to offer him that he can’t get in the US for twice the salary.
Currently an American friend is engaged to a Scottish fella and she will be relocating over there; that’s not what I had expected, given that it’s easier for him to find work in his feild (computer security) over here in the US than for her to find work in her feild (graphics design) over there, but they made the decision based on their wishes for her to become a dual citizen, which would give her the right to work in most Commonwealth countries, or at least make it easier than if she were non-citizen; this gives them a lot more options in terms of long-term relocation, as the UK citizenship and EU membership open a lot more doors all over the world than American citizenship does.
You and your SO should lay out your long-term plan and look at all the pro’s and con’s. There’s no “right” answer, and there’s a ton of things that will factor in, even without considering the emotional aspect of having to be separated from your friends and family.
Post # 4
I’m going to be moving to be with him. But, then, I’m a Military Brat. Pulling up roots at a moment’s notice is something I was raised dealing with.
That said, take advantage of the time you have, make plans, look into prospects, and heck, maybe consider going in to have a chat with the HR at any of them during a visit.
Post # 5
It depends on circumstances for who moves. My FI is working on his phd, and will be for a few years yet, and I’m in a town that I hate with a so-so job. So for us it makes sense for me to move.
Post # 6
@fishbone: Thanks for the advice! I think whatever way we look at it, it makes more sense for me to move there – especially as I live in a little village and commute for work, whereas he lives in a big city. How long did it take your husband to acclimate to living in the US?
@Chaoslight: I’ve never actually thought about that. If it’s not breaking any visa conditions, doing work experience/an internship would really help my prospects for when I finally can work. That makes me feel much cheerier, thanks!
Post # 7
@Newt: Would also like to suggest that you find a job with a company that has US offices, if you can. That would make a transfer a possibility.
With me and my SO, I will only move if/when we get married, to the city where he lives. Moving there would require major job sacrifices for me if we weren’t married, and if I am on my own I can get a much, much better job elsewhere. There are good opportunities for me where he is, just that as a non-citizen, I wouldn’t be able to get them for visa reasons. I would never make him move because he loves his job, and I will just begin looking for one shortly.
Post # 8
It was a hard decision, but we decided that wiht my field (teachig) there is more room to relocate than his chosen field (he is applying for Grad School in Planetary Science, which literally doesn’t exist in my country).
It is hard though. There are things I love about moving the US (e.g. diversity and cost of living (with a few big city exceptions, housing prices in the midwest, higher education structure and opportunities), and things that are really hard to give up (universal healthcare, guarentee of one year maternity leave time, and a legal minimum of 4 weeks vacation, cheaper higher education cost). It’s also hard for me because the teacher job market in the US is far worse than New Zealand at the moment, but these thigns tend to go in cycles.
Post # 9
My SO moved to my country a bit over a year ago and stayed for a year – he has gone back now and I will be moving to his country in three weeks (just got my permanent Australian visa e-mailed to me!).
For him it was a little bit hard to live in my country because he doesn’t speak the language. He has learnt a lot but I think all in all living in a Scandinavian country is pretty hard for a foreigner because our culture isn’t very social.
For me it is hard to move because as the OP, I will be starting out all over again; I need to get a whole new degree to be able to work in Australia – I am a lawyer and, naturally, need an Australian qualification which means about two years of studying. However, in Australia my SO makes four times more money in his field than in Europe and therefore our lifestyle there is a lot better and me going to uni and not working much during those two years doesn’t matter at all.
It isn’t always easy to move for another person. For me the hardest part is that I know we will be going to his parents’ house for dinner every Sunday, just like his sister’s family does. I feel like I might first get a bit resentful because we’ll be close to his family but not to mine – Skype etc just isn’t the same. Luckily I will be able to visit my family and friends at least twice a year so it should be all good!
Post # 10
My FI and I are from different countries and we met while studying in a third country. We decided that since we were going to get married he would come to my country to finish school with me and then I would move to his country because he is on bond and has to go back and work for at least 5 years. I’m nervous about moving because I dont know what my job prospects would be while I know that if I stayed in my country I would definately get a great job. But I have no choice in the matter… he cant break his bond sooooooo… I’ll be moving.