Post # 1
So I am in kind of a pickle. I looked through other boards but it seems my situation is different.
I am a Maid/Matron of Honor and the only girl in the wedding- no bridesmaids. The brides parents are disceased. She recently asked me about the shower if I had any ideas and I said no, I did not realize that I am the one that plans it?
She said she has a gueslist of 40 and it should be open bar. I changed the subject quickly because I didnt know how to respond.
I didnt react at all because the wedding is kind of far away but… How do I tell her that I will not shell out potentially over $1,000 for a shower? Wether I have the money or not.
Am I wrong in this? I did mention quickly we could have it at my house but she said 40 people and that wont be possible…
Without her having parents or other bridesmaids Im stuck.
Some bees say Maid/Matron of Honor need to just buy the dress and show up, others seem to think we throw the shower, bachelorette, plus the hair, makeup and dress.
Post # 3
I’d have a hear to heart with her and maybe give her what your budget is? She’s right, you are the Maid/Matron of Honor and should host her shower, HOWEVER- she shouldn’t demand one of you, it’s a gift that you could offer her if you so choose.
Maybe chat with her a little bit and see if there’s a compromise, or if there is another family member who wouldn’t mind co-hosting with you?
Post # 4
Typically, the Maid/Matron of Honor does throw the shower, but it needs to be a shower she can afford. If you can’t afford to have 40 people in a restaurant with an open bar, tell her you can’t do that.
Post # 5
You are under no obligation to host a shower that you cannot afford. It was borderline rude of her to even raise the subject of a shower.
I would tell her that what I can aford is a shower for __ people held in my home, and if she wants anything above and beyond that she will have to cover the difference in the cost.
Post # 6
@Choosgirl: Traditionally, it’s supposed to be the brides Aunt(s). If she wants you to do it and you feel comfortable, go ahead and plan it, but be upfront about you not willing to shell out that kind of money (open bar for a shower is kind of ridiculous and for her to expect it…..eeesh). I personally would’ve left right then and there. A shower is a GIFT, not a right.
Post # 7
I just feel weird because she knows I can afford it, but I dont want to have to pay for an expensive party with alcohol. When I can do something nice at my house.
Im going to cool off a bit before talking to her because I was/am a little annoyed.
Post # 8
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
You need to have an honest conversation with her. It’s also perfectly acceptable for another female relative (aunts, grandma, or even her FI’s family) to help with the shower– also any other close friends can be part of the process too. A guest list of 40 is too big in my opinion, but this is also very dependant on the individual. The key is to communicate– she’s your friend, she doesn’t want to put you in an awkward situation, but she may not realize that she is.
By comparison, my shower was at my FFIL’s house, there were a grand total of 15 people. I bought all the food and my mom & best friend (not in the wedding party) did most of the prep. My BMs did the decorations, games, prizes, and what-not.
ETA: Also, just a note– this is a party that (should you choose) YOU are throwing for her. She can aid in the guest list, but after that all the decisions are up to you. She gets to dictate the terms ofher wedding, not the shower you are choosing to throw for her. If you want to do something small and simple at your house, she should be gracious and thank you profusely for taking the time to throw a shower at all– while it may be “traditional” it is by no means “manditory”.
Post # 9
I’ve always believed that the Maid/Matron of Honor is supposed to throw the bridal shower. Now, tradition has changed and I’ve noticed that some other people tend to throw the shower instead. However, in your case, it doesn’t seem that anyone else will be throwing the shower.
I’m a Maid/Matron of Honor and I am helping my friend with her shower. She is going to pay for it with some help from her mom, but I am helping her with all the planning, decorating, etc.
Now, if you have to pay for the shower, then YOU get to decide what kind of shower that is. That is to say, you get to pick where it is and whether or not there are things like open bar. Because, it is your gift to her and she cannot dictate how much money you spend or how you spend your money.
Maybe she’s talking to you about it not because she assumes you’re throwing it for her but because you’re the only one she is talking wedding-related plans to? Or maybe because she assumes you’re going to be there to help her out with it and plan it, but not necessarily that you will be the one paying for it?
