Post # 1
Hi all! Haven’t posted in awhile. I graduated law school and moved back to my hometown for a job. My boyfriend has a job and lives in the city where I attended school. We are long distance by about 4 hours, so nothing crazy but not ideal either. We don’t see eachother every weekend because we are both busy, but try to visit eachother every 2-3 weeks. We are both getting down about the fact that we have no end in sight to this long distance. I have the more prestigious/high earning job in a field where it is hard to find a job–however, I am not opposed to eventually moving back to the city where I attended school or another city eventually. He doesn’t really want to leave his city but has agreed that he would move if thats what it took. I dont see myself in my hometown long term so I don’t want him to move up here just for us to move somewhere a year later. At this point, we talk about ME moving back eventually to his city.
Anyway, theres no resolution yet, but I struggle with the thought of quitting my job and moving for a guy. He’s a good guy and I love him. This is just a hard situation! Who has done so? What did you give up? Was it worth it?
Post # 3
@misspj3: I moved for one SO, someone to whom I was not yet engaged (because I wasn’t ready- he made it clear that he wanted to be), although I had a job already lined up in the new place before I moved, and it wasn’t a bad career move.
He turned out to have a secret second life that involved a staggering amount of infidelity, among other things I was not okay with, and so, after about six months living in the new place, I left him. That part blew. On the upside, I LOVED my new job and where I lived, and it’s where I met my now-fiance.
When now-fiance had to move for the military, I stayed in the place where we had met, and we were long distance for almost two years, and then I moved again to be with him (meeting him in the next location he was stationed, where we now live).
Part of why I agreed to move the second time was for the reason you described- we actually broke up briefly because the long distance had gotten unbearably hard. We realized we were miserable without each other, but long distance was unsustainable after so long without an end in sight, so a condition of our getting back together was that we have a plan in place for when we would be in the same place. It was immediately MUCH easier, not having it be open-ended. Moving in together went more smoothly than I could have hoped, and a little over a year after we moved in together, we got engaged.
This was all made easier by the fact that my job is highly portable and in demand everywhere- I actually increased my pay a little with each move, and didn’t lose much by losing seniority. Both times I had a job I was happy about lined up before the move. I regret nothing about either move, in the first case because I loved the place I moved so much that the relationship not working out didn’t matter, and in the second case because although I’m meh on this place, the relationship has basically been a dream since we moved in together.
Post # 4
I haven’t done this yet, but I’ll be moving to be with my SO this summer after being long distance for 2+ years (2 hours apart the first year and half and 5 hours apart since June); we’ve been together for nearly 3 years now. Even if I don’t have to quit my job (I have the potential to work from home full time), packing up your life is going to be hard regardless. However, I definitely think it will be worth it! I’d much rather live with him than continue to be long distance.
Post # 5
@misspj3: My friend is about to do this. She’s quitting her job with nothing lined up in the new state. They aren’t even close to getting engaged either; just friends. I hope it’s worth it, but we’re all worried about her!
Post # 6
Thanks everyone for the responses! by the time I’d move there (next year) we would be dating for over three years. for some reason, some part of me thinks it’s only fair if we both have to move for each other . So, to a new city.. But that doesn’t really make sense either! Luckily I have some time to get my feelings straight. hoping to put in a full 1-2 years at this current job to get some experience.
Keep the stories coming 🙂
Post # 7
when we got together, I was supply teaching and he was just starting a new job working for an airborne land surveying company. As we got more serious, he knew that wasn’t the kind of job he wanted for when we settled down (it involved him being gone several weeks at a time).
So he went back to school for 3 years. When he was done, he found a job about 1.5 hours away. I hated teaching anyways, but even if I loved it, I would NEVER get hired on in another school board now. It’s way too competitive and they added qualifications you need to get on the supply list and I no longer qualify (i’m grandfathered in where I live). So, back to school I went this year, and in April when I finish, I will hopefully find work down in the area where he is, and we’ll get an apartment. Well, I mean we’ll get an apartment regardless. If I have to be 30 years old and working retail for a while til I find something in HR as I am hoping, then so be it. But hoping to find an industry placement (required for graduation) shortly, and that can just turn into a job!
Of course I’d move for my SO – especially if it’s for the greater good!
