Post # 1
Just curious, when FI’s parents disagree with big decisions you and FI have made jointly, do you all resolve the issue together, or just have FI talk to them on his own?And if the latter, how do you stop the arguments from dragging out for weeks?
My FMIL will only talk to FI on his own, and in theory, I don’t mind – less arguing for me. But what often happens is that FI and I spend a lot of time and effort coming to compromises on touchy issues, and then he argues with FMIL for hours and comes back with a whole different opinion based on her thoughts. Then we have to argue again to come to another solution, then he takes it back to her and they argue again about it, then he comes back to me and we argue about it again…well, you get the picture. So issues that are already hard to deal with get dragged out for days/weeks and become ridiculously stressful and painful.
Recently this has been happening a lot with decisions like where to spend holidays, some wedding etiquette issues, and others. I’m sure we’re not the only ones that go through this, so I wanted to see how you guys deal would deal with this.
Post # 3
Yeah, well my DH has some mommy issues that we need to deal with and she doesn’t exactly like me anymore. So you can probably guess the DH talks to her. It does make me mad when we make a decision as a couple and then he talks to his mom and all of a sudden it’s him and her versus me. Well, we are working on it.
Well I hope your FI doesn’t have mommy issues like me. Other wise he should be able to tell his mom what you guys both think and want. She should respect that.
Post # 4
ME! He refuses to speak to them when they behave ridiculously, and then they come after me!
Post # 5
Luckily, we all get along great! They will give us there opinion but there are never any hard feelings if we don’t agree.
Post # 6
Both of us, with him usually doing most of the talking, since it’s his family.
Post # 7
he does, but usually it’s over the phone or email and i’m right there hearing what he’s saying or composing the email with him, so we usually present a united front. there haven’t been any arguments that have dragged on, though–just minor miscommunications that are intense for an hour or so then chill out.
Post # 8
So far, we’ve each dealt with respective family issues. My Korean language skills aren’t developed enough yet to fight my own fights, and my mum lives too far away for him to directly deal with her. Thus far it’s worked out well because we each know how to resolve conflicts with our own families.
Post # 9
We haven’t had this issue come up so far – but I think each of us would likely deal with the issue with our parents individually. I know how best to deal with my parents, and he knows best for his.
Post # 10
we haven’t really had any disagreements with his parents because they are pretty easy going, but they did have concerns over our wedding budget since they will be paying half of it and they are very frugal.
this is what i told my fiancee (actually, i have been brainwashing him with this): “no matter what you say to your parents, even if it’s something they would be pissed upon hearing it, you are still their son, they will soon forget about it and won’t remember it forever. but i’m not their daughter, so even the slighest things might trigger tension, and they’ll forever remember anything i said that displeased them. SO, YOU should be our bridge and convey OUR opinions to your parents in a way that they think the opinion was solely from YOU.”
he understands and even though he’s still not that good at it, but i know he will be 🙂
Post # 11
TingTing — That is a great way of putting it! The next time my FH parentals start picking that is the motto I will be going with!
Post # 12
Well, honestly, my MIL doesn’t argue with EITHER of us. She stays out of our business because it’s not her place. We don’t make big decisions and include her. But for things like holidays, she is incredibly respectful of the fact that we have MY Parents to include in things. It’s not just HER family and HIS side, she’s very good about this.
But no, I wouldn’t participate in an argument with her. It isn’t my place I feel.
And, it helps that both of us feel like our spouse is more important than our parents, so how I feel trumps how she feels about stuff, and vice versa. Even if my parents disagree with what we’re doing, I gently remind them it is OUR decision. And then I sotp telling them stuff =]
He needs to stop telling his mom EVERYTHING you guys talk about or rather, just inform her what’s going on and when she complains, say, “my FI and I came to this decision, i’m just letting ya know”. She’s too influential and things are YOUR decisions, not hers.
Post # 13
I wouldn’t feel comfortable at this point in our relationship to discuss touchy issues with his parents. FI does the dirty work on that! Recently, we had some disagreement about a wedding issue and its been a little awkward because its been, FI and I talk, and then we talk with our respective moms, and then we talk again because our parents changed our minds, and then we go back to them… so I know how it is!
Post # 14
We haven’t really argued with them but he usually relays any decisions/info. If it’s something he doesn’t know as much about he’ll ask me or put me on the phone to help sort it out.
Post # 15
It depends on the situation, mostly the husband handles any issues one on one with them. He just doesn’t want to drag me into it.
Unless its something that really affects me directly (like when FIL called my parents to blatantly ask them why they weren’t paying for the wedding & inform them that paying for the wedding is the bride’s parents reponsibility!) I then joined my husband to have a conversation about that with his parents….
Post # 16
They’ve never disagreed with us (or at least didn’t tell us!).