You are her Maid/Matron of Honor, so you two are close, obviously, right? I would suggest that you talk to her about it and if it becomes clear that you are paying for the shower, don’t be afraid to just tell her that while you really wish you could pay for whatever shower it is that she wants, you just can’t and that if you’re going to pay for it, you’re going to plan it yourself as your gift to her.
ETA: I’ve also NEVER been to a shower that was an open bar. Maybe some mimosas or something to start with – usually like 2 per person. And the one I’m helping plan won’t be open bar either. That’s kind of absurd.
Post # 10
In my experience usually the bridesmaids and some of the bride’s family plan it and pay for it. It’s totally ridiculous for her to expect you to do everything. I would tell her what you can accommodate and if she wants to try and expand on that it’s on her.
Post # 11
My mom threw my shower because my 2 MOHs wouldn’t. I was hurt that they wouldn’t even help plan it. My mom paid for it all and just asked for them to help get things together. I never said anything to them though…because like others have said, a shower is a gift, not a necessity.
Your friend is out of line. She shouldn’t be able to demand what type of shower it is. Seriously, an open bar?? That’s insane. If you threw a shower that consisted of a handful of girls coming to your place for some finger foods and a movie night, she should be happy that you were thoughtful and kind enough to give her a shower at all….
Post # 12
Typically bridesmaids or Maid/Matron of Honor would host a shower. Sometimes a female relative or family friend. It really depends I think. But if no one has offered it would be nice if you were able to host a casual shower. It doesn’t HAVE to be all fancy and open bar, etc (Uhmmm…hello what the heck does she think you are?!)
You need to talk to her about it again. Just point blank say I was hoping to host a shower at my house but I will be able to host up to ___ people. Unfortunately the type of shower you want is not in my budget but I’d be happy to do this for you. If she says no to this, then you can just offer to show up if someone else throws her a shower. Don’t go out of your price range/budget because she expects something that looks like a mini wedding with an open bar.
I have been to a couple of showers where they had a few bottle of wine or possible a bottle of champagne, but it was usually punch and coffee or tea that was served.
Post # 13
I don’t think that just because you can afford an extravagant bridal shower that you should have to. It is your hard-earned money and it should be up to you what you host. I think expecting someone to throw a party for 40 with an open bar is ridiculous; that’s more extravagant than some of the weddings here on the Bee!
I think you should just meet her halfway and hopefully she is reasonable enough to understand. I don’t think brides should make demands for their bridal showers. It’s one thing to expect something more “special” than cheese pizzas and ice cream, but it’s totally another thing to expect a pricey soiree in her honor, especially if no one is offering to co-host with you.
Post # 14
The bride is out of line. Showers are optional; nobody is obligated to host one (including a MOH), so she should be waiting for somebody to offer, not pressuring you to throw a party for her (and an extravagant one at that). The host of a party dictates the terms, so if you want to host a shower, you get to decide how many guests you can accommodate, where it will take place, and what food/drink you’ll be serving.
I have never, ever been to a bridal shower with an open bar. How ridiculous. In my experience, bridal showers are pretty much always inexpensive, simple affairs with finger foods and games at somebody’s house.
If you’re cool with having a small get together at your house, tell her that’s what you can do, and she can invite X number of people. If that’s not good enough for her, she can go without a shower.
Just because you might be able to afford a $1000 party doesn’t make you a bad friend if you have other financial priorities and choose not to spend that much. Nobody is obligated to allocate every dollar of disposable income to somebody else’s wedding.
Post # 15
Typically the BMs, mother, or female relative host the shower. I think it’s a bit presumptuous for her to tell you to fork over the cash for 40 people’s food and drinks. You should talk to her and tell her what you can afford. Does she have any aunts or cousins that she’s close to that may want to help host the shower with you?
Post # 16
Your bride is WAY off course here….a bridal shower is a gift, not a requirement, and the Maid/Matron of Honor has the honor of hosting, unless she declines. The nearest and dearest of the bride are invited, only if they are also invited to the wedding and anything over 20 guests is seen as goshe and greedy. Since her mother is no longer among us to correct this mistake, I would just let her know that if she’s going to continue to place demands on this shower, which should be a gift designed by you and her friends, and insist on it being thrown in the poorest of taste, that you’ll have nothing to do with it. And open bar? Uh-uh! Champagne punch and mimosas are more than adequate.