Post # 8
I moved to a new city for law school so I would be in the same city as my husband (fiance at the time) who had a job here that he loved. I turned down admission to a lot of great law schools to go to a lower-ranked/less prestigious one so we could be together, but I ended up graduating at the top of my class and getting a great job here, and we’re closer to family now, so it all worked out really well in the end. At the time though, I really felt like I was sacrificing a lot so we could be together!
Post # 9
@misspj3: We were engaged but I left my silly job and my giant family to be with my fiance. It was hard but I don’t regret it! He is in the military though so I understood that I would move to him.
Post # 10
I know people who have moved for their SO and another who did and regretted it. I think you and your bf need to sit down and have a heart to heart regarding your future as a couple. If you truly plan to be together and get married, then honestly, it makes more sense for him to follow you if you have the “breadwinner’s job”. If he’s unsure about the future, then I think you should do what you want to do with your life. If you are meant to be then it will work itself out. If you follow him then you might always feel like you compromised your future.
One of the people I know who stayed behind for their SO ended up getting divorced because one felt they were held back by the other. I would hate to see that happen to anyone.
Post # 11
My FI & I were together 10 months when she moved 2 1/2 hours from her hometown to my city and we moved in together. We’ve lived together now for almost exactly 2 years. I’m pretty sure she would tell you it was worth it =)
She quit her job as a nurse & got one up here after about 2 weeks. That’s the thing about nursing though, they can do that. If it were me, I’d be more hesistant. I’d def try to line the job up first then move.
If I was in your situation, I’d rather try to move and see if things progressed with your SO then not move, stay long distance & keep things at a stalemate. It seems like you’re much more willing to move than he is, which probably means more relationship problems would be caused if he was forced to move. (I’d say this regardless of genders. If someone if somewhat forced to do something they don’t want to do, emotions will likely run high) If things aren’t working well now, something has to change.
By “working well” I mean progressing. Or things are seeming pretty hard and not getting any easier.
Post # 12
I moved after my FI proposed, we were long distance. It was difficult getting used to a new area since I never moved out of the town I was from, besides adjusting to the newness of the experience I don’t regret it.
Post # 13
I moved coasts for my man. While I still love California more then the east coast it was all worth it to be with him. I left a good job for him but I am lucky he has a job that can support us if need be. I couldn’t see not working at all but it was nice to move with that comfort. also he has been at his job for 20 years so I felt it was right for me to loose my job over this long term job.
Post # 14
@misspj3: For a slightly different perspective, DH moved to NYC to be with me. He knew it had always been my dream to live here and when I finally got my dream job he was totally supportive of me leaving.
We were long-distance for 2 years and he came to visit. He really got a chance to see what life was like here and I told him many many times to only come here if he would be ok living here without me. NYC is a hard city to live in, and I needed to know he loved (or at least liked it) too.
Post # 15
I moved to be with my DH. We were LDR most of our dating relationship since we met where i lived, then he moved away to get his phd. I’m a bit more traditional, and I wouldn’t move that far without being engaged, and DH felt the same way. I ended up quiting my job and moving out of state just a few weeks before our wedding (I had to stay due to graduate school).
I have changed careers (the move actually gave me the courage to apply for a job that I never thought I could have had), and I only get to see my family 3-4 times a year, and my friends 1-2 times a year. Where we live I knew nobody, except DH’s friends. With all of that, I wouldn’t change it for anything. Being with DH has been amazing, being in a new city is a wonderful adventure. We do talk of moving back “home” someday (our homestate, but we would live in the larger city, but still much closer to friends & family)
Post # 16
Okay, at the risk of showing off my really slow learning, I will tell you I moved three times for a man (well, two different ones). Not one of those moves worked out for me. 🙁
My only word of advice is that you have to do it because YOU want to. Especially if you are giving up a lot, you will resent the SO if things start to get hard. I know that everyone is different, and each relationship has its own dynamics. In every instance, I gave up a really good job to make the move and in every instance, I had to come back and rebuild. I did it, and I moved again trying to make things work, but there are really some difficult circumstances in almost any move where you feel you are having to *give up* something to be with someone.
I wish you the best! I know a lot of couples make the move and do great!